Dear God, fuck you God, I’m so very tired of needing you , trying to reach out to you. I’m so tired of going back into the food, day after day, night after night of being in this shit. It feels like fucking torture god. I hate ageing. I hate that I can rest and do well during the day only to fuck it up at night. So lonely, so tired, so desperate to get out of this. But I keep going back.
Thank you HP for postponing my trip to Toronto and I’m glad I had the courage to ask Anoop to postpone. Yesterday I mailed the gift to my sister and I thought “ to get out of myself do things for others” I loved that. It worked! At night, I can’t do anything for myself except to go into distraction and numb out with food. So much pressure god, so much pressure. Debting, undearning, working non-stop, clutter, sloth. I am so exhausted. Speak you mother fucker.
Sweet sweet sweet child, it’s okay . I’m sorry , im so very sorry my sweet boy it’s okay, I love you my sweetheart. Please hang in there and trust me. It’s no accident that you got of the hook for trip to Toronto and doing things out of obligation. I brought Ouliana into your field yesterday, bumping into her so you can get a clearer picture. “Rejection is God’s Protection”
Oh yeah, I’m so fucking tired of your bullshit, because all it seems is to isolate me and make bingeing my everything. Fuck you God. I just want to die, leave me the fuck alone!
Sweet sweet boy, you just gave Jean Luc a treat by feeding him by hand. Wasn’t that better than just putting it in a bowl and not connecting with him? Jean Luc seems to have his own rhythms . Sweet boy, you love your lattes and sitting in the coffee shop and it’s becoming expensive little boy, please moderate.
Everything becomes an addiction god. I’m sad this guy in china goes twice a week to the coffee shop to do his work and buys a latte with a coupon for fucking $1.25 USD. And what the fuck is up with Gurinder and family coming to montreal. Why do people always invade my space God. I was also thinking about how I reconnected with habtom in Jamaica and it was so nice to have a friend focus on me the entire time and listen attentively. And the same time I thought about how I used to love that sugar cereal for breakfast , the highlights of my trip.
Sweet boy, be gentle with yourself and I’m so so sorry that you feel like this today. Remember it’s post binge and that’s expected. Remember that you ave been under lots of pressure with work and trying to keep things afloat. There There kreesy boy, lil k, special K. There there my sweet boy, there there. It’s going to be OK. Trust me it’s going to be okay. I know your fears my sweet boy and I’m proud of you for going grocery shopping yesterday for your smoothies and buying discount fish . You are trying to improve your nutrition my sweet boy, you are really trying. I love that you keep trying. I love your spirit, please don’t despair little one, trust me. I won’t let you down because you are the most important person in my life and I love and adore you my sweet boy.
Okay I feel a little better and calmer now. Thank you for everything my sweet god. This felt forced.
