intense conversation with mom

It was really hard, I told her I hate she doesn’t see a therapist for her trauma. Then she tells me I’ve been seeing 1 for over 20 years and I’m still screwed up and it hasn’t helped me. She told me about the hurtful things I said, I told her she’s crazy, and I apologized for some of the things I said. I kept praying to god to not have this blow up with me leaving early just like last time when I left in anger. It was ugly , raw, scary and I told her I don’t want to play therapist. I’m tired of it. She said I should just go and this is it. Somehow I was able to calm thing down internally and then asked her if she wanted to go for coffee. And then we drove and it was nice. Disaster averted. I told her she wasn’t mentally stable during our childhood and I suffered from severe anxiety due to fear and authoritarian parenting. I’m so grateful we both didn’t take things too personally and we were able to calm things down. So hard, praying helped. Thank you God.

december 14th Journal

Hi had a bout of depression today. Just after lunch and I spent about 2.5 hours in bed, maybe slept for 1.5 hours.

Switching to decaf really helps.

Doing the OA meeting and sharing helped too at 3pm. It’s like a reset for me and I love that meeting during the weekdays.

I got to the gym , I was really sparked because of the Stephen fry depression documentary to keep track of the day and the mood swings etc.

Played some video games between 4pm-5pm. Practiced the self compassion.

I’m going to have way more books than I’ll read, more games than I’ll ever be able to play. And I know I’ll have a hard time of letting that stuff go and it’s okay, I’m going to accept that.

Listened to some Claudia black ACA stuff and it was nice , I was in between 2 very attractive women in shorts showing their butts and I couldn’t focus. I was horny and hungry. I guess that is the consequence of getting off the meds.

The depression scares me I couldn’t take calls but watching the Stephen fry and one of the ladies who couldn’t’ take calls and be with friends made me feel good about myself. But I was jealous that she was keeping a relationship and two day a week job, it is what it is I guess.

She ended up having breast cancer and she was very close to her mom they were going to the zoo, I sometimes wonder if my mom will have to take care of me . It’s scary I’m not getting financial support from the government and grateful to get it from my sister Vash and isai and rodney and mom help a ton financially, grateful.

Okay that’s it, I want to finish that documentary tomorrow.

Swaraj wasn’t herself when she texted, distant and I called her and expressed concern, she said don’t worry about her she is fine. And I will spend some time with her on saturday.

Over and out