Merry Christmas 2019 (expletives)

Ho HO HO fucking ho, merry fucking christmas. woke up to my needy mom coming to me and giiving me a gift of a shirtand then obsessing about how it wasn’t going to fit me until i got fucking fed up and tried it on to show her how negative her thinking is. I’m very very thankful to her and grateful that she shwoers me with these gifts, i wish that she would just love herself so that she doesn’t need so much of fucking external validation. I need to write in my journal os that i can read it right and this is how its going to go down. i’m trying a new trick, i’m writing it in paper and then i’m going to transcribe it. I miss you A. I miss your writing and your affection for me. even i it wasn’t enough i loved you A, i loved your deeply and I really feel the loss. I am filled with regret and remorse and my mind keeps going back to how it would have been different if i made different choices. i have so much anger and so much toxicity raging in my body. That’s okay i was vulnerable , i let my gaurds down for the first time in a long time and for that i’m truly happy about. i gave you my heart and so it is. ..i fucking feel like i got my heart ripped out and stomped on and so it is.

I’m moving to montreal, i’m so happy. yes i know i’m taking me with i know this and maybe it’s a geographical, but i do feel like i’m going into this eyes wide open. i know that i’m going to face difficult situations and move on. i keep seeing goggins, Don’t let life hijack my fucking brain. be a fucking warrior. Fuck you mom, Fuck your neediness fuck your mental ilness and fuck you being a hypercondriac and fuck you abandoning me and fuck you thumba for abandoning me as a child and all the years of therapy that I had to go through. fuck it all.

The rage comes and I sometimes feel like it’s okay i’ve got to feel the feelings, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the dissapoinment, everything, the shattered dreams, everything, i’ve got to feel it and move the fuck on.

I feel really good that this is going to be a normal christmas and that I helped bridged the path to see isai and mo and the rest of the family. I hate that I didn’t have parents most of the time to help me out. Little K, i promise you that we will have a good life together, i promise you that I’ll give you the love and attention you want and that i will make you feel loved and special. Don’t worry, everyting is going to be okay.

Relax Krisen

I took my mom shopping to Yorkdale mall. It was okay, my mom is lonely so she talks a lot, i see a lot of myself in her. same behaviour. Verbal diahera from a lack of companionship and too much in our heads. it hurts me just saying this. I’m afraid of me being like this when I’m 70, so lonely so misunderstood. So much resentment and so negative. So I called Guri, and it was good to chat with him instead of just texting. I was so scared to go to see isai’s and my anxiety was ratching up and I’m really glad I did because she invited uma also and that really made things so much better. i realy didn’t want to just drop in and see them and I prayed to my higher power and i decided to just go ahead and do it and it worked. Thank you God, thank you HP, thank you lil K.

Trip to Pittsburgh

I stayed in Pittsburgh from Dec 3rd to Dec 13th. It was an interesting time. I enjoyed catching up with my cousin Allen and I was so grateful to spend another week at his place after he left on his trip.  I stayed in downtown Pittsburgh and the time i had alone was great to relieve some of my anxiety about dealing with life in Toronto and an unhappy home life. It was also a good time to lick my wounds from an unrequited love breakup..i was really into her and she ended up viewing me as a friend. It hurts and still stings like a motherfucker. Of course I only think about the good things and put her up on a pedestal....but this is not what this post is about.
It's about discovering who the real me is, away from the pretense and people pleasing and sticking to norms. I really do miss my independence, i really couldn't do much in my cousin's place, i had to take care of his place. and I'm so used to putting the shackles on myself...be a good responsible boy and don't rock the boat...

Pictures say a thousand words. I got a tattoo, that was the highlight and oh so painful to get. I had a massage from a beautiful Chinese lady with a happy ending. I saw a hockey game. I went to an OA meeting and an ACA meeting. I worked out every day and got into a routine of drinking good green protein shakes which i've carried over and is the highlight of my morning. I got used to 5am wakeups and 5:30 workouts. Who is this Cat? I visited the Pittsburgh symphony for a rendition of Handel's messiah, i was moved at the Hallelujah chorus..wow! I talked to a beautiful but oh so mess up young lady at the ACA meeting. I took the bus to Target. I went to an amazing Church and listened to those incredible pipe organs, it stirred my soul.I stayed to talk with the pastor and introduced myself as being from Toronto, that was nice the people were friendly.  I went to see a mummy exhibit and the Pittsburgh Carnegie Science Center..that wasn't so cool but I enjoyed the robot demonstration, i loved how they had a robot consistently banking a basketball shot in every time.  I played air hockey with a robot arm..that was scary cool.  And such a lovely miniature train world. i visited the Pittsburgh market and gave a lot of money to Starbucks!

Trip to Manhattan

I spent a night and a day in Manhattan on Dec 14th. Courtesy of my friend Diana. Here are some pics.  It was a loooong drive from Pittsburgh to Manhattan about 8.5 hours in extreme rain. My little Honda held up well. I stayed at the upper West side, went to a Jewish diner and attended an OA meeting which was really cool. 

where i stayed in Manhattan.

selfie time

delicious breakfast at the Jewish diner. 

on exiting Manhattan, i came up a US destroyer which is now a museum.So much to do in Manhattan. 

