begging God for next right action

Dear God, here I am , are you there. Please god, I need help with abstinence and I’d like to take it meal by meal. With life in between. I feel so overwhelmed god, thank you for the condo and the mortgage and all the good things that have happened as a result, I’m truly grateful for the opportunity. I honestly can’t believe this went through. Dear God, I’m grateful for the sleep and getting up and staying with OA and program. I’m grateful for having my friend to share with how I felt so fukcing iolagted. Fuck you Bob, fuck you Joanna, for not wanting me fuck all of youz. Thank you god for Jonathan and sharing my heart out. I don’t know why everything is so fucking hard God. I’m willing to go against myself and put abstinence first. I’m willing god. I just don’t want to fucking die of diabetes and lose a limb or heart disease god. I just don’t know what the fuck you want from me god. it’s cruel to have so much hope and grandeur dreams and to fall on my ass wit this addiction what the fuck god. I don’t know I overfeel, I try to be the good guy to all and then I fucking get stomped on my heart. I just don’t know what the fuck you want from me for fucks sake. I just feel so alone and so much like a fucking loser. It sucks ass God, It really sucks ass.

2 way prayer

Dearest God, thank you for the strength and guidance to have a good food night. I was so ill after the last binge the night before. So very grateful to get back on track God. Thank you Thank you Thank yo. I’m so happy to have finally sent out the Christmas card to Reo. I’ll send more today. I am scared God about the finances and my debating. And my ability to earn and be stable. I want a productive life God. The world events are saddening me and make me apathetic. I don’t want to be apathetic god. I want to be stable and empowered to live a happy purposed filled life aligned with your will God. How do I make that happen. I am very tired of the binge cycle and the obsessive mind. Please God show me how to fill that God sized hole so I don’t go to compulsions/addictions.

Dearest Sweet boy of mine, love of my life. Breathe little one, it’s all going to be okay. I’m sorry for all the physical and emotional pain. It happens my boy, part of life and I will never abandon you my son. Breathe out fear, anxiety, depression, jealousy, hatred and breath in love, strength and bewilderment. You have the gift of life my boy, use it well. I’m so proud of you, we are so proud of you, paying your bills and taking the steps to live within your means. It will get better son. I promise you that it will. About your sister not messaging you, it’s okay my son. Send her love and light and move on. She will come around as they all have their own lives to manage with ups and downs. This too shall pass. I feel your hurt and I feel your pain. It’s okay to grieve the relationships that you lost or what you wanted and didn’t not get. It’s okay little one. It’s okay my love, your time is coming. Make that vision board and don’t be afraid to dream. You desires are being fulfilled, it’s all happening at the right time little one.

please help me god, i feel so sick and tired

Dearest God, thank you for helping me get through this difficult time. It’s been so very hard with the bronchitis and the food and the depression and the anger and the rage and the sadness that comes up with grief. I feel like an emotional mess all the fucking time. Will you please help me God. I’m tired of labels, so many years of I’m this and I’m that and I reject it all God for fuck’s sake, I’m not a robot.

My dearest sweet child. I feel your pain and I shed tears even when you can’t. I know what you have been through and I know how hard your try to be a loving responsible adult who struggles with being and acting in the world. Rest in my lap and bosom my little one. You are loved, cherished and adored. The answers are coming little one, they are coming. Please be patient. Keep dreaming, yes this is allowed and welcomed and urged. Keep laughing with little K and Knees, this is all happening wonderful and we are so thrilled.

Love God.

rantings with God

Dear God, I’m so tired of being sick, of being scared. Of feeling guilty and afraid all the fucking time, please help me get closer to you God. I don’t want to live another day of my life in fear. God, I’m upset at having to sell the stock, I don’t have a lot of energy dear god today, I still feel sick, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you know this, you are part of me. Thank you dear God for the resilience with food, it’s so fucking hard the cravings god. I feel so scared for Karla, please help her god, please have the right people show up for her. God, I just want to play out the next 33days the absolute best I can, I’m so very scared God. I need some help and I’m so bloody scared, will you please help me dear God. It’s all so overwhelming and I lost money and I’m so sad about that. Please dear God, I don’t want to fall flat on my arse, I’m trying my best but I need to turn this over to you God. I’m trying not to dip anymore into my line of credit, I know where this thinking leads me and I’m trying to live within my budget dear God. Thank you for the strength yesterday to respond to the email about work, God I feel so very sad for all in program who are in awful positions, me included God. I feel scared that the government is going to claw back the funding they gave to me and that’s okay God. I can’t live in fear, I’ve been running away too fucking much. I feel like the carpet is going to drop all the time, but I’m so grateful to have the support of sandy, and my sister who really lifts me up God. I hope that I can be okay God, I just want to live with peace today. Everything can be so hard at times. I only want to live in peace today God. Will you please help me just for this day God.

Dearest precious son, breathe, next right action, our debtors anonymous meeting, your al anon and mediations, I know it’s so hard son, you have limited energy today. You will recored your hours and you are going to pay your rent, just be at east my son, this will also pass. Just try to be at ease my son. Make an appointment with the mortgage specialist at CIBC and show him the plan. This will pass my son, this will pass.

Dear God, I feel so unvalidated in Al anon meeting today, I feel like I made a mistake sharing. I’m so tired god, I’m so tired, please help me with the next right action. I’m selling my stock to pay the rent and I feel like a fool. I have no more money coming in until I send this invoice today. Will you please guide me god please remove my pride, my laziness so that I can make money to live within my means. god. I’m so scared of getting sucked in. I’m so scared of being less than a man. I’m so scared god of everything. Prudent reserve and god will help me. Please remove the pride god, please help me with this.

2 way prayer after difficult night

Dearest precious God, dug out of my garbage last night and ate the remainder of the chips. It’s so normal behaviour now for me I don’t even put soap and water in the chip bag. Woke up this morning remorseful about my ghosting Alex. I’m so careless with relationships god. I can become spiteful and resentful when all I need is honest and loving communications. I get in trouble with assumptions and I would like to ask for clarifications. Its so hard God. I’m an addict with big book behaviour. I want to own up to that. I’m also recovering from trauma and doing CPTSD work, and it is loving and gentle and understanding of my condition. Where is the balance God, I feel the heavy critic and shame of the big book language and the compassion and nurturing of the ACA literature. How to find that balance dear God. I want to be kind and loving to others and most of all to myself. It’s not easy when I’m triggered and I have trauma responses like ghosting, we both end up losing. Sometimes I want to crawl under a rock.

Dearest sweet boy, so much of despair , it make us cry. Let us wrap you in a tender hug my love. There is too much neglect, abuse and hardness of yourself and others. I weep for this world. Give yourself a warm hug and breathe gently and wholly , we are here to help we are here to guide you, we will not abandon you little one. You are always in our care and protection. We know that life is so so hard as a human, but things are improving. Congrats on the sale of your condo, that is huuuuge and it’s okay to Celebrate the sale my love and let go of all the anxiety and fear and stress that was clouded up in your body. Let it go my boy. Continue to act out of love and trust yourself , me and others. Let go of fear and distrust my love it does not serve you today, give it to me, we can handle it :). You were hurt many times little one and it is okay to stop NOW! We are so proud you are giving voice to your little ones and inner family, keep asking for your needs and not self abandoning my love. Keep it up little one, you are doing great.

Love God

God, I'm struggling today and I've lost faith in selling the condo

 Dearest God, I've lost faith that the condo will sell and I guess it's just not the condo for me in Montreal. It's getting colder an ddarker and the best part of the place the view will be negated. Dear Sweet Jesus, it's okay i was an opportunist, i loved the place that I have but that's okay Maybe there's another place for me and I'll keep looking. The tenant is also losing patience i'm sure God. Father God, I don't want to have any more anger and resentment towards Sandy.. I'm done God with the Anger and the Rage. I purged that shitty feelings away. I chose her god even though I had doubts and I currently i really don't think she's doing enough to sell it and push it. What does she care god, she's got nothing to lose really, she's not really hungry . Please god guide me to my best self. I didn't realize that this was going to be so difficult when I jumped in with the idea of selling. What do i do next god. 

Dearest sweet and gently boy, we are so very sorry. We feel  you pian and fear and stress and frustration. Breathe it ouse my son, breathe it out. and breathe in patience, love, tolerance, kindenss, courage, strenght, willingness and peace my dear love. Expect a miracle son, it's around the corner, please keep praying for Sandy and Joah, pray for everything you want for yourself. Give them strenght in your prasyers and ask for wisdom, guidance and next steps. We HPs will do the rest. At the very end, you will feel at peace. knowing that you did everything possible to move the deal forward. We are so proud of you that you told the montreal agent what the problem was, and she went to bat for  you. we are so very proud of you. We are tickled pink about your fiestiness and how you are finally expressing your desires. it's okay my boy. let it go. you've done the absolute best you can, and over the next couple weeks you can plan next steps. you can go to toronto with a plan and execute over the holidays. this will all go well. Please don't despair my boy. Good things are coming . you don't have to live a life of low expectations my son. :) :)

Love God

dear god another laptop written note.

