notes from anna therapy session friday

What did mom think of dad and what did dad think of mom?

Dad viewed her as a sexual object and someone he had control over. My mom put him on a pedestal and to this day wishes she was with him and didn’t let him go. Nasreen cried the day we got to my dad’s house because she understood my mom more.

What are my rules?

• don’t cheat, get a divorce , take a break in the relationship, I thought nasreen was going to cheat on me in a loveless relationship so I left . It’s the worst kind of abandonment that I don’t want to experience.
• people who love addicts should just leave. That means people should leave me , and I’m not worthy of love.
• you shouldn’t have a kid with a guy if you know you are gay, it’s not good for the kid.
• Be upfront, hey im queer and I believe in monogamy. I don’t like it when people hide it get someone to fall in love with them and then trap them.
• I prefer monogamy
• I need to leave before being cheated on
• I’m afraid of my attraction to macho (aggressive) guys because I’m afraid of of being raped.
• I’ve watched a couple of killing by self hatred gay guys who lured and killed gay guys in Canada.

We talked about getting rid of the couch, and I said that I would go to the one seater or even lie on on the floor. With my blanket

We talked about using the next 3 weeks to think about what kind of help I'd like in terms of a sex therapist, to look up different kinds of help around Intimacy with men.should I be watching gay porn instead of straight porn, gay romance movies. Need to be Like a late teens teenager who's Sexually curious and explorative and wants to take chances. I talked about how I really afraid of getting raped.

Anna said that that's probably like the worst case scenario.

I talked about how sick and tired I was of telling my story. And being attached to it. I talked about wanting to get the anger out, but to being too tired. When Anna suggested to challenge why I wanted to lie down I felt like I needed to be a good boy and defend not doing it and going for anger release instead. In reality when I’m triggered to my fright flight freeze fawn response, I should go with what’s soothing instead of trying exposure therapy. Else I will just soothe with food like I did on friday.

We talked about the... and and validated me in the, like the desire that I have. To be loved and to love and to have intimacy and how it’s so overwhelming .

I also talked about feeling excited and curious and scared and. dead about the whole process, like it just feels so overwhelming.I felt more scared than I let on. I was trying to put on a brave face when I was terrified of the process.

I talked about the addiction defining me.

notes from tuesdays therapy session

About Gurinder , anoop, chuck, mahesh cousin, Alex, Antonio I want more emotional support than they need from me and I get very angry and resentful when I don’t receive it from them.

• Its like going in very thirsty to someone who’s well is already empty.

Anoop wants to maintain the same relationship where I’m the needy one and he’s the mentor or taking care of me. He can’t handle us having a relationship as equals.

I was very angry about anoop and not understanding about my cat. Similar to Vash and isai, they see the fancy apartment and security and status as a sign of being okay. Vash and anoop are accountants and auditors and I see the similarity. I’m very grateful that anoop told me to invest in claude AI and gave me the money for a 1 year subscription. In that respect, he was serving as a mentor . Having used Claude gave me a new passion and zeal for work because its so good.

I posted my pride picture at the bar in Facebook and instagram. I was scared and anxious about the response , it’s the first time I’ve posted anything about my sexuality and I was afraid half the people will unfriend me (which will be a relief for me, because those aren’t the people I want in my circle) and there will be some ugly or nasty comments. I am just tired of being a phoney and unauthentic. Of having people who are not in my corner. Update on the post, 31 likes and loves, all the comments were really positive and supportive , people saying so nice to finally see my face. I felt self conscious about the people who only liked my post and not loved it. i felt especially self conscious about the gay men who liked my post because I am sure I am not doing enough to be out and proud.

I expect more from long term friendships that I’ve invested in. It really breaks my heart about Alex, and I realize that its not so much he’s changed but that I’ve changed, and I expect more reciprocity. 2 thoughts at once, yes Alex went to bat for me by getting me my first contract because he knew the owner. Yes Alex, met me in Rome and got an apartment and entertained me in 1997 . One of the best stopovers of my life before going to Isais wedding. Yes he helped me move out of the condo that nasreen and I owned and he was supportive to me. 2 things can be true at once and it’s not enough. I was plenty there for him too. Listen to him talk for hours and hours.

Im tired of people being carless , I apologized to anoop the next day and I said I’m sorry I overreached and his response was “Don’t worry about me” like I don’t need the help.

I am not a saint, I do and say plenty of stupid and hurtful things and I see my part and make amends as quick as possible, that is what the 12 steps is all about. Clearing the wreckage of the past and doing daily inventories. Its hard work, but after 15 years, Its kind of engrained in me.

I love what I do and I’m good at it, it was so nice to be paid today by the therapist. It was a difficult account and it caused me a lot of frustration when I did the training. I feel bad about yelling in frustration to Allen the therapist owner, I wish I had stood up for myself first instead of just accepting what he said in the email and building up a resentment which came out in the training.

