Dream and Dear Krisen letter.

Dear Krisen, you are so very loved. I hope you know and believe that. I am so very sorry that things are so hard and feeling the feelings are so hard and that In essence you have given learning French and maybe montreal is not the right place for you. I’m so very sorry that everything feels so fucking hard right now. Do not despair my boy , rest in peace and rest knowing that things can get better.

Yesterday I had a dream that I needed surgery and couldn’t travel with anoop somewhere. I dreamt that one of the nurses gave me $300 and told me to go to a strip club. I went up there and ordered a coke and I sat at a table where people were making fun of gay guys but I did see some gay guys having sex. I felt so self conscious. It frustrates me that I’m so scared of the blowback of people having a problem with my sexuality. I’m frustrated that I look at so much straight porn. What’s going on there.

I looked up Nareen a lot, I was happy to see that maybe she was divorced, I was also angry, I felt a lot of anger towards her. Then I let go of the resentment by remembering she is a mother and she is probably trying her best to fend for her kids. I think my anger comes from the fact that she reminds me of my mom. She was doing public speaking and I know she really wanted to get good at that. Being a realtor is hard, it’s a sales job.

I’m super happy about 3 days of abstinence. And just a willingness to cook my own meals. Thank you OA/FAA/ACA/SLAA/DA it’s been so wonderful to focus on recovery and have some semblance of normality. I’m also extremely grateful that coffee shops have opened. That’s a huge relief. It’s so much better to work from here.

i dunno

Dear God, I am feeling mellow and chill. I have cut down on the meditation and prayer and it has been hurting me, I feel the effects spiritually, emotionally. Father I’m so hurt by peoples actions to me, when they don’t respond to me after I’ve sent them a message and we have a rapport. I know the wounds are deep and I feel the pain often and I just want to cut them off. Spending so much time to cultivate a relationship and then to cut them off. Please God help me with this, I feel like I will end up alone because I have such a hard time feeling disappointed and let down with people. How do I trust myself and be honest with people when there is so much fear of retaliation and ultimately being abandoned. So much passive aggression acting out, with people like Jeremy, Diana, Amy, it’s caused me so much grief. I’ve also had magical thinking and expecting them to read my mind. Just fucking tired of it.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, all is well. Trust the path I am making for you. Walk by that path. All these past hurts and doors closed are your chance to grieve little one. Let go of the shame and hurt my love, we need to cleanse them away. I am here for you. You have had so much repression of feelings my dear boy. So very much. You have had so much hurt my boy. It’s time to feel my love. It’s okay to feel all your feelings little one. We want you to know that you are so very loved and you will be comforted, heard and protected. We won’t let anyone hurt you anymore without our permission. Lots of love and hugs, God.

2 way prayer 🙏🏼

Dear dear sweet God, thank you thank you for letting things go so well yesterday and giving me guidance on the next right actions .thank you for having my mom come here and just show up, she helped alot. I realize that I could ask her for help even when I felt so much rage and resentment and Im glad I had you to turn to. I hate how I am when I feel so overwhelmed and anxious maybe I needed to do more prep work but I was so consumed by the fucking food and today for the first day I feel peace. please help me dear God I'm so tired of being in the fucking food and living in a state of depression and despair. I want to change god I want to let go and trust and do the next right action. Please dear God please help me. What do I do?