Dearest God, what the absolute fuck , I am so fucking tired of this shit. I feel battered and bruised and like a fucking failure. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but what the fuck.

Keep working the steps Krisen, reach out to Mel and your other sponsors and this too shall pass, get other sponsors , guides, fellow travel buddies. This will work. I am so so so sorry my love. I am so so so sorry, you are doing the absolute best you can , we feel you, we cry for you, we adore you, we feel so helpless at time, we are not you we are not them we are Just . Please soak up our abundant love, trust pray, pray for everyone in our life right now, pray for those who are suffering, there’s one of you and there will be magic , one person can do so much , imagine a world where millions care for themselves, heal their wounds and help as many people. We can solve All our problems. We can, just breathe little one, this will pass, we Love you and we adore you abundantly you are never alone. Smile and just be for today my love. The answers are coming my little one, breathe and trust and turn to me my love.

2 way prayer - no handwriting today.

Dearest God , hello if you are there. God please take away my resentment and hurt for Anna, Gary, all the people who I feel rejected by god, please take it away god, it’s not serving me and only putting me into despair and anger. Dearest God, I wish the everything I want for myself God, I want them to have an abundance of peace, love, joy , fulfillment and self love. Please father help them get this on their journey. Hey God, I’m scared about finances. Really really scared God. Please help me with the willingness today God to apply for skip the dishes and any other food delivery services God. I need to make some supplemental income while I prepare for more IT work. Dear God I’m so scared about the condo not selling and the implications for the montreal realtor. Please God I don’t want to ask you to help sandy sell because it benefits me. Please god whatever the outcome, please give me the strength to handle it dear God.

My dearest sweet boy, breathe my love, breathe out fear and despair and breath in love, joy strength, serenity, peace and knowledge. This will pass son, you are doing your very best, this will pass my son. I am so sorry that you are feeling the pressure and I’m so sorry that life feels empty and loneliness is killing, please do trust me, better days are ahead. You can give up the crutch of terror and food and numbing out in TV, and you can expect a better life my son. This will passs, it will pass please my dear boy, just believe in it. This too shall pass. Please be open to all the possibilities my boy. It’s coming, the answers are coming. Wait for it my love. Soak it in, be at peace, turn it over. Trust trust trust my love. It’s all coming and its’ all happening perfectly little one. Wait my son, just wait. Let it go and trust me. Come to me my love.

2 way prayer on Loving God

Dearest God, thank you! I felt a sense of peace and comfort today that I’ve not felt in a while and I’m very grateful. I guess I’m just happy that I’m doing the recovery work , watching the right shows, and choosing to act out of love, instead of fear. I’m very grateful that I’m chatting with my mom with love and compassion. I’m very grateful that I’ve got the right medications and I’m managing to cope with all the stressful things that are happening in my life. God, I want abstinence please Just one day please god, please help me put down the food tonight, I want that freedom that comes from a non bloated body and my self esteem not destroyed. Please please give me the strength god to be willing to be willing to be willing my dear precious god. I want to see the light instead of the darkness. Please open the path to you god. I want to choose the light and not the darkness.

Dearest precious one beautiful boy of mine. Breathe my son breathe my love. We are so very thrilled that you are connecting with us. Breath little one. It’s all going to work out okay. What better gift than the gift of life and wanting to live :) It will be fine little one, you are loved blessed and adored and most of all willing. The sale of the condo will work out. No matter how long it take little one. It’s a beautiful and gorgeous place that will sell. Rest in power and peace little K and trust your agent Sandy, she really has your back little one. The work is going well, Eric trusts you let go and let love little one, all will be fine. Keep reaching out to trusted ones and turn to me, Get down on your knees and come to our level , we love seeing you eye to ey. It’s all going to be alright.

ramblings and gratitude

Dear God, thank you for the help today. I’m still so dreadfully scared that everything is going to fall down like a house of cards will you please help me dear God. Bless Jonathan for not responding me to god, I don’t know what pain he’s in God. Dear God, bless Mattie, and Ree for getting back to me as well as god bless my mom for getting back to me and the Quebec government for approving my medication and the lovely time at the Gym, thank you God for the stretching and my not overdoing it. I can’t wait to go swimming and I know little K is also going to love it. I feel so grateful for putting together the meals, so very grateful for that and also for getting the onions, and thank you God for the conversation with Nina , very grateful for that as well as Siska’s organizing the group. All I can think about is sex God, everything I want I just want to fuck women, beautiful young women mostly but i’m even attracted to women my age. I feel so shit god, I felt hurt when ben asked for Emilio contact and said hey bro. I feel like shit god, like I’ve got a turned up amygdala and every other man doesn’t ,well I know that’s not true. I like what I’m reading about masculine and feminine and having both but it’s been so fucking hard god. I don’t even know what to say, where to begin, everything has been so hard God. And I thank you for holding on, I than. You precious god. Otherwise I would be an absolute mess.

2 way prayer on gossiping and betraying a trust

Dear Dear God. I am sorry that I just gave away a secret. It was gossiping not malicious I know my heart but it came out to my sisters. Progress not perfection. I hope the 2 people i’ve spoken about will forgive me. I hope that I’m not tempted to Gossip. Its so hard God I don’t know when I became a gossip King. Please help me do this less God. Dear God thank you for a night of abstinence. Thank you sweet Jesus, it was so hard the previous night and I had flour, volume and mayonnaise. I slept and felt okay. Please help me today God with the rescuing and the work. Its so fucking hard God. I feel scared so very very scared. The condo sale is in your hands dear God. I only need one offer at the price I’m offering which is fair market value and way way more than what I paid. Please help me be humble God, please help me turn this over to you. I’m scared God, Ive had the condo since birth as a new property born on native Indian land. I’m not oblivious this fact and I want the condo to be sold to a good person.

My dearest sweet son, We are so proud of you little on, we are learning and you are loved little one. So very very loved and it’s okay little one, you made a mistake with the gossip you are not a mistake. Keep turning it over to me, to do better , we are waiting , we spread love not fear and hate, we spread joy not despair, we spread hope. My dearest little one, I am hear for you everyday. The food , the job, the work, the loneliness, the condo, its all going to be okay my love it’s all going to be okay. Rest In Peace and my boundless love.

Love,

God

2 way prayer - letter to god and talking about despair

Dear Dear Dearest God, loving HP and inner spirit, I had such an awful dream about my mom, we were fighting, running away from her and then at the very end, I was trying to get back in and she was ignoring my help that was really brutal God, dear God, I want to please with this by turning it over and trusting you. Rest in you love. I’m addicted to junk and I just want to stop God. I just want to fucking stop the destruction and the pain please God. I don’t know if I’m doing the right things. I don’t know what the future holds with me living here in montreal and struggling day by day just to get by. I am reaching out more god, I am asking for help but I keep living with the gloom of being so fucking fragile. So sensitive to the ups and downs of people and their treatment of me, it hurts god, why do I have to be so emotionally fragile god. Hurt by my sister ignoring me, hurt by Jonathon ACA member for ghosting me, hurt by the realtor in montreal who doesn’t respond to my emails. I feel pressure from Brian over sexual innuendos. Feel scared over condo sale and lack of showings. Feel scared about visiting family in toronto. Feel scared about seeing my mom and her being overly needy on me and me having a hard time letting go and wanting to rescue her and me feeling sad that she is lonely and hurting like me. I really want to put the life vest on me first dear god and give myself permission to let love into my life. Scared that I won’t be able to handle the IT job , scared that I won’t be able to handle the bingeing and using food to soothe the stress, fear and loneliness. Please God, take all this from me for today. I want to be a calm, loving , peaceful, joyful and happy person god. Not a miserable fuck who hates life and is not in touch with his playful , curious, vulnerable inner child. I want to be soft inside God not hard from repeated hurts and undealt with Grief. Please God, help me see the miracles in my life.

2 way prayer after a binge - encouragement from God.

 Dear Dear Dear God. I feel terrible , binges 2 nights in a row. I just want to sleep but I watched the show and then i go down the rabit hole of porn, masturbation and binge eating. I'm so fucking tired of this shit but not enough to stop. what the fuck God. Please please help me God. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put the fear of diabetes, heart disease, fat shaming in me and make it fucking real. Why does this have to be so fucking hard. God are  you a motherfucker or what are you there, are you fore real for fucks sake!!