On Sunday I didn’t fawn to the rude waiter and I stood up for myself .

Role models for women, mom, isai, vash, nasreen. Mom and vash more masculine tendencies. Isai and gurinders wife , Joyce, strong intelligent women who chose dominant men and become submissive to them . Isai is breaking out of that by having 2 contracts essentially 2 full time jobs and is earning well.

Nasreen was sexually aggressive , when I told my father about it he was so interested and excited to hear it. It was one of the few times when I felt really bonded with him. Some stuff came up about my cousin mahesh, I remember being so dissapointed when I reconnected with my dad and he kept calling me Mahesh, I felt so jealous of mahesh. I still have some jealousy about him and how successful he is wife and kid and great job, building a lovely new house in Stockholm Sweden.

Comment about gurinder being able to handle 4 women and him having enough testerone, need to think about that some more , do I have some fear when women are equal or more powerful than men, do I like the isai and Joyce types rather than vash, I tend to feel very jealous about vash, she is a fantastic earner/ entrepreneur, she’s bold and agressive like my dad and she’s sexually bold too.

Just as a small percentage of people are queer in society , I believe that a majority of women are wired for the men protector in society that we evolved from over 200, 000 years and the last 200 years have been changes but nowhere nearly enough where I feel its only a minority of women who are not subservient.

My dad used to tell me just tell women what you want, they want the same that we want , just be honest with them. When I had liquid confidence with alcohol I would practise that theory and in so many times, I would get the opportunity to go further. Like the door was open but it would shut when they saw the sweetheart real me.

 

a letter to god this morning

 Dear God, fuck you God, I’m so very tired of needing you , trying to reach out to you. I’m so tired of going back into the food, day after day, night after night of being in this shit. It feels like fucking torture god. I hate ageing. I hate that I can rest and do well during the day only to fuck it up at night. So lonely, so tired, so desperate to get out of this. But I keep going back. 

Thank you HP for postponing my trip to Toronto and I’m glad I had the courage to ask Anoop to postpone. Yesterday I mailed the gift to my sister and I thought “ to get out of myself do things for others” I loved that. It worked! At night, I can’t do anything for myself except to go into distraction and numb out with food. So much pressure god, so much pressure. Debting, undearning, working non-stop, clutter, sloth. I am so exhausted. Speak you mother fucker. 

Sweet sweet sweet child, it’s okay . I’m sorry , im so very sorry my sweet boy it’s okay, I love you my sweetheart. Please hang in there and trust me. It’s no accident that you got of the hook for trip to Toronto and doing things out of obligation. I brought Ouliana into your field yesterday, bumping into her so you can get a clearer picture.  “Rejection is God’s Protection” 

Oh yeah, I’m so fucking tired of your bullshit, because all it seems is to isolate me and make bingeing my everything. Fuck you God. I just want to die, leave me the fuck alone!

Sweet sweet boy, you just gave Jean Luc a treat by feeding him by hand. Wasn’t that better than just putting it in a bowl and not connecting with him? Jean Luc seems to have his own rhythms . Sweet boy, you love your lattes and sitting in the coffee shop and it’s becoming expensive little boy, please moderate.

 Everything becomes an addiction god. I’m sad this guy in china goes twice a week to the coffee shop to do his work and buys a latte with a coupon for fucking $1.25 USD. And what the fuck is up with Gurinder and family coming to montreal. Why do people always invade my space God. I was also thinking about how I reconnected with habtom in Jamaica and it was so nice to have a friend focus on me the entire time and listen attentively. And the same time I thought about how I used to love that sugar cereal for breakfast , the highlights of my trip. 

Sweet boy, be gentle with yourself and I’m so so sorry that you feel like this today. Remember it’s post binge and that’s expected. Remember that you ave been under lots of pressure with work and trying to keep things afloat. There There kreesy boy, lil k, special K. There there my sweet boy, there there. It’s going to be OK. Trust me it’s going to be okay.  I know your fears my sweet boy and I’m proud of you for going grocery shopping yesterday for your smoothies and buying discount fish . You are trying to improve your nutrition my sweet boy, you are really trying. I love that you keep trying. I love your spirit, please don’t despair little one, trust me. I won’t let you down because you are the most important person in my life and I love and adore you my sweet boy. 

Okay I feel a little better and calmer now. Thank you for everything my sweet god. This felt forced.

Dearest sweet Krisen

Here you go my little boy. I’m so sorry my sweet boy. It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry you had those urges to buy and I hope it works out that you don’t have to deal with the return of the one you bought today. I know you’re excited about the MacBook Air. And I’m really sorry that you even bought that. I hope that you can return it, if you don’t feel good about it and like you’re spiritually aligned with it dear One.

