today's ACA Journaling

It’s my 3rd day of abstinence from binge eating and I’m feeling really good today. It’s been a tough time with withdrawal and I need a lot of support at night and I’m trying to reach out for help but it’s hard to ask for help to trust that people can meet where i’m at without lecturing or shaming me. bascially people who are soft with the addict but hard on the disease. I am so hard on myself. I am so self shaming, self critical, self hating, so i don’t need that from someone else!!

I have a step study for ssexual anorexia in 45 mins. it can get tiring especially through the end of the chapter, it’s a lot of reading and intent sharing and listening. i will meet it where im at without pushing myself. After that it’s my depression and support group and it’s nice to be social. and then gym and then frank, it’s a lot of connection today. I really hope that i’m not overdoing it. i’m glad to get out though, going to the gym is nice and social and stress relieving for me. I want to do stuf that nourishes me and that doens’t take away from me. i’m still learning what that is, and i want to trust my intuition and instincts to let the things go that DONT nourish me. please i don’t have a lot of time to waste i just want to let this shit go.

It’s nice to write in pencil and paper. It flows better from brain to pencil to page. right now i’m transcribing on my mac , it’s nice cause i’m sitting on the couch doing this,so it feels very cool. and effortless. but it’s still hard to read my fucking writing, i wish i had the patience or rather developed the patience to write slowly and clearly but it’s too far gone. i know this and i don’t beat myself up over this. I’m feeling a bit raw. trying to sit with the feelings, mostly anger, sadness, resentment, overwhelemed, lonely. My sleep patterns are messed up. I’m mad at Frank, for always asking me for stuff and now I’m mad that I have to set this boundary with him. Tell him that you got to stop asking me to do stuff because I don’t want to take your calls. it’s important for me to not earn affection. Just call me because you geninuely want to talk to a friend and not because you need anything. I hate feeling used.

from the heart

 I am so upset at myself for giving into the food last night. I have so much anger in me today and I don,t know how to release it, so fucking tired of spending so much money on food. Want to love myself and not seek love and approval from others but I don't know how to and it's so very frustrating. i just can't do this. i feel like im unworthy of good things. i want to change the world and i have so much empathy for people on the streets, addicted homeless and suffering. I want to tone that down. i dont know why i keep going to the fucking food, i don't know why i feel so fucking empty inside. i just don't want to feel like this anymore. it's so fucking painful to work on myself so much and still fucking fail. I did a step study on my sexual anorexia in the morning , it's brillilant, deep stuff and I feel lucky to be able to do this with a fellow travller but boy it's so hard also because i had a friend come over and spilled my guts out to him about my sexuality, the religious persecution and constant rejection i experienced from my family. and little k, and Krees were so terrifed by this. I sent him and my cousin a message about my addiciton, depression and the struggles I have accepting my sexuality. right now there are about 2 men and 1 transgender woman who I trust and am learning to reveal all of me. Diane is very supportive. I just have to deal with prejudices and toxic masculinity, what does it mean to be a strong man. i don't think my gender or sexual preference defines that. I think my addiction and trauma has ravaged my life my defintion of self and self esteem. i,m so grateful that Ive managed to survive and WANT to live. i got a chance HP inspired to thank my psychiatrist who stood by me, gave me free samples for 6 months and put me on the right medication so that I level out and i don't feel the despair. Thats an awful awful place to be and my heart goes to myself for going thru that as well as to anyone else who suffers from that despair. Im just grateful that I had the willingness to get the help. I had to suspend my belief about OA and 12 step groups as the ONLY form of recvoery for eating disorder and spend time with a therapist that broke my bullimia patterns. a year of showing me scientifically how my body recovers just from food and moderate exercise like walking . and plotted over a graph over a year. Thats what it took, so it,s NOT once size fits all, recovery is a very personal process. I am so tired for looking to others for all the answers placing them on a pedestal and not trusting my HP my intuition and Trusting my inner kids andmyself. for doing the next right action for self care.