My dear dear boy. Please do not despair my love. I am here, it's  getting easier my son. I see you and your growth. I see you and  your desire to reach out and ask for help. You did today with Joel and Nina, congrats that was amazing! Keep being truthful my boy, share your struggles and successes. This gives others hope and draws them to you. Do not be afraid my son. I am so glad you are turning to me. It makes me and the other HPs smmile. you are love, you are love, you are loved my dear one. I know you are fearful and have so much pain and sadness to release. Do not fear my little one, the good things are coming you way. your god centered voice is working and you are stating your intentions. finding your voice and expressing your motherfucking self. Watch the anger and rage little one. i am so proud of  you for apologizing to Dina today. you really can't stand fakeness and bullshit. Turn to me when the rage comes and anger comes, take a breath my little one , pause , get perspective my little one. Trust me :) We want you to feel whole and love and peaceful. That's all we want for you my son. Peace love and joy , may it be so .  Love god. 

2 way prayer at swaraj's place

 Dearest God, helo. I really slipped yesterday but so grateful to be abstinent ( not bingeing) The spoon of honey and 2 trips for cashews. very dangerous, plus the sweet pear. Oh god, it's so shard. I'm grateful God for staying at anoop's place and to break out of the isolation of my very small apartment. Thank you God. I notice my affection for anoop and it scares me , how i can want romance from a guy. The companionship i crave so much and how it felt so comforting to just have the company While working on laptops and how i wanted to connect and making random comments even though he was busy, i'm so starved of intimacy god. Please God help me with the sale of the condo and the purchase of the new one and the car god. please help me with this. i'm very scared. I'm inspired by Joe MCQ, should I go straight to buying the house or wait God, i just don't know. Part of me wants to live the dream of a companion and a pet. so so so much. Helping the suffering addicts and the homeless but mostly for me, it's living the life of community where I'm not so alone all the time. Helping others heal the suffering that I'm able to heal in myself. Giving back for so much hat I've gratefully received. Please help me with this God and guide me to my next right action. 

Dearest sweet boy, hello my love. Breathe my son, breathe out self hate, shame, fear, despair and breath in my total sweet gentle unconditional love for you. This too shall pass my son. We are so thrilled of you and that you are participating in the world my boy. how very lovely. Live and let love in my son. We are here for you and love you so very much. 

2 way prayer on mortgage and selling place.

 Dearest God, I'm a bit scared of next steps for mortgage and selling my place. If this is you will please let me know God, can you please tell me what to do next my dearest God. Please show me if buying a place here is the right thing to do. Please if it is the right way clear the path for me god and show me the way. If it isn't God then please show me that way too. I know the doors will be closed and I won't try to force them open dear God. Dear God, please help me with the day, please help me with the step work dear god and please lift the resentments I feel towards Gary. Please Please dear God, guide em to the path for an abstinent day. I'm so scared God. 

My dear dear dear boy, you are doing so well my love. Do your step work my love, put in the effort and guard your abstinence today with all your might and mine. You are loved loved loved dear precious one. Please feel that. Lots of love, God. 

2 way prayer lots of F bombs

Dearest God, what the fuck . So much pain God, back in the fucking food. Fight with sponsor, reaching out to a fellow and sharing and picking up the food, WTF?! WTF God? I’m really fucking tired of this shit. God really fucking tired! It’s not fucking fair. I just don’t know what the hell you want from me. Sleep deprived, cranky and I still don’t want to go back to normal sleep rhythm because I want these prayer meetings. I love the people in these meetings and I want the connection with you oh loving gentle God. Please help me God. I want a companion. I don’t want to be insecurely attached and feeling needy all the bloody time. Dear god, I want a secure, loving , trusting and reciprocal relationship. Please guide me to the next right step?

Dearest sweetheart, we are here, we love you and want to wrap our arms around you in a beautiful loving embrace. You are doing so great and we are so proud of y ou. It’s coming little one, it’s coming please trust me and let go of the worry and fear. Let it all go and be secure in my loving heart. We love and adore you and you are fine and beautiful as YOU ARE. Big hugs and kisses and love God.

2 way prayer to God thank you for your help with 2 days abstinence

Dearest loving God, thank you for the night of abstinence. My SLAA traits are kicking in God, I want to change but it just seems like so much. What the hell do I do in the stillness and the aloneness of the night. Lots of anger god, so much anger and resentment at people that cut me off and let me down but most all I’m angry at myself God. I am angry for all the stupid impulsive things I’ve done, especially when it comes to spending, so fucking painful god, so fucking painful, yuck!. Grateful that I found debtors anonymous, SLAA, ACA OA and FAA. 4 programs, working it God. No time to waste. I’m already feeling so fucking old at 48. Food programs come first. The positive is that I’ve been having a lot of connection with the zoom/phone meetings and the zoom meditations. Thank you God, please help me reach out to people god, ( you with skin on :) ). Please help me risk romantic rejection because the fear is so paralyzing God and the loneliness just kills me.

Dearest sweet precious love of mine, hello my boy, breathe my son. You are doing great! 2 days of abstinence. Yippee! We are so thrilled. I know it’s hard son, feeling your feelings and not giving into the food. Rest In Peace my son and fall in my loving shoulders and lap. Fall in my loving embrace, let yourself go my dear son. You are loved and protected. You are doing so great, we are on our way. Keep doing what you are doing, the gratitudes and the things done well checklists :) Reach out and talk to me when there are difficult moments , just like last night at the grocery store, you didn’t buy the chips!! YAY, so yay! All will be shown my dear son, all the best paths for you will be revealed. Trust in your intuition, it’s my direct connection to you.

Lots of love,

God.

2 way prayer - thank you for day 1 abstinence God

Dearest precious God, hiya thank you very much for the abstinence last night God. Thank you for the intuition and that crunchy safe snack I had at home. Instead of stopping for the chips and a binge [ Hannah told me that It would take 2 weeks for those cravings to go away] I’m so very grateful for the one night of abstinence . I was tired driving last night back but I am so grateful for visiting my friend and getting the edible to help me sleep and seeing the fall colours. I cried out for you yesterday God. I was so close to stopping at the fucking gas store and buying junk . [a pusher at every fucking corner] Aggh God is it always going to be this hard??

Dear sweet boy, breathe my son, let it out. First of all, you are welcome :) my boy and you are loved loved loved ! I am so happy that you got to see your friend and you made it back safely. About your question I don’t know boy. All I know is that I want to help you and guide you and I want to speak to the other HPs to make everyone’s life smoother. When you cry, I cry and when you laugh I rejoice little one. It’s coming little one, it coming my boy , breath in my peace my love and my tenderness.

God loves you :)

a letter to God, fear and despair

Dearest God, if you are there? :) spirit of the universe, beauty, love, joy, Jesus, christ, buddha, Krishna, luxe, yaweh, Allah, hello precious one. I love you and I want to follow you but I’m afraid of where you will lead me. I feel my life is so purposeless and I’m driven by fear. I so dislike injustice and poverty and I’m struggling to give myself permission to earn a decent wage, especially now that there is more government support. I am Scared god. Do I need to go on disability, please help me with this my current earnings is not enough for my living needs and I feel so very powerless and helpless to change it. Please help me with this and the chronic loneliness brings me so much fear and despair.

Dearest sweet son, I hear you and I’m so sorry that you are going through so much turmoil right now. It’s so very hard and I am so proud of you my boy. There is so much you are going through, so many disruptions and questions and I just want to hug you and tell you that it’s going to be okay! You are seeking help with debtors anonymous and soon with under earners. You can live within your means son. I know how hard it is to ask for help and the pandemic relief helped you so much as you struggled with your addiction recovery. You are still employed my boy, you are still getting some work even though it is not enough right now. BELIEVE in me and my power to open doors, trust me my boy. Take care of yourself, go to the doctors, get blood taken go to the employment center go and see what’s out there, you are not alone in this son, there are others who are struggling with depression, loneliness, anxiety and the ability to make a living. This too shall pass dear one. I love you so very much.

Dear God, i feel lonely and despair.

Dearest Loving God, yikes God, the last few days have been so hard with the cravings. Thank you God. Thank you for the abstinence. I’ve been picking up Porn and feeling extremely lonely as you know and it’s so very nice to have a reprieve from the absolute nightmare that is bingeing and body obsessing. Today is the convention in the other food fellowship. I’m happy with that. It’s where I need to be to participate God. So very happy about that. God am I going to be okay? Am I doing the right things if so why is it so very hard God and I why am I so so afraid when things don’t go well at work. Why do I feel so scared at disapproval God like a little child about to be punished. Surely it must get better than this. P.S. I love you God.

