Merry Christmas 2019 (expletives)

Ho HO HO fucking ho, merry fucking christmas. woke up to my needy mom coming to me and giiving me a gift of a shirtand then obsessing about how it wasn’t going to fit me until i got fucking fed up and tried it on to show her how negative her thinking is. I’m very very thankful to her and grateful that she shwoers me with these gifts, i wish that she would just love herself so that she doesn’t need so much of fucking external validation. I need to write in my journal os that i can read it right and this is how its going to go down. i’m trying a new trick, i’m writing it in paper and then i’m going to transcribe it. I miss you A. I miss your writing and your affection for me. even i it wasn’t enough i loved you A, i loved your deeply and I really feel the loss. I am filled with regret and remorse and my mind keeps going back to how it would have been different if i made different choices. i have so much anger and so much toxicity raging in my body. That’s okay i was vulnerable , i let my gaurds down for the first time in a long time and for that i’m truly happy about. i gave you my heart and so it is. ..i fucking feel like i got my heart ripped out and stomped on and so it is.

I’m moving to montreal, i’m so happy. yes i know i’m taking me with i know this and maybe it’s a geographical, but i do feel like i’m going into this eyes wide open. i know that i’m going to face difficult situations and move on. i keep seeing goggins, Don’t let life hijack my fucking brain. be a fucking warrior. Fuck you mom, Fuck your neediness fuck your mental ilness and fuck you being a hypercondriac and fuck you abandoning me and fuck you thumba for abandoning me as a child and all the years of therapy that I had to go through. fuck it all.

The rage comes and I sometimes feel like it’s okay i’ve got to feel the feelings, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the dissapoinment, everything, the shattered dreams, everything, i’ve got to feel it and move the fuck on.

I feel really good that this is going to be a normal christmas and that I helped bridged the path to see isai and mo and the rest of the family. I hate that I didn’t have parents most of the time to help me out. Little K, i promise you that we will have a good life together, i promise you that I’ll give you the love and attention you want and that i will make you feel loved and special. Don’t worry, everyting is going to be okay.

Relax Krisen

I took my mom shopping to Yorkdale mall. It was okay, my mom is lonely so she talks a lot, i see a lot of myself in her. same behaviour. Verbal diahera from a lack of companionship and too much in our heads. it hurts me just saying this. I’m afraid of me being like this when I’m 70, so lonely so misunderstood. So much resentment and so negative. So I called Guri, and it was good to chat with him instead of just texting. I was so scared to go to see isai’s and my anxiety was ratching up and I’m really glad I did because she invited uma also and that really made things so much better. i realy didn’t want to just drop in and see them and I prayed to my higher power and i decided to just go ahead and do it and it worked. Thank you God, thank you HP, thank you lil K.

Trip to Pittsburgh

I stayed in Pittsburgh from Dec 3rd to Dec 13th. It was an interesting time. I enjoyed catching up with my cousin Allen and I was so grateful to spend another week at his place after he left on his trip.  I stayed in downtown Pittsburgh and the time i had alone was great to relieve some of my anxiety about dealing with life in Toronto and an unhappy home life. It was also a good time to lick my wounds from an unrequited love breakup..i was really into her and she ended up viewing me as a friend. It hurts and still stings like a motherfucker. Of course I only think about the good things and put her up on a pedestal....but this is not what this post is about.
It's about discovering who the real me is, away from the pretense and people pleasing and sticking to norms. I really do miss my independence, i really couldn't do much in my cousin's place, i had to take care of his place. and I'm so used to putting the shackles on myself...be a good responsible boy and don't rock the boat...

Pictures say a thousand words. I got a tattoo, that was the highlight and oh so painful to get. I had a massage from a beautiful Chinese lady with a happy ending. I saw a hockey game. I went to an OA meeting and an ACA meeting. I worked out every day and got into a routine of drinking good green protein shakes which i've carried over and is the highlight of my morning. I got used to 5am wakeups and 5:30 workouts. Who is this Cat? I visited the Pittsburgh symphony for a rendition of Handel's messiah, i was moved at the Hallelujah chorus..wow! I talked to a beautiful but oh so mess up young lady at the ACA meeting. I took the bus to Target. I went to an amazing Church and listened to those incredible pipe organs, it stirred my soul.I stayed to talk with the pastor and introduced myself as being from Toronto, that was nice the people were friendly.  I went to see a mummy exhibit and the Pittsburgh Carnegie Science Center..that wasn't so cool but I enjoyed the robot demonstration, i loved how they had a robot consistently banking a basketball shot in every time.  I played air hockey with a robot arm..that was scary cool.  And such a lovely miniature train world. i visited the Pittsburgh market and gave a lot of money to Starbucks!

