2 way prayer about Denis and PTSD.

Hi God, what an awful day, WTF God , do you love me? So much PTSD yesterday, I binged and thank you for being with me in the grocery story. I want comfort and love and all I know is the food, please help me. I can’t stand Denis. I’m so tired of the blaming and ridiculing God and I keep feeling less than when I’m in the food god, is that what it is, should I stop even trying , it’s terrible God, this self loathing and food bondage. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been doing this for so many years and I’’ve tried normal work and I always feel like I’m just dying slowly. I don’t know if I’m being too dramatic. I just don’t know what to do God, can you please please help me.

Dear precious boy, be well, be still, know that you are loved and adored. I am so sorry we are hurting my love. I heard you and felt your connection with me. It’s getting better my little one. We pounded the crap of the medicine ball , well done my boy . Please do remember that ‘hurt people hurt people. I’m so sorry about Denis my love. Give him a pass. This PTSD is not fun, I know God loves them too my boy, god loves Rena and Mellisa and anyone else who ignores you my boy because they are suffering from their own space. Send them love my boy and wish them well. We are here my boy, we love you so so much, you are adored so so much. Go forth my boy and dance in peace and tranquility.

2 way prayer from a previous night

Dear God, firstly thank you, thank you God for an abstinent night with the food, yippee kaya MF. I miss my mom God, absence makes the heart grow fonder, she stopped emailing me rather she didn’t respond to my last email. I’m so starved for companionship and I have to trust that my mom is now respecting my boundaries . Why is it so very hard God. I want to reach out to her but I’m afraid that If I do, I won’t be able to handle communication because I’m unable. I’m afraid at Geoff he went into a depression about his and I don’t know if he’s going to come out of it. Uggh I just want safety and stability with people god. I don’t want to be let down and hurt, dear God please help me.

My dear dear boy, chin up, hugs, cuddles, wipe away the tears, you’re reading a book on anger, its a different take from the 12 steps “ Anger is the dubious luxury of odinary men but with us it kills” It’s good to understand your anger my boy we will help you turn it acceptance.

I’m sorry you miss your mom, it’s okay my son, it’s okay. You can keep telling her how much you love her with you emails. She keep hinting at meeting you to give you your stuff. It’s okay.

Dear God, I’m grieving giving up women when I wear my pride mask.

My dear dear boy it’s not like it’s worked for you in the past when you didn’t wear a mask. It’s okay my boy start a profile, say you’re queer and see what happens. I’m sorry you live in a mostly binary world..it’s not really working for you is it my boy.

Dear God, its so so fucking hard God, went to get out and enjoy live , grab it by the balls and be happy and free. How do I do that when my heart is so heavy God and I keep getting into the food? Sob.

My dear dear boy, it’s okay it’s coming my Boy, please please trust us.

2 way prayer June 19th

Dear God, I felt so wounded yesterday when my cousin didn’t respond to me in the euro soccer group chat. I feel angry and I think he’s an asshole. How can I stop looking for love in all the wrong places God?

My Dear Dear boy, we are so so sorry that you had to experience that yesterday and in a group setting no less. Hurt people hurt people my boy. Your cousin has in the past shown he wanted attention and was competitive with you. It’s okay my dear boy, look at his loving side. We know your talent and your worth even if he doesn’t . Your cousin loves you and look at his personal loving email and where he sent you a pic of his dad. His dad, your uncle died when he was only 10. Move on my son, spread your energy and your love elsewhere. You are truly loved and adored by us Gods, we talk about you and celebrate you all the time. Go where you are celebrated by us son, not just where you are tolerated. Smile my boy, do the happy dance, you are alive and wonderful.

Dear God, I’m still troubled by mom this morning, she didn’t respond to my last email. Is she playing games God? I don’t know if the last time she didn’t respond to and see my email was a lie. Uggh, why don’t I trust her god. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has me by the balls and manipulating me with her silent treatment. What should I do god?

My dear dear boy. I’m so very sorry that you are so triggered and so vulnerable about communicating with mom. Hang in there my dear boy, we are all watching out for yours and mom’s best interest. You are fine and fierce my dear one. Lots of love, God.