The healing work that I'm doing on myself

I had to create a toolbox of strenghts so that When I’m feeling weak as I’m doing now, i can turn to this. I’ve slowly getting over A. I’ve been able to work on my sleep without the pills and I’ve changed my behaviour especially around keeping my comittments. I’ve been doing my tapping exercises and sitting with my feelings as much as I possibly can and I’ve been trying to name the hurts that I’m feeling. Like right now I’m upset at myself for trying to connect with the group when i’ve been silent on the group. and my silence speaks words. so i have to accept my side of the street and I have to maintain my boundary. it’s all been very confusing and Isai has maintained the contact with me when I’ve been slack. I forgive myself . I was weak on this boundary and I forgive myself. i am doing the absolute best i can . I am scared at the upcoming visit with Rodney and Isai and Mo and Nishal etc. I guess I will do my best. I’ve overcome a terrible depression and i put my best in the job that I had where i did manual work and i will continue to give my best and work hard, i’ts fucking hard sometimes and i slip and i’m compassionate with myself becuase this recovery work is not easy, it’s time consuming and noone in my family understand so I sometimes feel so alone and question why i’m doing what I’m doing. Some days I just want to hide under the covers and not deal with life. but most days I get up and keep going.

so for now, i’m most proud of my tatoo, the trip i made to pittsburgh and new york, how i’ve taken care of my body, how i overcame my fear of swimming and public speaking. How i’ve come to accept my leg as is and the fight i did to heal and get better. The boundaries i’ve set with my mom and the love and acceptance I show her as an aging person who is scared and also going through a difficult time. For the plans i make and the realization that I go for a theme, put in the effort and let the universe decide the outcome. That the acceptance there is no right or wrong decision, just a decision and i must adapt. That when I have a strong WHY, i can figure out the how. That I do my best to give back and stay in reality. That i’ve got realizations with myself of my emotional cup and what i’m able to give.

I’m most proud of the work i’ve done with Phil and my sponsors and that i’m able to progress with recovery and keep my commitments while working the 4th step in both programs. I’ts a shit ton of work and I’m also proud of the notes that I’ve made with my sessions with Phil, they’ve been immensely helpful to track my progress. I’m most proud that I can keep my commitments to others and that I’m getting better at not over-committing and being honest both with myself and others. I’m most proud of putting down the mask whenever I’m able to. and I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing to connect with and nuture my inner child and discover my loving inner parent.

I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing with david goggins and the relationship work.

Okay over and out.

feeling yucky today

I am feeling very low and tired today. Feeling the wave of sadness and I’ve done some inner child writing and I know that there is a lot of hurt and mistrust there. I read about my conversation with my ACA traveller about A. it’s so so difficult because I miss her, does she miss me , does she care about me, my ACA traveller said I was baited and then rejected and then abandoned. i guess she gave me the gift of letting me go, she is a terrible person.

I have to use the anger and pick myself up. She baited me and then chucked me and I feel awful about that. I am so lonely and love starved. It’s so much effort to get back on my feet to pick myself up when I feel like I’m starting over again, it’s so fucking hard.

I sometimes feel like i’m taking 4 steps back and 1 step foreward every fucking day.

Jerry Wise videos

There's an amazing therapist who has posted tons of videos ACOA related that are really helping me with my family enmeshment and trying to break the shackles of over relianceof my mom and sisters and their family. It's very painful and it causes me to go to my food addiction . Therapy with Phil is helping me greatly along with my ACA sponsor and step work and fellows and recently these Jerry Wise videos. Incredible .

https://youtu.be/2hCwuZ9_yx4

Abandonment to healing audiobook

Today is my dad's 73rd birthday. I feel sad about him. I've reconnected with my mom today, I feel good. I told her I'd be back next week. I'm listening to the Rage portion of abandonment recovery. it's after internalising which I felt a lot after the unrequited love with A. I feel like a piece of crap..and sometimes I feel so angry about the rejection. So much anger of being let go. I feel so much anger to her that she kept keeping me on as a friend for she was afraid of the abandonment..but toying with my fucking emotions. I don't care that I've done it in the past. Karma is just my way of rationalising it. I felt love for her and she left me. I was vulnerable with her and she left me anwayz. I really fucking hope that she sees how she enjoyed the rejection and how easy it was for her.

I also feel angry that she protected and guarded herself and I was the fucker that read too much into it. 

I'm off to get groceries now and then pack and then off to manhattan.

The book says I should watch for irritability and rage because I'm easily triggered. My amigdala is looking for emotional threats that reminds of the old trauma.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

feeling like absolute shit

It's tough today. I really really miss A. I feel terrible withdrawal and loneliness.

I talked to Phil and it seem like I'm grieving and I need to honour that as best as I can.