Trip to Manhattan

I spent a night and a day in Manhattan on Dec 14th. Courtesy of my friend Diana. Here are some pics.  It was a loooong drive from Pittsburgh to Manhattan about 8.5 hours in extreme rain. My little Honda held up well. I stayed at the upper West side, went to a Jewish diner and attended an OA meeting which was really cool. 

where i stayed in Manhattan.

selfie time

delicious breakfast at the Jewish diner. 

on exiting Manhattan, i came up a US destroyer which is now a museum.So much to do in Manhattan. 

The healing work that I'm doing on myself

I had to create a toolbox of strenghts so that When I’m feeling weak as I’m doing now, i can turn to this. I’ve slowly getting over A. I’ve been able to work on my sleep without the pills and I’ve changed my behaviour especially around keeping my comittments. I’ve been doing my tapping exercises and sitting with my feelings as much as I possibly can and I’ve been trying to name the hurts that I’m feeling. Like right now I’m upset at myself for trying to connect with the group when i’ve been silent on the group. and my silence speaks words. so i have to accept my side of the street and I have to maintain my boundary. it’s all been very confusing and Isai has maintained the contact with me when I’ve been slack. I forgive myself . I was weak on this boundary and I forgive myself. i am doing the absolute best i can . I am scared at the upcoming visit with Rodney and Isai and Mo and Nishal etc. I guess I will do my best. I’ve overcome a terrible depression and i put my best in the job that I had where i did manual work and i will continue to give my best and work hard, i’ts fucking hard sometimes and i slip and i’m compassionate with myself becuase this recovery work is not easy, it’s time consuming and noone in my family understand so I sometimes feel so alone and question why i’m doing what I’m doing. Some days I just want to hide under the covers and not deal with life. but most days I get up and keep going.

so for now, i’m most proud of my tatoo, the trip i made to pittsburgh and new york, how i’ve taken care of my body, how i overcame my fear of swimming and public speaking. How i’ve come to accept my leg as is and the fight i did to heal and get better. The boundaries i’ve set with my mom and the love and acceptance I show her as an aging person who is scared and also going through a difficult time. For the plans i make and the realization that I go for a theme, put in the effort and let the universe decide the outcome. That the acceptance there is no right or wrong decision, just a decision and i must adapt. That when I have a strong WHY, i can figure out the how. That I do my best to give back and stay in reality. That i’ve got realizations with myself of my emotional cup and what i’m able to give.

I’m most proud of the work i’ve done with Phil and my sponsors and that i’m able to progress with recovery and keep my commitments while working the 4th step in both programs. I’ts a shit ton of work and I’m also proud of the notes that I’ve made with my sessions with Phil, they’ve been immensely helpful to track my progress. I’m most proud that I can keep my commitments to others and that I’m getting better at not over-committing and being honest both with myself and others. I’m most proud of putting down the mask whenever I’m able to. and I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing to connect with and nuture my inner child and discover my loving inner parent.

I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing with david goggins and the relationship work.

Okay over and out.

feeling yucky today

I am feeling very low and tired today. Feeling the wave of sadness and I’ve done some inner child writing and I know that there is a lot of hurt and mistrust there. I read about my conversation with my ACA traveller about A. it’s so so difficult because I miss her, does she miss me , does she care about me, my ACA traveller said I was baited and then rejected and then abandoned. i guess she gave me the gift of letting me go, she is a terrible person.

I have to use the anger and pick myself up. She baited me and then chucked me and I feel awful about that. I am so lonely and love starved. It’s so much effort to get back on my feet to pick myself up when I feel like I’m starting over again, it’s so fucking hard.

I sometimes feel like i’m taking 4 steps back and 1 step foreward every fucking day.

Jerry Wise videos

There's an amazing therapist who has posted tons of videos ACOA related that are really helping me with my family enmeshment and trying to break the shackles of over relianceof my mom and sisters and their family. It's very painful and it causes me to go to my food addiction . Therapy with Phil is helping me greatly along with my ACA sponsor and step work and fellows and recently these Jerry Wise videos. Incredible .

https://youtu.be/2hCwuZ9_yx4

Abandonment to healing audiobook

Today is my dad's 73rd birthday. I feel sad about him. I've reconnected with my mom today, I feel good. I told her I'd be back next week. I'm listening to the Rage portion of abandonment recovery. it's after internalising which I felt a lot after the unrequited love with A. I feel like a piece of crap..and sometimes I feel so angry about the rejection. So much anger of being let go. I feel so much anger to her that she kept keeping me on as a friend for she was afraid of the abandonment..but toying with my fucking emotions. I don't care that I've done it in the past. Karma is just my way of rationalising it. I felt love for her and she left me. I was vulnerable with her and she left me anwayz. I really fucking hope that she sees how she enjoyed the rejection and how easy it was for her.