Dear one, I know you feel intense fear about the meeting tomorrow and today you just want to binge and that’s okay. I love you as you are my dear sweet boy. It’s a ok. Please breathe. You did great today by reaching out to David and lady in OA Dublin and talking to chatGPT.

I’m sorry it’s so hard, I’m proud of you for making it here, even though you didn’t want to come, I’m proud of you for taking your medication, I’m proud of you for doing the meditation, and for the workout and for for making the breakfast and the smoothie shake. I’m so proud of you little one. I’m so proud of you little one, for switching the speakers and for getting rid of the ps4 and monitor, it’s okay little one. You are okay to do whatever you want little one, whatever makes you and lil k and big K and the critic and the parents and all the parts of you my sweet boy, I am so very glad you showed up my love. You are going to be so very okay. I’m okay my little one, and I truly love you with all my heart. Where is Marc tanous? I just don’t feel like waiting today. God I need some help please. I’m so bored and tired.

There’s this attractive girl, she’s so cute with her nail polish. I feel so inadequate. I’m such a girly man. It hurts me so much. I’m glad I knew Alecias name. It’s such a good trick.

I had bad sleep last night. God I just want to fuck, I just want to get over this fucking drought period. It’s okay to be attracted to who I am. It’s okay dear Krisen. I just want you to shine that love on yourself. You’re a beautiful boy, a beautiful man. And I love you so very much. It’s going to be okay little one. It’s going to be okay.

 

I’m listening to the trauma workbook.

Memory loss from Trauma

Stuffing down our feelings.

The trauma is not our fault. I guess I’m getting to know about myself.

Pretend it didn’t happen. 1

2 way prayer

I'm so very tired god of struggling with this disease and not getting it the solution. Please give me the desire and willingness to work this program hard, I am so unhappy with the way I look God. So very unhappy. 

Sweet child, breathe, it's okay. I'm here for you. I'm proud of you for not picking up last night and having a good night of abstinence. I'm proud of you for doing the work yesterday. Please little one do wash the dishes and record your hours for time spent on work. You are so worth it. You deserve to treat yourself with love and respect.  

I've wasted so much time in this addiction God. So much time I feel so sad that I've spent so many days alone and on the couch sick and feeling hopeless. I'm not sure what else you want me to do. 

Sweet sweet boy, I love you and it's going to be okay. You got help from unlikely people yesterday, they love you and want to help you. They want you to carry the message. Please do not despair my love, this is happening. Willingness and hope is coming. Keep shwoing up. You are so very loved

Depression and fatigue

 I feel depression rearing it's ugly head but more fatigue. I can still get pleasure in things and experiences but mostly i just want to lie down or watch a show and distract.  Things that are bothering me right now:

1. upoming trip to jamaica , don't want to go feeling like this and also worried about being teased for my weight gain. also having to buy a suit and pack when i really don't feel like doing this. 

2. invoicing and being so late and not being motivated to do work. 

3. taxes personal and corporate taxes

4. antonios upcoming birthday lunch on june 7th and mom's bday on june 8th , all feels so overwhelming right now. 

5. rodney coming for the grandprix and being in a position to have to see him when i don't really feel like it. 

6. really upset with God, having a hard time knowing when this will end, not wanting to binge, working on my steps instead of being so lazy and procrastinating it. being willing to call sponsor and just doing the right things for me. 

7. unwanted attention from women , it really annoys me. 

8. lack of sexual drive and inability to get intimacy .

9. figuring out sexuality or not figuring it out. 

10. just self compassion with myself for everything that's so fucking hard. everything. 

i'm doing the next right action, completing my census now. 

2 way prayer today

Dear Krisen, im so very proud of you going to the 2 way prayer and showing your face. 🫶🏽

HP I’ve gotten abstinent before please tell me what I need to do that is different this time!

I’ve moved away from you and I have a hard time accepting the supernatural part of you and Ive been a cynic with all the suffering in the world and most of all the suffering in me. I hate that I’ve chosen food to numb out and not deal with life and my feelings. I hate that I’ve become a shadow of myself , I look at these pictures and I can’t even remember who this kid is and how happy he was. I miss my dad. I’m so heartbroken that he died before I could have told him how much I adored him. I want to move back towards love and hope as a testament to your power. It’s the only way that makes sense for me now. I do not wish to throw the baby out with the bath water. And I do not want to continue living a closed miserable existence. Will you please help me and guide me to the path.

My dear sweet sweet Krisen, welcome back my son, it’s been way too long. Than k you for being honest with me. I want to meet you where you are at. I know this is hard and I know you are struggling and I want you to know that it’s going to be okay little one. My sweet sweet boy. You don’t have to hide form life anymore. I will help you little one. I will help you. Please listen to me, take my hand and let me lead you to the next right action my sweet.