I printed out pictures of me and dad and my childhood, I looked happy and it was a moment in time. I feel sad for the lost years. And I feel sad for what could have been with A. I wonder if she feels as sad. I doubt it because she protected her heart and wasn't in love with me. I fucking hate that it was unrequited love. I feel so wounded when I think of her.

I've prayed a lot for her, I've asked God to give her strenght to face whatever life brings and to give her peace. I want the same for myself. I would like to experience healthy love, I don't even know what that is or if its even possible

I've had good experiences with the tatoo and the massage parlour.. I still have some assets that some women like.

I feel it so hard to put myself out there. Ive done truly amazing thigns here in pittsburgh and I'm really so very grateful for tears last night.

 

feelings

My cousin left today and I feel sad and relieved, because I can focus on my inner work and not have to people please. It was good to spend time with him, I love his consistency and I'm grateful that he's giving me his place to crash at. I still don't feel free, because there's some responsibility here and I just want to feel absolutely free like if I explore and things go south, it's only my thing just like I had with my condo. I guess I've always cared so much about what people thought about me. I couldn't imagine how the couple on my floor would yell and scream at each other and then be so loving. They were young and really didn't care..how many times did security come up…and they really didn't care. I envy that. I want to not care.

I've divested from my mom's credit card with my fido number and I really just fucking feel all the withdrawal from A. From my mom. It's getting much better with A, but last night I masturbated to the fantasy of her and that doesn't help. I like how Goggins, don't let your mind hijack your life.

Learning to live with my feeligns and know that they can't kill me. That's a real trip.

Truly fucking grateful to finally fucking finish the small ass account but oh how sweet it is to have done it myself. For that I'm extraordinarily grateful for. Now I can bill.

 

Settling in and bootcamp

It's been a cool couple of days. I don't relate much to my cousin anymore. I guess I never did, other than we have familiarity and respect. He's his dad and puts a lot of fucking pressure on himself. An undiagnosed exercise addict but that's his inventory. I appreciate his support and him letting me stay at his place. A. Comes into my mind all the fucking time..like waves. I keep berating myself for choosing someone so much younger but the idea of having a kid and insta family appealed to me with her. But so much like me fucking controlling and as Phil says I would be in bondage to her and live in fucking slavery. It's hard though I try to rationalise and justify how it was nothing, how it was unrequited love and the truth is she fucking rejected me so many times. But really she chose me, just like fucking Nasreen chose me and the German girl chose me and Ira chose me, I've not pursued people I've not cchosen and I want to choose. I don't want to be chosen. It's not that I was lazy it's that I was terrified of rejection and as Tony A says terror and fear follows me everywhere..its not my fault. It just is. And I like what fuck it says..we attach meaning to things and invite the suffering, rather than it just is. I don't fukcign know why I was so fucked over A, it just was. I don't fucking need to attach meaning to it..

I'm looking forward to the alone time and plotting the next move but first today I've got an OA meeting in pittsburg this morning. Really truly looking forward to this. Will write again shortly.

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Restless irritable and discontent

I'm packed up, have my gym clothes. I was so angry this morning..my mom has a way of getting in my skin and psychi. I'm fed up and frustrated to still be dealing with this fucking shit! I'm fucking 46 and with my mom the anxiety the irritation, the depression and the rage builds up. I'm tired of her, tired of her fucking cooking and I just want her to fucking leave me alone. She has become a miserable pathetic version of herself. If this is what aging is then please le me end it now..i don't want to fucking grow old like Merv and my mom and all the other emotionally damaged and needy fucks!

I scream in the car, I told A. and mom, fuck you guys for hurting me. I screamed at the top of my lungs and I hate doing that because it hurts my vocal cords.

Right now I'm off to the gym, and then church and then support group..and then volunteer...it's going to be a full day but I'm really looking forward to it! Looking forward to anoop and workout and getting some help with my database.god please help me forgive my mom and A. I want them to have the very best for their life and I want them to have serenity, peace, love and joy..may they want everything they have in their life. May they be blessed with abundance of spirit and get to Know you Lord..spirit of the universe. Jesus Allah buddah yajew. God please remove my selfishness, my resentments, and help me look at people with acceptance and love and compassion. God please help me be responsible for my life and help me heal my wounds so that I can truly love myself and others.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

phil session

I’m feeling pretty drained this morning. i’ve just completed my notes from the session with Phil. I’m scared about next moves. I’m really happy to have a bit of break. it’s been so tiring and stressful dealing with both my mom and the fallout from unrequited love with A. Agggghh, idon’t know whether i feel sad or angry or just numb. right now just numb. I did a bit of the tapping exercise and it helped but really i think i just wanted to stay in bed all day. And I didn’t have much of a workout so I don’t really feel good today. I’m heading to meet brother in law Alan and have lunch with him, looking forward to it. I spoke to my aunt and that really helped. It irritated me that she asked how I’m doing without really waiting for a response, i hate when people do that, if you really want to know how i’m doing fucking wait for an answer or give emotionally, not just fucking take.

I clearly have some anger work to do. maybe some yelling in the car.

Im off now to the greek area and I’m going to call P and find out how he’s doing.