Dear God - on nightmare and wanting a partner

 Dear God, I'm so glad I woke up and it was just a dream. First, thank you for abstinence last night. I"m going to stay of the artificial sweeteners because the cravings are so strong. In my dream, i was so sad when i heard my mom passed and my sister and brother in law kept it from me until i got there and saw it on a paper. It was shocking for me. I know i'm in a grieving period for SO much, so much loss that it's in my body and it has to come out. God please help me shed tears. please guide me and show me the way. God I want a partner please , whats the point of doing all this work on myself and continuing to be alone?

My dear precious one. hello my son. Breath let it in my beautiful child. I'm sorry it hurts so much. The physical separation from mom was necessary so you could know where mom ends and you begin. I'm so sorry you had that dream and I know ho much it hurts little one. I see it in you, i see the pain in your face and it hurts me so. Come to me, stay with me. let me take away all of your burdens let me shower you with my loving presence. feel safe in me. you got good news yesterday for finances and I know that you're feeling like its not going to happen. Like you need to keep the hopes down so you will never have to be dissapointed again. isn't this the reason why you don't have a partner now, why you're too afraid to let people in so that you don't have to face dissapointment and hurt?  you can't be abandoned my child, you can be left but you will not be abandoned any more my love. rest in that, take comfort in that my love. It's okay my boy , trust , trust, trust in my me. Good things are coming if you work for it and you are my boy you are working for them. So let the good things come in, allow them in sone and trust. I love you so much. God

Letter to God this morning at OA 3am meeting.

 Dearest God, oh love of mine. it's so so hard. I'm so sad that I picked up the food yesterday. Please help me God. Please help me with the shame, please help me with my forgiveness and self compassion. Why God, why does it have to be so hard. I felt so low just before I went in to buy. I felt so worthless and scared. I'm so tired of visiting people and coming out of there scared, anxious, lonely and frightened. Did the half beer make it worse?? I'm so very tired of it. 

God: My dear dear dear boy. Breathe my boy, breath in my love and strength, unconditional it is. Firstly I am truly sorry that you are suffering. You are well my boy, we are well and I'm proud of you. All this work you're trying to do all the help you're trying to get all the reaching out and all the thinking, the fucking thinking can be exhausting at times. I see it and I hear you . Rest my son. you are human! I've got your back and trust me little one. TRUST ME! You don't have to do this all on your own! Give it to me boy. Give me your fears, youre loneliness, your desires, your dark thoughts, your embarrasing thoughts, your lust, give it all to me. You are not shame my son you are pure love and I love you so very much breat and know this. It's all going to be okay. 

Love God

notes from today's Margaret session

Margaret thinks it weird that my mom has still not communicated with me. I say that who knows what she’s going through , I have compassion for her but I have to stand up on my own 2 feet. And I continue to pray for her health, happiness and lots of love in her life. I can be devoid of any angry thoughts and show love and compassion. In the beginning it hurt but now I’m making peace with it.

We went through the 3 Bains. From frontal lobe, to emotional brain with the amygdala and then to the reptilian brain. Often I react out of fear, I’m in my emotional brain and my thinking brain is turned off or significantly dimmed. Like when I got the notice from industry canada about the taxes , I panicked and felt fear and then instructed my reptilian brain to act which made a poor choice of forming a new corporation. I could have gone for a walk, though about different scenarios, contacted my accountant and then waited for Monday. It wasn’t an emergency that had to happen right on that weekend.

Sometimes my reptilian brain dominates all other parts like if it truly is a life and death scenario. Like stepping in front of a car or someone shooting at me or if I’m about to fall of a cliff etc.

Another example is when upa died and I was in my emotional brain and I tried to book a ticket and I booked the wrong date. My thinking brain was turned off.

It’s important to operate in the middle of fight flight/ or freeze and depressed mode. i’ve got to take action to move the body to get out of the couch and also to act mindfully when my brain is going a 1000 miles a second. To regulate downwards. So I guess both regulating up and regulating down is needed.

Look up what colour is my parachute, I probably don’t want to invest more in IT training. What tasks do I like. Do I want to work sometimes with people. Do I like project management. AM I compulsive or reactive. Do I want indoor or outdoor work. See what I like about the Edmonton trip and journal about it. What don’t I like. I can find a job that meets most of what I like.

Do the cleaning and grooming for myself and it will help me with a partner. Because those things are important regardless if I’m alone or not.

Fill out the paperwork for the sound therapy.

God speaks

My dear dear boy, it’s okay my son, it’s okay. Rest In Peace, rest in power my little one. All the angels you’ve needed have shown up yesterday, haven’t they? Val helped you a lot with connection to the FAA program and abstinence. You gave really good service at the FAA meeting yesterday. And people like Jacqueline really responded to you, you are really finding your tribe of safe people. I’m sorry my boy, I know it’s really tough. This shit is not easy and I cry for this world. It’s so damage but there are people who are resisting! It’s possible. I marvel at humanity, It’s wonderful. That gives me hope to keep going my boy, to get behind you, to watch over you my love, to guide you. You are so worthy and so loved my son. Rest easy, know this my son. Love God.

dear God

Thank you for a peaceful night of abstinence. I stepped on the scale and I was shocked yesterday, I don’t remember being this heavy in such a long long time. Please help me God deal with the day and life on life terms. It’s so very hard God, everything is so very hard when I have to face it alone. I know that with you I have a chance. Thank you God.

A couple days later. Thank you God for the retrieval the last 2 days. God bless you and all the other Gods who watch over me and my loved ones and our fellow humans. I love you god. I love me. I am so so grateful for this little moment of peace. I feel so very sad about my mom. I understand that she loves me and is asserting her boundaries. God please give me strength to keep moving forward. Please bless mom abundantly God , please shower her with hope, abundance of love with self and others and the hope for romantic love. Please help her find peace and joy and serenity on a daily basis God, that is what I want for me. May I live with ease. Amen

I think no matter what I’m going to be okay. I’m willing to do the work today. I know that I don’t have the luxury of resentments, I need to accept others and myself as I am, I need to learn and stop stepping in the shit. That’s where the change comes in right, be willing to learn a new way of being and change. Set my boundaries, respect others boundaries, feel ALL my feelings, recognize when I’m sad, hurt , angry by others, it’s never just about them is it. What’s the root feeling, why is it so exaggerated?

I may get irritated by another’s neediness. But that’s just it isn’t it, I despise that in myself. I’m not willing to waste another minute, I’m just so very wary of time now, I’m so very wary of time now that I seem to have so little of it. I’m grateful to connect with the beautiful sensitive and kind women in the program today.

Today god said I’m fine as I am, God told me that I’m a loving and beautiful person and that I’m doing the absolute best I can. God told me to ask for my needs and not settle for less than that. Gold told me I have everything I need and I learned today to turn to them first and I will gladly receive help from those with skin on. There are many of us. I am so proud of the pool I started of playing basketball today, of walking by Tommy Thompson, of taking care of the birds, and making an executive call not to cover them due to the heat. Of fixing my car for the aircon and fixing it for the tire change. And fixing the side mirror and waiting out the warning lamp so that it was a non issue. And parking so that I don’t get a ticket, and giving the budgies food on time and opening the cage and closing it for them. For all this I’m truly grateful.

I really do miss my mom and I think it’s very sad that it’s come to this. I pray for her every day and I know that she loves me as I do her and prays for me also.