I also feel angry that she protected and guarded herself and I was the fucker that read too much into it. 

I'm off to get groceries now and then pack and then off to manhattan.

The book says I should watch for irritability and rage because I'm easily triggered. My amigdala is looking for emotional threats that reminds of the old trauma.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

feeling like absolute shit

It's tough today. I really really miss A. I feel terrible withdrawal and loneliness.

I talked to Phil and it seem like I'm grieving and I need to honour that as best as I can.

I printed out pictures of me and dad and my childhood, I looked happy and it was a moment in time. I feel sad for the lost years. And I feel sad for what could have been with A. I wonder if she feels as sad. I doubt it because she protected her heart and wasn't in love with me. I fucking hate that it was unrequited love. I feel so wounded when I think of her.

I've prayed a lot for her, I've asked God to give her strenght to face whatever life brings and to give her peace. I want the same for myself. I would like to experience healthy love, I don't even know what that is or if its even possible

I've had good experiences with the tatoo and the massage parlour.. I still have some assets that some women like.

I feel it so hard to put myself out there. Ive done truly amazing thigns here in pittsburgh and I'm really so very grateful for tears last night.

 

feelings

My cousin left today and I feel sad and relieved, because I can focus on my inner work and not have to people please. It was good to spend time with him, I love his consistency and I'm grateful that he's giving me his place to crash at. I still don't feel free, because there's some responsibility here and I just want to feel absolutely free like if I explore and things go south, it's only my thing just like I had with my condo. I guess I've always cared so much about what people thought about me. I couldn't imagine how the couple on my floor would yell and scream at each other and then be so loving. They were young and really didn't care..how many times did security come up…and they really didn't care. I envy that. I want to not care.

I've divested from my mom's credit card with my fido number and I really just fucking feel all the withdrawal from A. From my mom. It's getting much better with A, but last night I masturbated to the fantasy of her and that doesn't help. I like how Goggins, don't let your mind hijack your life.

Learning to live with my feeligns and know that they can't kill me. That's a real trip.

Truly fucking grateful to finally fucking finish the small ass account but oh how sweet it is to have done it myself. For that I'm extraordinarily grateful for. Now I can bill.

 

Settling in and bootcamp

It's been a cool couple of days. I don't relate much to my cousin anymore. I guess I never did, other than we have familiarity and respect. He's his dad and puts a lot of fucking pressure on himself. An undiagnosed exercise addict but that's his inventory. I appreciate his support and him letting me stay at his place. A. Comes into my mind all the fucking time..like waves. I keep berating myself for choosing someone so much younger but the idea of having a kid and insta family appealed to me with her. But so much like me fucking controlling and as Phil says I would be in bondage to her and live in fucking slavery. It's hard though I try to rationalise and justify how it was nothing, how it was unrequited love and the truth is she fucking rejected me so many times. But really she chose me, just like fucking Nasreen chose me and the German girl chose me and Ira chose me, I've not pursued people I've not cchosen and I want to choose. I don't want to be chosen. It's not that I was lazy it's that I was terrified of rejection and as Tony A says terror and fear follows me everywhere..its not my fault. It just is. And I like what fuck it says..we attach meaning to things and invite the suffering, rather than it just is. I don't fukcign know why I was so fucked over A, it just was. I don't fucking need to attach meaning to it..

I'm looking forward to the alone time and plotting the next move but first today I've got an OA meeting in pittsburg this morning. Really truly looking forward to this. Will write again shortly.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Restless irritable and discontent

I'm packed up, have my gym clothes. I was so angry this morning..my mom has a way of getting in my skin and psychi. I'm fed up and frustrated to still be dealing with this fucking shit! I'm fucking 46 and with my mom the anxiety the irritation, the depression and the rage builds up. I'm tired of her, tired of her fucking cooking and I just want her to fucking leave me alone. She has become a miserable pathetic version of herself. If this is what aging is then please le me end it now..i don't want to fucking grow old like Merv and my mom and all the other emotionally damaged and needy fucks!

