Dear Dear Dearest God, loving HP and inner spirit, I had such an awful dream about my mom, we were fighting, running away from her and then at the very end, I was trying to get back in and she was ignoring my help that was really brutal God, dear God, I want to please with this by turning it over and trusting you. Rest in you love. I’m addicted to junk and I just want to stop God. I just want to fucking stop the destruction and the pain please God. I don’t know if I’m doing the right things. I don’t know what the future holds with me living here in montreal and struggling day by day just to get by. I am reaching out more god, I am asking for help but I keep living with the gloom of being so fucking fragile. So sensitive to the ups and downs of people and their treatment of me, it hurts god, why do I have to be so emotionally fragile god. Hurt by my sister ignoring me, hurt by Jonathon ACA member for ghosting me, hurt by the realtor in montreal who doesn’t respond to my emails. I feel pressure from Brian over sexual innuendos. Feel scared over condo sale and lack of showings. Feel scared about visiting family in toronto. Feel scared about seeing my mom and her being overly needy on me and me having a hard time letting go and wanting to rescue her and me feeling sad that she is lonely and hurting like me. I really want to put the life vest on me first dear god and give myself permission to let love into my life. Scared that I won’t be able to handle the IT job , scared that I won’t be able to handle the bingeing and using food to soothe the stress, fear and loneliness. Please God, take all this from me for today. I want to be a calm, loving , peaceful, joyful and happy person god. Not a miserable fuck who hates life and is not in touch with his playful , curious, vulnerable inner child. I want to be soft inside God not hard from repeated hurts and undealt with Grief. Please God, help me see the miracles in my life.
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