2 way prayer today

Dear God, thank you for a night of abstinence. I didn’t think I was going to make it, the cravings were so strong and thank you for the idea of going to the gym to relieve the intense anxiety. I needed to get rid of the excess adrenaline. Yikes god, time is flying I know I shouldn’t focus on the future, bust be present. Boy is that hard to do god. I want to change my mom. I don’t want her to do all the self help work because I don’t believe it will heal her trauma. Please help me be open minded and willing not to judge her. I get angry God because of the enmeshment. I don’t want her to put her stuff on me. I don’t have the energy god. I guess frankly I don’t trust her. It’s making me realize how I try to push my stuff on to others when all I need is to live well. Arggh 12 step and evangelizing. Please help me God, Please help me have an open mind.

Dearest precious child, breathe my son 4-4-6, you know the drill. I’m sorry precious one about the extreme anxiety. It will pass my boy, It has done so before. My job is to help you to see the Good in every situation. It’s not a fucking lesson. [I don’t wish this on anyone.] you are loved my boy. You only have to do this for you my boy, self care, self protection, boundaries, respect self and others. And for my sake no more automatic sorries. Let your sorry mean something. And you are not broken my child, you are a gift and I love you so much so very much.

2 way prayer today.

 Dear God, thank you for last night abstinence. Glad to snack on protein instead of the penauts and chips. Slowly but Surely right God? Dear God, i feel so inadequate and am struggling with getting older and wanting to surround myself with younger people. Am I in denial God? It's really awful that I don't have close friends my age. I feel so lonely all the time. I'm drawn to romance stories and shows and all i do is compare how i don't have that in my life and it's so painful dear God. I'd like a sign please dear God. Please help me God. What is my path? Surely it must be better than wasting the days in isolation and addiction.

Dearest sweet boy, hello my love. Today is monday and it's going to be difficult to put your mind back to work mode. it's okay my boy. Call your sponsor Gary today and make some OA outreadch calls. Remember my boy, people in this program want you to succed and live your best life. The ones your chose are safe dear boy. I know a lot will come up leading to thanksgiving and your sister coming to montreal. It's okay my child, you are love love loved. Do not despair, This too shall pass my dear son. I love you. 

Notes from Margaret session.

 Notes from Margaret session

Get away from my pathologies ( i have mental illness etc.) build skills to be more assertive to be less trusting and more discerning and to protect myself with people and relationships.

When faced with bullies or difficult people. You know what, I’m going to have to get back to ou. 

I need to think about it, i can hear your reasons but I don’t have to give you an answer now. I can be vague, that’s kind of interesting, i guess we should look at that. More of a politician. 

Avoid you me or I , don’t personalize it, make it about best practices etc. 

Look at a picture that doesn’t change, sit up when listening to the inner ear training. 

On feelings , Leonard Cohen song: I don’t trust my inner feelings, feelings come and go .

On why I’m into dark stuff. I’m more into understanding the pathology and it doesn’t really mean anything. In another profession maybe I’m a therapist. 

2 way prayer on Election day

 Dear God, that was so soul crushing why God is it so hard to put the fucking food down≥ I don’t blame you. Yesterday ou helped me in the store buy something that was okay. I had binged eaten earlier in the day and you led me to a healthier choice so thank you God. The loneliness is crushing God. What an existence i don’t know if i want to live sometimes. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I watched the guy from the up series the one that had mental health issues and it was so very hard to watch. His life was so hard but he didn’t give up. I found it so sad that he had the depression and the brooding moods and still his wife left him, how is someone going to live with me. How god please tell me. All i do is medicate to calm myself down and it’s so fucking hard God. So very fucking hard. So many people have let me down by not replying God, i feel like such a child. So much shitty shame, will my life ever be better God. Is this all there is?

Dearest sweetheart, i love you my dear you are so worthy of my everlasting love. I am so thrilled that you are making this conscious contact with you my love. I am so very sorry that you are going through such a stressful time and the anxiety is coming back up. I am so very sorry my dear boy. I want you to know that I’m here for you, i love you so very much and I will ALWAYS guide you to your next right outcome. Feel all your feelings my love even the despair. It’s okay my love. You can be your true self around me my love you don’t have to pretend to be anything but your true loving self. 

Love always,

God. 

My 2 way prayer writing

 Dearest God, please help me. I had a horrible day yesterday hungover spont mostly in bed, why dear God. why does it have to be so very hard. Why do people take so long to respond to me and why i so shame based God? It's like i expect to be dissapointed and let down. and I don't like myself so how the hell can people like me. My mom is so lonely and sad God and so very needy, i feel so trapped God. It's so unfair and so sad to have this guilt consume me. 

2 way prayer today

 Dear God, thank you, thank you so so much. It hurt so much last night it was so very painful God. Please help me with life please help me stay in the moment God. Please help me heal. it's so very very hard God. I want love, sex, companionship. I feel so very deeply deprived of it. Last night I called out to Nasreen and remembered how we cuddled in bed, i miss that so much, i miss the lust.

The cravings are fucking intense God, you know. I just don't know if it will go away the loneliness and despair god and the the powerlessness, hopeless feeling. sometimes I say I want to die, please just kill me God. I don't want to feel this continuous pain every fucking night. Please give me the next right action dear God. With love, Krisen. 

My dearest son of mine my joy and bliss how i love these so so much. I'm very sorry you are suffering my son. My heart bleeds and I'm god and I also feel helpless when i see you suffer my dear child.. So powerless to help you. let me help you son , let me guide  you.  that's all i can do, i don't control outcomes but I can and will guide you my dear son. Please follow my lead my boy. Place your trust in me one step, one day, one moment at a time. one foot at a time, one finger at a time one breath at a time. let go my dear son and fall into my lap. I know it's so very hard to let go and trust when you've had to work so very fucking hard to keep things together. We are here for you my boy, we will help you my boy, you are truly loved. 

Rest easy my love, all will be revealed, the next right path will be shown. I love you so so very much, you are well my boy, you are well.