Dearest sweet boy. I love you too, so lovely to talk to you after a long time, it’s been over a week hasn’t it? So let’s Catch up. You are still loved my sweet boy, you are still guided and protected. You bring me smiles and make my heart sing. It’s okay little one, do not despair. It’s coming. What you want more than anything else is to feel love and comforted by another. That’s coming my boy. I see the sadness and the loneliness you go through every night and I want you to know that it’s coming my boy. It’s coming little one, please have peace knowing this. Do not despair my little one. I love you

prayer on handling family visit today.

Dear God, Thank you for the recovery from the sugar binge the previous night. Thank you, Thank you Thank you. I enjoyed the gym last night. The conversation with Juliana. She is a bit wild and weird, what the fuck not wanting to wear masks and talk. I did enjoyed the conversation and social interaction and also setting my boundary when I wanted to do my exercises. It was so so good! This is it God, in a few hours, I will get to see the family in old Montreal. I am so so scared of the enmeshment. Please be with me God, help me see the light and follow your guidance and your protection. This too shall pass right God. I am still so so hurt by them God, I feel abandoned still and there are some wounds that we never talked about. I just want to live my life in peace and not trying to please others at my own experience.

I know they will expect from me more than I am capable. Of giving and I told them that I had a hard time with nights because of my space. Now anoop and family is asking me to come visit. Fuck you and your religion God. I hate thanksgiving my mother is alone and I don’t want to rescue her. But I do feel compassion for my mother and her being alone. Please help me God.

Dear sweet child, thank you for reaching out to me my love. You are truly loved and heard and adored my beautiful child. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this my boy. I hear you are able Bodied unlike Baljeet ( so so sad, I just want you God on a sidenote to please let him be happy God.) but feel so trapped. I am here for you my dear child. Rest my boy it’s your weekend, it’s your day. It’s your time for recharging and for bettering your life everyday . It’s a gift my precious little one. I want you to feel loved and that you have lived my son. Rest and feel the love and joy that is so abundant in this world. Your family wants to see you and they miss you. I will guide you my precious child. I will guide you to your best outcome today. Love you lots GOD.

letter to God

Dearest God. I am not upset with you my dear father, I love you dearly. I’m so frigging upset that It’s taking so long to print out John’s piece of shit update of his fucking piece of absolute horse manure fucking laptop. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The reality god is I fucking hate life. I fucking hate life so fucking much. We are all going to die. And I feel so horrible about Baljeet so fucking horrible. Please god show me, help me please, take away this horrible fucking low grade of self worth that I feel. What the fuck God. What the fuck. Fuck it’s not supposed to be so fucking hard is it. Like I just don’t fucking get it. What does he have for

2 way prayer - on sponsor giving me advice re: dating and LGBTQ groups

 Dearest God, hello are you there. Please help me from myself. I'm so sick of the effects of night eating. When will I learn that it's not just the bag of popcorn that I am buying, it's the bag and then the bowl of this and that. I am an animal when I binge. I feel awful and I'm scared of seeing my family and showing my face. I don't looking at myself on zoom . People say oh I look healthy now after my 20lb weight gone . but I feel so damn fat. [Today dan said the book on body image is so good] and I'm so grateful to him because I already own the book. This is causing me so much pain and fear God, please please help me God. 

Dearest precious one, Breathe my brave son, 4-4-6 deep ujay breaths. Watching the celebration for 50 hit you so hard, I know my dear son. you have your life now [Diana said about her 56 year old little person who died and only had 2 years with his daughter but it was such a nice game changer for me it's possible to be a dad at 50 :)]. I want you to know that comparing yourself to others and seeing "how little you have to show for it" is a crock of shit. You are so dearly loved my boy by so many. That is how you measure yourself isn't it, it's not by things it's by how much love you have in your life. You are so very loved and adored. You make me smile my love :)

Please don't pay any more attention to what your sponsor said about you dating and being with other LGBTQ groups so you can meet a partner. Please follow your intuition on what's right for you and that will be the best action for your course. You are careful my dear boy and you do what you can handle while taking little risks and I'm so very proud of you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️🏄🏼‍♂️🔥🔥🔥. Keep smiling my dear son, let go of the wheel, trust in the autopilot. I will guide you. 

Love god. 

on Baljeet and his note to me

Dear God, I wish I didn’t respond right away to Baljeet when he told me he lost his legs and fingers and nearly died. I wish I was more gentle and loving and caring , he had not responded to me in a year God and I got excited. I hope he forgives me with the response and reaches out to me again. Why are relationships so hard God and why am I so misunderstood all the time. I know I responded partly based out of fear God. It’s so hard when my abandonment wounds are dragged. I really do try God, I really do try. I am not Bill Wilson, I remember how he would respond with such tenderness in his letters (telegrams)

Dearest son, oh sweet child of mine, love of my life. Rest please, give yourself a big hug today. You are loved and are loving. Baljeet’s email shocked you and he will forgive you and if he wants to he will come back to you. Let him be my son. I’ll put in a good mood for you to his Higher Power. MWWWWWAAAAAHHHHH

Take things one moment at a time my dear son, Ask for help from me. I will always guide you in a gentle and loving way and help you my dear son, you don’t have to do this alone.

2 way prayer Today

Dearest God, thank you for a night of abstinence and thank you God for your love and light. Today dear God, I’m worried about my double chin, I want to be able to fix the bike but I’m worried that it’s so fragile in the electrics and also that I won’t be able to put back on the covers. Please help me with this dear God. Dear God, my father and my mother and my best friend. I feel connected to you divine energy , force of good and purity and love in the world. You are Gold to me. About Isai and family and my weight gain, please please help me with this. The anxiety god I turn entirely to you for help my dear love. Grateful for FAA and OA and Aca and beautiful friends in program.

Dearest precious child, oh joy of mine, you are most welcome my love. I am so glad you had a night of reprieve from the bingeing. I’m sorry it’s been so hard with the fear my heart bleeds for you my boy. Rest and take it easy my love. This too shall pass, hasn’t it always my son. You are loved loved loved. I’m sorry your social circle is so small and you feel so lonely. I’m here my boy, I will never leave you, please don’t leave me. I’m so happy that you shared at the ACA meeting and chatted with Kim , am so very thrilled for you my love . You are Okay my love, you don’t have to please anyone except yourself. The world goes on without you so it’s okay to take time off and focus on being the best version of yourself. I will always love and support you. You will not have to face life alone anymore. I will never give up on you never ever. Please my dear boy, know and feel this.

2 way prayer today

Dear God, thank you for a night of abstinence. I didn’t think I was going to make it, the cravings were so strong and thank you for the idea of going to the gym to relieve the intense anxiety. I needed to get rid of the excess adrenaline. Yikes god, time is flying I know I shouldn’t focus on the future, bust be present. Boy is that hard to do god. I want to change my mom. I don’t want her to do all the self help work because I don’t believe it will heal her trauma. Please help me be open minded and willing not to judge her. I get angry God because of the enmeshment. I don’t want her to put her stuff on me. I don’t have the energy god. I guess frankly I don’t trust her. It’s making me realize how I try to push my stuff on to others when all I need is to live well. Arggh 12 step and evangelizing. Please help me God, Please help me have an open mind.

Dearest precious child, breathe my son 4-4-6, you know the drill. I’m sorry precious one about the extreme anxiety. It will pass my boy, It has done so before. My job is to help you to see the Good in every situation. It’s not a fucking lesson. [I don’t wish this on anyone.] you are loved my boy. You only have to do this for you my boy, self care, self protection, boundaries, respect self and others. And for my sake no more automatic sorries. Let your sorry mean something. And you are not broken my child, you are a gift and I love you so much so very much.

2 way prayer today.

 Dear God, thank you for last night abstinence. Glad to snack on protein instead of the penauts and chips. Slowly but Surely right God? Dear God, i feel so inadequate and am struggling with getting older and wanting to surround myself with younger people. Am I in denial God? It's really awful that I don't have close friends my age. I feel so lonely all the time. I'm drawn to romance stories and shows and all i do is compare how i don't have that in my life and it's so painful dear God. I'd like a sign please dear God. Please help me God. What is my path? Surely it must be better than wasting the days in isolation and addiction.

Dearest sweet boy, hello my love. Today is monday and it's going to be difficult to put your mind back to work mode. it's okay my boy. Call your sponsor Gary today and make some OA outreadch calls. Remember my boy, people in this program want you to succed and live your best life. The ones your chose are safe dear boy. I know a lot will come up leading to thanksgiving and your sister coming to montreal. It's okay my child, you are love love loved. Do not despair, This too shall pass my dear son. I love you. 