June 14th 2 way prayer

HI God, what an awful day, WTF God, do you love me? So much PTSD. I binged, thank you for being with me in the grocery store. I want comfort and Love, and I realized how much I wanted that when I saw the attractive lady but I was dressed like a bum. It’s so very so very hard God. All I feel and know now is rejection. Please help me God, I can’t stand Denis. I’m so tired of the blaming and riduculing and I keep feeling less that. Am I in the wrong field God, is this what it is? Shall I stop even trying, it’s terrible God. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been doing this for so many years. I’ve tried manual work and this is a different type of stress and I always feel like I’m walking dead , like I’m just existing. I just don’t know what to do. Is a part time job at Bell an answer God. I was spurred to action by Denis and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing.

Dearest precious boy, be well you are so very loved my body , you are worthy and you are love. I am so very sorry we were hurting my love I heard you and I felt your connection with me. It’s getting better little one, we pounded the crap of the medicine ball and we shared at at the OA meeting. Well done my boy, hurt people hurt people, let’s keep letting it out. I’m sorry it’s so hard to trust people my boy. I’m sorry about Denis and the trauma you feel, PTSD is not fun!! God loves you my boy, we all love you. Rena has her struggles, Mellissa has her struggles, JJ has her struggles, Val has her struggles. All these people my son are hurting just like you, please give them a pass and find other trusted people. I know you felt abandoned and I’m sorry that they are not a priority in your life, it hurts my boy, it really hurts. You are not alone we love you, we are here for you my Love, we will help you take care of your little ones . Rest In Peace and power my dear sweet boy.

2 way Prayer June 12th

Hi God, thank you for a good day at work and thank you that this latest injury looks more like a muscle sprain than a tear. I was so scared and distraught when the injury happened God, Meric. Please help me do the right things to have the discipline to heal it. God I’m scared about the food last night. I was like an animal digging into the garbage from the leftover chips. I’m scared because I wanted a gargantium supply of chips and that cravings scared me. What do I do God, please tell me please help me.

Dearest precious Son, I ‘m sorry my boy I’m so sorry that you’re in pain and scared. Yes my son those were tough years for your last injury my boy. Get your yoga mat that you can carry and go to the gym boy, take it and stretch, stretch those sore muscles and stretch to become flexible. Make it comfortable son so that it becomes a habit. I will guide you to a good physio, just as you’ve been guided to a good mechanic. You are guided to the right people my boy when you turn to me. You have learned so much about taking care of you body all that pain was not in vain, see it rhymes :) pucker up young padiwan, we love you and we have this :)

About the food, step 1 my boy, step 1 , we keep waiting and waiting for you to take it we don’t want you to go down into the gutter, keep working my boy, do the work, the memories of this insidious disease will come and we shall see how much damage that first bite or that behaviour does to our lives. Turn to me my son, trust and turn to me in duress. I will console you my little one.

2 way prayer June 1st prior to ACA LL call

 Dear God, What the Fuck Fuck?!?!

Dearest boy, my little bloated munchkin, there are some rough days ahead for sleep and food hygiene. I'm so sorry my boy, I feel your pain around your belly and your bingeing, I'm so very sorry. Yesterday you had a better night with eating food and not junk. God bless you son, oops I guess that's me :) lol

You get relief in the form of humour little one. keep laughing and crying and smiling and yelling , let it out boy, embrace your child self your 2 year old. embrace them, they are real with their feelings, it is not muted little one, embrace ALL your feelings. What a blessing to hear from these people who open your eyes to what a life could be. I'll be with you my little one, you don't have to do this on your own, we are here everywhere and always and love you so very deeply. Hug yourself today little one, you are adored ❤️

sleep today morning June 2nd

 Sleep today. I woke up at 4:50, i stayed in bed till then. I woke up earlier at 1:30 and at 3:30 i think but i stayed in bed. I don't know how much continous sleep i got but I had some worries and I'm goign to keep a pencil and notepad on my bedside to write down ideas. 

i watched shows on ipad the whole night, did not read and it kept me up till late. I also napped yesterday for about 30-60 mins, I'm not sure how long.