I scream in the car, I told A. and mom, fuck you guys for hurting me. I screamed at the top of my lungs and I hate doing that because it hurts my vocal cords.

Right now I'm off to the gym, and then church and then support group..and then volunteer...it's going to be a full day but I'm really looking forward to it! Looking forward to anoop and workout and getting some help with my database.god please help me forgive my mom and A. I want them to have the very best for their life and I want them to have serenity, peace, love and joy..may they want everything they have in their life. May they be blessed with abundance of spirit and get to Know you Lord..spirit of the universe. Jesus Allah buddah yajew. God please remove my selfishness, my resentments, and help me look at people with acceptance and love and compassion. God please help me be responsible for my life and help me heal my wounds so that I can truly love myself and others.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

phil session

I’m feeling pretty drained this morning. i’ve just completed my notes from the session with Phil. I’m scared about next moves. I’m really happy to have a bit of break. it’s been so tiring and stressful dealing with both my mom and the fallout from unrequited love with A. Agggghh, idon’t know whether i feel sad or angry or just numb. right now just numb. I did a bit of the tapping exercise and it helped but really i think i just wanted to stay in bed all day. And I didn’t have much of a workout so I don’t really feel good today. I’m heading to meet brother in law Alan and have lunch with him, looking forward to it. I spoke to my aunt and that really helped. It irritated me that she asked how I’m doing without really waiting for a response, i hate when people do that, if you really want to know how i’m doing fucking wait for an answer or give emotionally, not just fucking take.

I clearly have some anger work to do. maybe some yelling in the car.

Im off now to the greek area and I’m going to call P and find out how he’s doing.

last day of November!!

I’m feeling more peaceful tonight. I’ve made a decision to get on with things, even if it’s very scary, i did some 4th step work and faced the resentments i was feeling. It’s hard, i’ve been very solitary with my mom and my feelings and sometimes i feel like i’m becoming my mom. Just spending soo much time in my head. I’m really glad i gave all the money to chuck, it makes me feel good to be a reliably friend. I shared at the OA meeting that my life is becoming so much better, I’m making plans and Im sticking to it, and today i went to the bathroom 3 times to pray and just ask my higher power for guidance for getting through this time. and it worked, i went through the breakfast without gossiping about Anybody, i faced my fears and my internal shame and I just had a good positive brekkie and I played with my nephew. So happy it went well. I also enjoyed the time with David, enjoyed the lunch and walk and chat, it was heartwarming to spend time with a good friend. I’ve lost so many relationships in recent time. I belive now that friendships are transitory as all of life is. Friends for a day, frineds for a season, friends for a lifetime. Who cares, I’m continually growning and my old friends don’t know how i’m growing, they just remember how i was. it’s nice to make new friends without bagage. my AA programming makes me think it’s all my fault and I’m just a bad abandoning friend, I guess that What Merv, told me..fucking Merv “Learn what true friendship is” Well thank you Merv, you jolted me to look at myself and be more realistic as to what I could give and how to avoid crazy fucks like you.

I’m off to visit my cousin in pittsburg in a few days, it will be a good trip for me. I’m really looking to get some time away from mom and have some space for myself. I’ve made some space for the sadness, and the waves of grief to come, I welcome the tears and i know it will come.

I’ve been looking at my age and the things i do, the way I dress, i’m not really dressing or acting like a 46 year old. I really don’t know how i’m supposed to be. i think of how merv befriended me and that was always an issue becuase he was so clingy and i was 26 years younger than him i always brought that up, that he was trying to make friends with people younger than him, so that he could avoid the reality of hanging out with people his age. I feel like i’m doing the same, or maybe just emotionally, this where I’m at , i’m like a 35 year old emotionally in a 46 year old body, or maybe younger, that’s the thing with my wounded inner child that controls the show, i don’t know when I’m acting like a responsible adult or acting like a child. I really don’t know how all of this is supposed to work, i know that I’m supposed to connect with my inner child and deal with the problem (laundry list traits) by becoming my own loving parent to the repressed, abused and scared little Krisen.

Angry this morning

WTF..WTF..WTF

I'm angry that I felt for her needs and her demands and I abandoned my needs. I was played to be a fucking friend. And I'm fucking tired of that. My dad always said be direct, tell them what you want. I fucking played the pain all the way to a couple months and all I really had to do was walk away from a lousy hand. I'm not sure I needed that experience..and again needy women and not getting my needs met and accepting so little for myself.