Notes from Margaret session.

 Notes from Margaret session

Get away from my pathologies ( i have mental illness etc.) build skills to be more assertive to be less trusting and more discerning and to protect myself with people and relationships.

When faced with bullies or difficult people. You know what, I’m going to have to get back to ou. 

I need to think about it, i can hear your reasons but I don’t have to give you an answer now. I can be vague, that’s kind of interesting, i guess we should look at that. More of a politician. 

Avoid you me or I , don’t personalize it, make it about best practices etc. 

Look at a picture that doesn’t change, sit up when listening to the inner ear training. 

On feelings , Leonard Cohen song: I don’t trust my inner feelings, feelings come and go .

On why I’m into dark stuff. I’m more into understanding the pathology and it doesn’t really mean anything. In another profession maybe I’m a therapist. 

2 way prayer on Election day

 Dear God, that was so soul crushing why God is it so hard to put the fucking food down≥ I don’t blame you. Yesterday ou helped me in the store buy something that was okay. I had binged eaten earlier in the day and you led me to a healthier choice so thank you God. The loneliness is crushing God. What an existence i don’t know if i want to live sometimes. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I watched the guy from the up series the one that had mental health issues and it was so very hard to watch. His life was so hard but he didn’t give up. I found it so sad that he had the depression and the brooding moods and still his wife left him, how is someone going to live with me. How god please tell me. All i do is medicate to calm myself down and it’s so fucking hard God. So very fucking hard. So many people have let me down by not replying God, i feel like such a child. So much shitty shame, will my life ever be better God. Is this all there is?

Dearest sweetheart, i love you my dear you are so worthy of my everlasting love. I am so thrilled that you are making this conscious contact with you my love. I am so very sorry that you are going through such a stressful time and the anxiety is coming back up. I am so very sorry my dear boy. I want you to know that I’m here for you, i love you so very much and I will ALWAYS guide you to your next right outcome. Feel all your feelings my love even the despair. It’s okay my love. You can be your true self around me my love you don’t have to pretend to be anything but your true loving self. 

Love always,

God. 

My 2 way prayer writing

 Dearest God, please help me. I had a horrible day yesterday hungover spont mostly in bed, why dear God. why does it have to be so very hard. Why do people take so long to respond to me and why i so shame based God? It's like i expect to be dissapointed and let down. and I don't like myself so how the hell can people like me. My mom is so lonely and sad God and so very needy, i feel so trapped God. It's so unfair and so sad to have this guilt consume me. 

2 way prayer today

 Dear God, thank you, thank you so so much. It hurt so much last night it was so very painful God. Please help me with life please help me stay in the moment God. Please help me heal. it's so very very hard God. I want love, sex, companionship. I feel so very deeply deprived of it. Last night I called out to Nasreen and remembered how we cuddled in bed, i miss that so much, i miss the lust.

The cravings are fucking intense God, you know. I just don't know if it will go away the loneliness and despair god and the the powerlessness, hopeless feeling. sometimes I say I want to die, please just kill me God. I don't want to feel this continuous pain every fucking night. Please give me the next right action dear God. With love, Krisen. 

My dearest son of mine my joy and bliss how i love these so so much. I'm very sorry you are suffering my son. My heart bleeds and I'm god and I also feel helpless when i see you suffer my dear child.. So powerless to help you. let me help you son , let me guide  you.  that's all i can do, i don't control outcomes but I can and will guide you my dear son. Please follow my lead my boy. Place your trust in me one step, one day, one moment at a time. one foot at a time, one finger at a time one breath at a time. let go my dear son and fall into my lap. I know it's so very hard to let go and trust when you've had to work so very fucking hard to keep things together. We are here for you my boy, we will help you my boy, you are truly loved. 

Rest easy my love, all will be revealed, the next right path will be shown. I love you so so very much, you are well my boy, you are well. 

dear god 2 way prayer today

Dear God

Hello, how are you its been a while. Thank you for sheoung me the way. I felt so much hurt when I was turned down by the lalord for the parking space and then relaizing the ebike was too big to fit in my place.. and then the self loathing god . Why god I can be so brutal on myself. Living life with the critic. I get it . I'm not surpose to progress and have fun. I should increase my earning and I hope this can be done with this purchase. I don't fucking know sometimes. If I'm just kidding myslef. More toys more distractuisn so I don't face my inner tumroil and sadness and lonesliens and all my fears of and regrets on what's passed and. How I've not jumped in after nasreen. So much loss opportunities god. So much pain and hiding in my food addiction. So awful god.  Where do I go next. 

My  dear ❤️ boy child if mine love of my life. Rest my boy and be gentle my son love you like I do. If only you see what I see my dear love. Dear sweet love. Be ever so gentle with yourself. All will be revealed. You're doing the best you can. And I'm not going to be the military leader you want and expect. Rest easy my boy. Rest in love. Rest in power. You are truly truly adored my boy and loved beyond this planet and beyond the universe. 

Love and the biggest bear hug ever

God

2 way prayer meeting today

 Dear God, I'm just so fucking angry today. So let down by you and I feel so lonely today God and I hate that I use porn and reach for food to deal with the loneliness. I'm so tired of always feeling like I'm defective. The blowback from my Facebook comment and then my sister reacting to my comment by putting me in social media Jail I"m tried of the fucking destruction my anger is causing. I'm tired of trying to control the outside fucking world. I'm tired of wanting the world to love me when I feel so much of turmoil within. I feel like all the crutches that I've had are being thrown away and now I have to deal with me, myself and I and it is so very scary God. So very frightening and real, what the hell God. 

My dearest sweet child of mine, Breathe, take in your breath and breathe, all will be okay my son, all will be fine. you are so very loved and anything is possible. I'm so sorry you are feeling frustrated and lonely. I'm so very very sorry. I know you dislike the constant boundary setting from your mom and caretaking feelings. Breathe my son, let it out I'm here for you. I will not leave you, ever! You've had a wonderful social week. You deserve to be happy my love. You deserve to be free from food addiction and you deserve a partner who is light and has worked on themselves. Trust that this person will show up in your life as you find your own inner peace my son. I know it is hard to see it now but it is coming dear one, I promise you. 

Lots of love God. 

2 way prayer meeting today

 Dear God, what the fuckity fuck Man. Thanks for the abstinence last night. one day feels so good, so so good!  I was in so much pain over my body and the wieght gain and having to buy bigger clothes. Terrible God, just terrible. Please help me. I feel so overwhelmed and scared about work. I havent had a full day in year or os and especially without napping in between and now 2 days straight plus 10 hours of flying time and not being in my own kitchen. Please help me give my best with the project and also be willing to ask for help and not take things so personally. Please help me stay abstinent no matter what dear God. 

Dear Dear boy, It's okay my love. You know what I always tell you, take deep Ujay breaths my boy. Deep 4-4-6 breaths, breath out fear, anger, jealousy not being good enough and breath in light, power, my abundant and generous love.  you have a beautiful portable program my boy and I am always here for you .always. Trust me and love others and your self. You are not alone my child, never alone and I am so very very proud of the healing work you are doing. 

Love, God. 

notes from phil session yesterday

 Notice anger when it comes up, i won't always be able to notice it in time but most times I will be able to do another action like reach out to others. 

I don't need to take it out on others, i have nature walks, a car to yell in , program people to talk with, journaling and taking care of inner child. getting down on my knees and asking HP for help with the dark ugly emotions. 

Keep doing the good work of letting out the feelings as it comes. Theres a time and place to let out all the repressed anger and emotions from the past. 

That incident with my former sponsor asking me how I am and then cutting me off is more based on old feelings and triggers. There is only a small percentage of it that's current moment. 

As I become more stable, rely less on compulsive eating etc. I can practice visiting, joining groups etc. 

I feel a lot of repressed energy and anxieties re: meeting a partner and having intimacy. I can bring those into my life as much as I am working to keep the countertop clean, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, do laundry etc. 

Dear God - on nightmare and wanting a partner

 Dear God, I'm so glad I woke up and it was just a dream. First, thank you for abstinence last night. I"m going to stay of the artificial sweeteners because the cravings are so strong. In my dream, i was so sad when i heard my mom passed and my sister and brother in law kept it from me until i got there and saw it on a paper. It was shocking for me. I know i'm in a grieving period for SO much, so much loss that it's in my body and it has to come out. God please help me shed tears. please guide me and show me the way. God I want a partner please , whats the point of doing all this work on myself and continuing to be alone?

