begging God for next right action

Dear God, here I am , are you there. Please god, I need help with abstinence and I’d like to take it meal by meal. With life in between. I feel so overwhelmed god, thank you for the condo and the mortgage and all the good things that have happened as a result, I’m truly grateful for the opportunity. I honestly can’t believe this went through. Dear God, I’m grateful for the sleep and getting up and staying with OA and program. I’m grateful for having my friend to share with how I felt so fukcing iolagted. Fuck you Bob, fuck you Joanna, for not wanting me fuck all of youz. Thank you god for Jonathan and sharing my heart out. I don’t know why everything is so fucking hard God. I’m willing to go against myself and put abstinence first. I’m willing god. I just don’t want to fucking die of diabetes and lose a limb or heart disease god. I just don’t know what the fuck you want from me god. it’s cruel to have so much hope and grandeur dreams and to fall on my ass wit this addiction what the fuck god. I don’t know I overfeel, I try to be the good guy to all and then I fucking get stomped on my heart. I just don’t know what the fuck you want from me for fucks sake. I just feel so alone and so much like a fucking loser. It sucks ass God, It really sucks ass.

2 way prayer

Dearest God, thank you for the strength and guidance to have a good food night. I was so ill after the last binge the night before. So very grateful to get back on track God. Thank you Thank you Thank yo. I’m so happy to have finally sent out the Christmas card to Reo. I’ll send more today. I am scared God about the finances and my debating. And my ability to earn and be stable. I want a productive life God. The world events are saddening me and make me apathetic. I don’t want to be apathetic god. I want to be stable and empowered to live a happy purposed filled life aligned with your will God. How do I make that happen. I am very tired of the binge cycle and the obsessive mind. Please God show me how to fill that God sized hole so I don’t go to compulsions/addictions.

Dearest Sweet boy of mine, love of my life. Breathe little one, it’s all going to be okay. I’m sorry for all the physical and emotional pain. It happens my boy, part of life and I will never abandon you my son. Breathe out fear, anxiety, depression, jealousy, hatred and breath in love, strength and bewilderment. You have the gift of life my boy, use it well. I’m so proud of you, we are so proud of you, paying your bills and taking the steps to live within your means. It will get better son. I promise you that it will. About your sister not messaging you, it’s okay my son. Send her love and light and move on. She will come around as they all have their own lives to manage with ups and downs. This too shall pass. I feel your hurt and I feel your pain. It’s okay to grieve the relationships that you lost or what you wanted and didn’t not get. It’s okay little one. It’s okay my love, your time is coming. Make that vision board and don’t be afraid to dream. You desires are being fulfilled, it’s all happening at the right time little one.

please help me god, i feel so sick and tired

Dearest God, thank you for helping me get through this difficult time. It’s been so very hard with the bronchitis and the food and the depression and the anger and the rage and the sadness that comes up with grief. I feel like an emotional mess all the fucking time. Will you please help me God. I’m tired of labels, so many years of I’m this and I’m that and I reject it all God for fuck’s sake, I’m not a robot.

My dearest sweet child. I feel your pain and I shed tears even when you can’t. I know what you have been through and I know how hard your try to be a loving responsible adult who struggles with being and acting in the world. Rest in my lap and bosom my little one. You are loved, cherished and adored. The answers are coming little one, they are coming. Please be patient. Keep dreaming, yes this is allowed and welcomed and urged. Keep laughing with little K and Knees, this is all happening wonderful and we are so thrilled.

Love God.

rantings with God

Dear God, I’m so tired of being sick, of being scared. Of feeling guilty and afraid all the fucking time, please help me get closer to you God. I don’t want to live another day of my life in fear. God, I’m upset at having to sell the stock, I don’t have a lot of energy dear god today, I still feel sick, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you know this, you are part of me. Thank you dear God for the resilience with food, it’s so fucking hard the cravings god. I feel so scared for Karla, please help her god, please have the right people show up for her. God, I just want to play out the next 33days the absolute best I can, I’m so very scared God. I need some help and I’m so bloody scared, will you please help me dear God. It’s all so overwhelming and I lost money and I’m so sad about that. Please dear God, I don’t want to fall flat on my arse, I’m trying my best but I need to turn this over to you God. I’m trying not to dip anymore into my line of credit, I know where this thinking leads me and I’m trying to live within my budget dear God. Thank you for the strength yesterday to respond to the email about work, God I feel so very sad for all in program who are in awful positions, me included God. I feel scared that the government is going to claw back the funding they gave to me and that’s okay God. I can’t live in fear, I’ve been running away too fucking much. I feel like the carpet is going to drop all the time, but I’m so grateful to have the support of sandy, and my sister who really lifts me up God. I hope that I can be okay God, I just want to live with peace today. Everything can be so hard at times. I only want to live in peace today God. Will you please help me just for this day God.

Dearest precious son, breathe, next right action, our debtors anonymous meeting, your al anon and mediations, I know it’s so hard son, you have limited energy today. You will recored your hours and you are going to pay your rent, just be at east my son, this will also pass. Just try to be at ease my son. Make an appointment with the mortgage specialist at CIBC and show him the plan. This will pass my son, this will pass.

Dear God, I feel so unvalidated in Al anon meeting today, I feel like I made a mistake sharing. I’m so tired god, I’m so tired, please help me with the next right action. I’m selling my stock to pay the rent and I feel like a fool. I have no more money coming in until I send this invoice today. Will you please guide me god please remove my pride, my laziness so that I can make money to live within my means. god. I’m so scared of getting sucked in. I’m so scared of being less than a man. I’m so scared god of everything. Prudent reserve and god will help me. Please remove the pride god, please help me with this.