My dear precious one. hello my son. Breath let it in my beautiful child. I'm sorry it hurts so much. The physical separation from mom was necessary so you could know where mom ends and you begin. I'm so sorry you had that dream and I know ho much it hurts little one. I see it in you, i see the pain in your face and it hurts me so. Come to me, stay with me. let me take away all of your burdens let me shower you with my loving presence. feel safe in me. you got good news yesterday for finances and I know that you're feeling like its not going to happen. Like you need to keep the hopes down so you will never have to be dissapointed again. isn't this the reason why you don't have a partner now, why you're too afraid to let people in so that you don't have to face dissapointment and hurt?  you can't be abandoned my child, you can be left but you will not be abandoned any more my love. rest in that, take comfort in that my love. It's okay my boy , trust , trust, trust in my me. Good things are coming if you work for it and you are my boy you are working for them. So let the good things come in, allow them in sone and trust. I love you so much. God

Letter to God this morning at OA 3am meeting.

 Dearest God, oh love of mine. it's so so hard. I'm so sad that I picked up the food yesterday. Please help me God. Please help me with the shame, please help me with my forgiveness and self compassion. Why God, why does it have to be so hard. I felt so low just before I went in to buy. I felt so worthless and scared. I'm so tired of visiting people and coming out of there scared, anxious, lonely and frightened. Did the half beer make it worse?? I'm so very tired of it. 

God: My dear dear dear boy. Breathe my boy, breath in my love and strength, unconditional it is. Firstly I am truly sorry that you are suffering. You are well my boy, we are well and I'm proud of you. All this work you're trying to do all the help you're trying to get all the reaching out and all the thinking, the fucking thinking can be exhausting at times. I see it and I hear you . Rest my son. you are human! I've got your back and trust me little one. TRUST ME! You don't have to do this all on your own! Give it to me boy. Give me your fears, youre loneliness, your desires, your dark thoughts, your embarrasing thoughts, your lust, give it all to me. You are not shame my son you are pure love and I love you so very much breat and know this. It's all going to be okay. 

Love God

notes from today's Margaret session

Margaret thinks it weird that my mom has still not communicated with me. I say that who knows what she’s going through , I have compassion for her but I have to stand up on my own 2 feet. And I continue to pray for her health, happiness and lots of love in her life. I can be devoid of any angry thoughts and show love and compassion. In the beginning it hurt but now I’m making peace with it.

We went through the 3 Bains. From frontal lobe, to emotional brain with the amygdala and then to the reptilian brain. Often I react out of fear, I’m in my emotional brain and my thinking brain is turned off or significantly dimmed. Like when I got the notice from industry canada about the taxes , I panicked and felt fear and then instructed my reptilian brain to act which made a poor choice of forming a new corporation. I could have gone for a walk, though about different scenarios, contacted my accountant and then waited for Monday. It wasn’t an emergency that had to happen right on that weekend.

Sometimes my reptilian brain dominates all other parts like if it truly is a life and death scenario. Like stepping in front of a car or someone shooting at me or if I’m about to fall of a cliff etc.

Another example is when upa died and I was in my emotional brain and I tried to book a ticket and I booked the wrong date. My thinking brain was turned off.

It’s important to operate in the middle of fight flight/ or freeze and depressed mode. i’ve got to take action to move the body to get out of the couch and also to act mindfully when my brain is going a 1000 miles a second. To regulate downwards. So I guess both regulating up and regulating down is needed.

Look up what colour is my parachute, I probably don’t want to invest more in IT training. What tasks do I like. Do I want to work sometimes with people. Do I like project management. AM I compulsive or reactive. Do I want indoor or outdoor work. See what I like about the Edmonton trip and journal about it. What don’t I like. I can find a job that meets most of what I like.

Do the cleaning and grooming for myself and it will help me with a partner. Because those things are important regardless if I’m alone or not.

Fill out the paperwork for the sound therapy.

God speaks

My dear dear boy, it’s okay my son, it’s okay. Rest In Peace, rest in power my little one. All the angels you’ve needed have shown up yesterday, haven’t they? Val helped you a lot with connection to the FAA program and abstinence. You gave really good service at the FAA meeting yesterday. And people like Jacqueline really responded to you, you are really finding your tribe of safe people. I’m sorry my boy, I know it’s really tough. This shit is not easy and I cry for this world. It’s so damage but there are people who are resisting! It’s possible. I marvel at humanity, It’s wonderful. That gives me hope to keep going my boy, to get behind you, to watch over you my love, to guide you. You are so worthy and so loved my son. Rest easy, know this my son. Love God.

dear God

Thank you for a peaceful night of abstinence. I stepped on the scale and I was shocked yesterday, I don’t remember being this heavy in such a long long time. Please help me God deal with the day and life on life terms. It’s so very hard God, everything is so very hard when I have to face it alone. I know that with you I have a chance. Thank you God.

A couple days later. Thank you God for the retrieval the last 2 days. God bless you and all the other Gods who watch over me and my loved ones and our fellow humans. I love you god. I love me. I am so so grateful for this little moment of peace. I feel so very sad about my mom. I understand that she loves me and is asserting her boundaries. God please give me strength to keep moving forward. Please bless mom abundantly God , please shower her with hope, abundance of love with self and others and the hope for romantic love. Please help her find peace and joy and serenity on a daily basis God, that is what I want for me. May I live with ease. Amen

I think no matter what I’m going to be okay. I’m willing to do the work today. I know that I don’t have the luxury of resentments, I need to accept others and myself as I am, I need to learn and stop stepping in the shit. That’s where the change comes in right, be willing to learn a new way of being and change. Set my boundaries, respect others boundaries, feel ALL my feelings, recognize when I’m sad, hurt , angry by others, it’s never just about them is it. What’s the root feeling, why is it so exaggerated?

I may get irritated by another’s neediness. But that’s just it isn’t it, I despise that in myself. I’m not willing to waste another minute, I’m just so very wary of time now, I’m so very wary of time now that I seem to have so little of it. I’m grateful to connect with the beautiful sensitive and kind women in the program today.

Today god said I’m fine as I am, God told me that I’m a loving and beautiful person and that I’m doing the absolute best I can. God told me to ask for my needs and not settle for less than that. Gold told me I have everything I need and I learned today to turn to them first and I will gladly receive help from those with skin on. There are many of us. I am so proud of the pool I started of playing basketball today, of walking by Tommy Thompson, of taking care of the birds, and making an executive call not to cover them due to the heat. Of fixing my car for the aircon and fixing it for the tire change. And fixing the side mirror and waiting out the warning lamp so that it was a non issue. And parking so that I don’t get a ticket, and giving the budgies food on time and opening the cage and closing it for them. For all this I’m truly grateful.

I really do miss my mom and I think it’s very sad that it’s come to this. I pray for her every day and I know that she loves me as I do her and prays for me also.

2 way prayer about Denis and PTSD.

Hi God, what an awful day, WTF God , do you love me? So much PTSD yesterday, I binged and thank you for being with me in the grocery story. I want comfort and love and all I know is the food, please help me. I can’t stand Denis. I’m so tired of the blaming and ridiculing God and I keep feeling less than when I’m in the food god, is that what it is, should I stop even trying , it’s terrible God, this self loathing and food bondage. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been doing this for so many years and I’’ve tried normal work and I always feel like I’m just dying slowly. I don’t know if I’m being too dramatic. I just don’t know what to do God, can you please please help me.

Dear precious boy, be well, be still, know that you are loved and adored. I am so sorry we are hurting my love. I heard you and felt your connection with me. It’s getting better my little one. We pounded the crap of the medicine ball , well done my boy . Please do remember that ‘hurt people hurt people. I’m so sorry about Denis my love. Give him a pass. This PTSD is not fun, I know God loves them too my boy, god loves Rena and Mellisa and anyone else who ignores you my boy because they are suffering from their own space. Send them love my boy and wish them well. We are here my boy, we love you so so much, you are adored so so much. Go forth my boy and dance in peace and tranquility.

2 way prayer from a previous night

Dear God, firstly thank you, thank you God for an abstinent night with the food, yippee kaya MF. I miss my mom God, absence makes the heart grow fonder, she stopped emailing me rather she didn’t respond to my last email. I’m so starved for companionship and I have to trust that my mom is now respecting my boundaries . Why is it so very hard God. I want to reach out to her but I’m afraid that If I do, I won’t be able to handle communication because I’m unable. I’m afraid at Geoff he went into a depression about his and I don’t know if he’s going to come out of it. Uggh I just want safety and stability with people god. I don’t want to be let down and hurt, dear God please help me.

My dear dear boy, chin up, hugs, cuddles, wipe away the tears, you’re reading a book on anger, its a different take from the 12 steps “ Anger is the dubious luxury of odinary men but with us it kills” It’s good to understand your anger my boy we will help you turn it acceptance.

I’m sorry you miss your mom, it’s okay my son, it’s okay. You can keep telling her how much you love her with you emails. She keep hinting at meeting you to give you your stuff. It’s okay.

Dear God, I’m grieving giving up women when I wear my pride mask.

My dear dear boy it’s not like it’s worked for you in the past when you didn’t wear a mask. It’s okay my boy start a profile, say you’re queer and see what happens. I’m sorry you live in a mostly binary world..it’s not really working for you is it my boy.

Dear God, its so so fucking hard God, went to get out and enjoy live , grab it by the balls and be happy and free. How do I do that when my heart is so heavy God and I keep getting into the food? Sob.

My dear dear boy, it’s okay it’s coming my Boy, please please trust us.

2 way prayer June 19th

Dear God, I felt so wounded yesterday when my cousin didn’t respond to me in the euro soccer group chat. I feel angry and I think he’s an asshole. How can I stop looking for love in all the wrong places God?

My Dear Dear boy, we are so so sorry that you had to experience that yesterday and in a group setting no less. Hurt people hurt people my boy. Your cousin has in the past shown he wanted attention and was competitive with you. It’s okay my dear boy, look at his loving side. We know your talent and your worth even if he doesn’t . Your cousin loves you and look at his personal loving email and where he sent you a pic of his dad. His dad, your uncle died when he was only 10. Move on my son, spread your energy and your love elsewhere. You are truly loved and adored by us Gods, we talk about you and celebrate you all the time. Go where you are celebrated by us son, not just where you are tolerated. Smile my boy, do the happy dance, you are alive and wonderful.

Dear God, I’m still troubled by mom this morning, she didn’t respond to my last email. Is she playing games God? I don’t know if the last time she didn’t respond to and see my email was a lie. Uggh, why don’t I trust her god. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has me by the balls and manipulating me with her silent treatment. What should I do god?

My dear dear boy. I’m so very sorry that you are so triggered and so vulnerable about communicating with mom. Hang in there my dear boy, we are all watching out for yours and mom’s best interest. You are fine and fierce my dear one. Lots of love, God.

June 14th 2 way prayer

HI God, what an awful day, WTF God, do you love me? So much PTSD. I binged, thank you for being with me in the grocery store. I want comfort and Love, and I realized how much I wanted that when I saw the attractive lady but I was dressed like a bum. It’s so very so very hard God. All I feel and know now is rejection. Please help me God, I can’t stand Denis. I’m so tired of the blaming and riduculing and I keep feeling less that. Am I in the wrong field God, is this what it is? Shall I stop even trying, it’s terrible God. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been doing this for so many years. I’ve tried manual work and this is a different type of stress and I always feel like I’m walking dead , like I’m just existing. I just don’t know what to do. Is a part time job at Bell an answer God. I was spurred to action by Denis and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing.

Dearest precious boy, be well you are so very loved my body , you are worthy and you are love. I am so very sorry we were hurting my love I heard you and I felt your connection with me. It’s getting better little one, we pounded the crap of the medicine ball and we shared at at the OA meeting. Well done my boy, hurt people hurt people, let’s keep letting it out. I’m sorry it’s so hard to trust people my boy. I’m sorry about Denis and the trauma you feel, PTSD is not fun!! God loves you my boy, we all love you. Rena has her struggles, Mellissa has her struggles, JJ has her struggles, Val has her struggles. All these people my son are hurting just like you, please give them a pass and find other trusted people. I know you felt abandoned and I’m sorry that they are not a priority in your life, it hurts my boy, it really hurts. You are not alone we love you, we are here for you my Love, we will help you take care of your little ones . Rest In Peace and power my dear sweet boy.

2 way Prayer June 12th

Hi God, thank you for a good day at work and thank you that this latest injury looks more like a muscle sprain than a tear. I was so scared and distraught when the injury happened God, Meric. Please help me do the right things to have the discipline to heal it. God I’m scared about the food last night. I was like an animal digging into the garbage from the leftover chips. I’m scared because I wanted a gargantium supply of chips and that cravings scared me. What do I do God, please tell me please help me.

Dearest precious Son, I ‘m sorry my boy I’m so sorry that you’re in pain and scared. Yes my son those were tough years for your last injury my boy. Get your yoga mat that you can carry and go to the gym boy, take it and stretch, stretch those sore muscles and stretch to become flexible. Make it comfortable son so that it becomes a habit. I will guide you to a good physio, just as you’ve been guided to a good mechanic. You are guided to the right people my boy when you turn to me. You have learned so much about taking care of you body all that pain was not in vain, see it rhymes :) pucker up young padiwan, we love you and we have this :)

About the food, step 1 my boy, step 1 , we keep waiting and waiting for you to take it we don’t want you to go down into the gutter, keep working my boy, do the work, the memories of this insidious disease will come and we shall see how much damage that first bite or that behaviour does to our lives. Turn to me my son, trust and turn to me in duress. I will console you my little one.

2 way prayer June 1st prior to ACA LL call

 Dear God, What the Fuck Fuck?!?!

Dearest boy, my little bloated munchkin, there are some rough days ahead for sleep and food hygiene. I'm so sorry my boy, I feel your pain around your belly and your bingeing, I'm so very sorry. Yesterday you had a better night with eating food and not junk. God bless you son, oops I guess that's me :) lol

You get relief in the form of humour little one. keep laughing and crying and smiling and yelling , let it out boy, embrace your child self your 2 year old. embrace them, they are real with their feelings, it is not muted little one, embrace ALL your feelings. What a blessing to hear from these people who open your eyes to what a life could be. I'll be with you my little one, you don't have to do this on your own, we are here everywhere and always and love you so very deeply. Hug yourself today little one, you are adored ❤️

sleep today morning June 2nd

 Sleep today. I woke up at 4:50, i stayed in bed till then. I woke up earlier at 1:30 and at 3:30 i think but i stayed in bed. I don't know how much continous sleep i got but I had some worries and I'm goign to keep a pencil and notepad on my bedside to write down ideas. 

i watched shows on ipad the whole night, did not read and it kept me up till late. I also napped yesterday for about 30-60 mins, I'm not sure how long. 

2 Way prayer from Today!! May 31st :)

 Is it honest, Pure, selfish and loving ;)

Dearest god, thank you thank you. it's so nice to have a 1 night's repreive from the binge eating. Jesus God, why is it so fucking hard and brutal to stay abstinent. I felt full last night, emotionally full. I am so glad that I called Pallavi and shared what I was feeling. I am so glad that I called my sponsor and spoke the truth about my previous day binge. I am so glad and thankful that I vented my anger on the ACA meeting. What a trip! And throwing the medicine ball that was so nice. Why so much rage God? guilt fear, shame are my constant companions god, when will I love myself God when will I be at peace for fuck's sake. 

My dearest precious one, love of my life, gentle soul. You're welcome :) Keep doing what you are doing little one. you're heart is growing up, your desires are coming through, we are very proud. Keep writing expressing yourself , let it out as much or little as your want. You have it in you my boy, the end is near. The end of confusion and despair is near. Rest up and Smile today :) love God. 

2 Way prayer from the Other day

Dear God, that was a lot of red meat last night, chewing on it like an animal in bed, there cravings were so strong and the 4 mandarins. Thank god that is all that's left. So alone and tired of the behaviours and not the willingness to change watching stuff in bed. I don't know why change is so hard dear God. What I think I need gets me into trouble What the F God?!

Dearest precious boy, you're so happy to be doing this meeting. What a gift to let out your creative side and write with different colours on the writing pad. Smile my son, rest easy, go with the flow. Today's Just for Today reading was lovely. Let's take life by the balls as it comes and we will handle it together. No stress, we just let go of our fears today. Trust that I can help you son, my darling you are heard, loved and appreciated : ) Love God. 

2 way prayer from the other day

 Dear God, I'm so grateful I didn't pick up yesterday but I did pick up the dreaded peanuts and I fell yucky God. Where you at the supermarket when I was calling to you and I felt so much self hatred. Why God am I feeling so much anger and taking it out on others. The Microsoft rep didn't desert that yesterday. I know it's not her fault. I felt so shitty after, getting angry at her. 

Dearest precious one, we are so sorry that you and she had to go through that experience. Listen to the footsteps song, you love so much today. "When you Cry , I cry." I am always with you my love you are never alone. My dear precious one, The rage you feel, the anger my boy is all part of the human experience. Let it out, embrace it. Try not to hurt others and if you do please do say sorry to them. You do need any more hatred and anger to yourself. You are a beautiful kind, loving soul. It was a difficult day, forgive yourself and laugh and play today Go easy and gently my boy. love you love you love you , God.

Pictures from Nun's island last weekend

 Here are the pics I've taken with my canon EOS5D 2006 model

2 way prayer today May 27th

 Dearest Loving God, my dear HP, oh love of mine. Thank you truly for a good day yesterday. Getting my 2019 taxes done was a real blessing and I'm glad i was nice and polite with my accountant even though she was stalling and misunderstood me and I was so irritated and scared. Thank you also for good peope in my life and thank you for the connection with my mom at a pace that I can handle!  What now God, what now??  I'm seeing a doctor over video on saturday, what should i ask him for. I'm so afraid of aging. I want love but I feel I don't know what that looks like. 

My dearest precious child, oh love of mine. my little kinder, Keep doing what you are doing ; the love comes from within. You will find a way to get more love in your life. You are healing and learning to love yourself. and from that space you will love others. I'm so proud of you, for setting boundaries, treating yourself well and minimizing time with hurtful bullies. Dearest Krisen you are loved and adored. Life isn't always easy but we are managing. 

dear God 2 way prayer today June 5

Dear Dear God, I don’t know how to handle my mom, please help. I’m powerless over her and it drives me nuts, should I worry about her lack of response to my last email. Did I hurt her by not being loving enough dear God? I feel awful I feel so much pain. I just want to cry that I should feel so shitty based on her ups and downs dear God please show me the next right action. What do I do God. I just want to let go of her God and I don’t know what to do around her birthday, please help me God.

Dear God, I’m doing the right things for abstinence but I still feel so bloated and lonely and confused as ever, what the Fuck god. I feel so much turmoil about my mom and her upcoming birthday. She is not changing God, she is still the same tumultuous and wants love to come to her without doing any of the work for it. Hurt people hurt people what the fuck God. I feel like a moth to a flame to her. What about me God? WHAT ABOUT ME GOD?

My dear dear boy. Rest in peace my son. Rest in power my son . This is the hardest relationship that you will have to deal with , so much history and so much complex feelings. Be kind to yourself my son. You are not alone my boy, every person on earth has a mother and has gone through what you are going through. That’s 8 Billion people that has a mom of some kind of disfunction, you are not alone my boy. You got what you got. I so sorry little one, I feel your pain and I want you to know that this too shall pass. Allow yourself to feel the grief. I love you so very much and this will pass, it always passes. I love you so very much.

2 way prayer May 26th

Dear God, I feel scared today so very scared. I found a weird looking cist on my bicep and it’s scaring the fuck out of me because I’ve not had something like this happen to me. What do I do now God, is this the start of shitty health problems. I’m doing my best with my anger and rage God, I’m out there playing basketball, having fun, talking to peeps, please tell me what else you would like me to do. I’m really trying god, I want to give up my self reliance and I want to go to other reliance and you my loving God reliance. I’ve got so much hurt and wound and repressed anger, please tell me what you would have me be and do..

My dearest precious son of mine. I feel tears down my face. I don’t control outcomes my loved one, I do guide you to were you need to be, always, you are loved and adored and I can see more than most people can. I want you to know that you will be okay, you have life and you are learning to let things go, as painful as they may be. You shed some tears today for Kobe, who knows were and how it comes, embrace that my dear son. You are loved more than you know.

2 way prayer - May 25th today

 Dear God, I'm scared. I'm scared about my inability to do the IT work and get some additional work God. I'm scared about my spending on Crypto. Please let that be enough God. I'm already in Gold and I'm grateful for the lady to told me not to be so impulsive even though I did not listen to her and told her to watch her tone. I don't want to dip any more into my LOC. It's too impulsive for me and I'm a gambler's son and I know that it can become an obsession for me. God, what should I do about the taxes. Shall I call her and make a trip to toronto. It's such a fuckup and I'm scared of an audit because of the screwup in the 2020 returns filing.  
P.S. God, any ideas about eating away my loneliness.

My Dear Dear boy, my little one, special child of mine. Keep breathing, keep meditating. I'm so happy to see you're getting braver wearing your LGBTQ mask. It's such a pretty mask. Wear it proudly my boy. It's okay to be queer and sexually attrected to women. you are not a phony for not calling yourself Gay. Whatever works for you my boy. Please stay honest and true. Give the Uber eats a try son. Call Colin, he can help you. It's okay to try it for a couple hours at a time. As for the taxes my boy. Call her, set up an apointment. gather your documents and make a trip. We have the power. 

2 way prayer May 21st

 Dear God, Hi are you there. I am so happy I got up for this prayer meeting. What happened last night God, where were you? I had a second helping of food and I didn't think to call my friend from the food program, even then I comitted to call her. I feel shame today. The cravings are so intense god. I was so close to calling uber eats or going accross the street to the gas station. Why God, why god does it have to be so hard , such a struggle. I'm getting unwanted attention from Brian and Laura, please God, talk to their higher power, I don't want to hurt their feelings and it causes me angst. I'm aware and I won't flirt God. So much happening all the fucking time. Stop already...please?

God replies...

My dear dear Boy, you are heard, seen and loved. I am so so sorry that you are going through this, pick yourself up, dance, sing, smile..you have life today! If you need a release, shed a tear my boy, I know it's hard for you to cry but it's possible my boy, it's possible. One day, the flood gates will open, but till that time, a slow drip or two will do. The world is magnificent because you're in it! Don't foget to play today. it's Friday!!

2 way prayer past

Dear God thank you! Thank you for the willingness to do this meeting and for those who give wonder service. I feel sad that I got back in the food yesterday. Not a moment’s willingness to put it down or reach out for help. What the fuck? God I am so troubled and scared by my finances. This incompetent accountant is only making matters worse. Please take away my laziness re; work. I’m so isolated and I don’t want to get out there and look for consistent work. God please help me overcome this laziness and help me be willing to try different things for income.

God am I kidding myself with this IT freelancing. Why is it act I do so little billable work? Why am I so uninspired when it can pay me so well. Please help me with this God.

From God, HP Christ, Allah Buddha, love love love.

Dearest precious one, Breathe reengage your senses. You are doing great, what better way to reengage the senses that being at Nun’s island :). I’m so very proud that you are focusing on your health and that you cut your medication in half and that pleases me so very much. You want to feel again and you want to release through tears so very happy and heart warmed to hear that. You are so isolated and lonely my boy. I get it and you want to be around others. Relax my son, take a bubble bath. All this added fears and stress are old fears and not based on today’s reality. Get support for the compulsive spending, work with your FAA food sponsor and therapists and space out the therapy so that you can rely on your journaling and connection with God and your fellows. Your truly loved and adored my little one.

2 way prayer past

Dearest God, thank you for last night. It was nice to not eat junk, I ate a whole banana and a bit of yogurt which was fine. God thank you for that gift. I sometimes wish I connected to you more at night. Especially the the cravings are fast and furious. I am so happy that I have something to look forward to ie. jogging and playing basketball in the mornings. Its’ something I think about during the cravings and it helps me. P.S. I feel scared about getting back to the recruiter about the IT job. What am I getting myself into God?

Dearest precious son of mine… You’re welcome!! You are heard my little one and loved, so very loved. I get you, I feel you. It’s scary to get back into the work world, work can be an addiction for you, like Gaming. You are afraid little one so very afraid, remember you don’t have to do anything alone anymore! You are free to do things, you are free to fail at things, you’ve never gotten fired , and you’ve just quit before you would. And that is okay. We can handle rejection togtether. You didn’t fall apart when things didn’t go well after your first date. Guess what?! That was then and this is now. You are loved oh precious one, so very loved :)

Today's 2 way prayer

 Dearest god, thank you for last night, it was nice to not eat junk food. I ate a whole banana and a bit of yogurt which was fine. God thank you for that gift. I sometimes wish i connected to you more at night, especially when the cravings come fast and furious. I am so happy that I have something to look forward to, the jogging and plyaing basketball in the morning. It's something i think about during the cravings and it helps me. Anyway thank  you.  P.S. I fell scared about getting back to the recruiter about the IT job, what am i getting myself into God? 

Dearest precious  son of mine. You're welcome! You are heard my little one and loved, so very loved. I get you i feel you. It's scary to get back into the work world. work can be an addiction for you like Gaming ;) You are afraid. little one, so very afraid. remember you don't have to do anything alone anymore. you are free to try things and you are free to fail at things. you're never gotten fired,  you just quit before  you felt like you're getting fired . that is okay. We can handle rejection together. You didn't fall apart when things didn't go well on your 3rd date. guess what, that was then and this is now. You are loved , oh so very loved my little one.