I'm packing now and my mom is really irittating me with her neediness and phantom ilnesses. I don't doubt it's stressful for her but all I'm really doing now Is feeling my feelings and not ‎spending time paying attention her feelings. I'm fucking tired. Fucking done. I'm 46 and I'm not wasting any more time. It's me and little Krisen..my inner child that's been abandoned for so long and lived in terror and shame and guilt for so fucking long. I know why my anxiety and PTSD was brought on, by this fucking bitch of my mother who doesn't own up to her fucking emotional abuse of me. I know this mom is different, she's loving and kind and caring and so helpful to me. Especially when I was in dire need this past year but it's not necessary now. I can stand on my own two feet. The only way I can heal myself and this relationship with my inner child. I've been digging up the trauma and it's been revealing and horrible. I get validation from my sponsor and therapist. There were tons of happy moments and that's kept me fucking alive. I'll do that inventory also. Anyway peace out folks. I'm off to the gym

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Feeling sad and empty today

I did some productive steps to work today on both accounts. I rested and I went and enjoyed the gym. I do feel very sad though and I know it's my broken heart..who knew unrequited love could be so hard to deal with. My aca friend said it likes withdrawal from heroin. ‎I deleted all of A.'s emails and texts..well really I deleted the last email I had from her. I'm a 46 year old sick puppy..and it scares me that I'm fucking approaching 50. But let's just take a year at a time. Now I lick my wounds and try to kill and last fantasy hopes and denial that I have, that she will love me romantically, that I could even go there, even though the desire and fantasy is so strong. I WANT the experience, I dunno if it's my inner kid that I'm confusing with my adult desire..it was so intoxicating getting a message from her. And I hate to keep looking at myself like this..its so fucking intense. 

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

love my psychiatrist

Dr R. Was so cool with me today. I joked about bumping into him a couple days in a row downtown. It was strange. He gave me samples of trintilex which costs $125 ..the most expensive for anti depressents . I have not felt depressed in a while and I'm truly grateful for my mom's support and all the people that supoortes me Dr. B, dr. S. My brother in law and sister. My true friends Chuck and habtom and bereket and simret and Perry and Shelly . All So dear to me.my sister vash.and isai sending me to cape Town. Rod for the consistency and pure heart. So many good people who came to my rescue. Angels that guided me along the way. I'm so very grateful .OA ..where I shared my despair. Just fucking awful and Merv the guy who i ended up fearing and was toxic for me as I was for him . Told me to get my ass to the hospital to get some medication. My friend Rena who ended up leaving me but blessed me with Phil and that fucker David who really helped me so very much as a therapist but became so money obsessed . Fuck you David. And dear Joe who listened toe share my despair often and just fucking listened . Thank you Joe. ♥️🐘

acceptance

And acceptance is the answer when I stopped living in the problem and lived in the solution the problem went away. It's like a drug the attachment withdrawal from A.

It's soo fucking healing to write about it and share it with a couple people . Here's a sad but real quote 

i miss you A

what am i afraid of?

I’m afraid of my mom’s retaliations when I tell her that I need to take a break from everyone.

I’m afraid of not being able to get a job

i’m afraid that my anxiety and insomnia will keep going on or get worse and afraid that it will interfere with my work

I’m afraid that I can’t support myself

i’m afraid that I’ll end up homeless

i’m afraid that i can’t finish the database and won’t be able to bill for the work done.

i’m afraid that I’m lying to myself and that i’m gay and that i won’t be able to turn over that corner

i’m afriad that If i’m gay then i’ll be ostracized and even killed liked in other countries that perpuate gay violence

i’m afraid that i’ll be alone for the rest of my life

i’m afriad of getting older

i’m afraid of my flatulance and potential partners being grossed out.

I’m afraid of R and him reacting badly when i say hi to him

I’m afrid of how R will react after i set my boundary with him.

I’m afraid of how my sister will react when I set my boundary about not gossiping about my mom.

I’m afraid that A will forget me and I’ll be heartbroken for a long time

I’m afraid that A will get a boyfriend soon and I’ll be heartbroken

I’m afraid that I’ll lose my abstinence

I’m afraid that I wont’ be able to set my boundaries with the lady in montreal and It will end up badly.

I’m afraid of facing the repressed grief that awaits me

I’m afraid of dying

I’m afraid of not being able to support myself and having to self my condo.

I’m afraid of not being afraid and continue to live out of fear.

I’m afraid of not being loved the way i want to, sexually and romantically and being able to trust a partner

I’m afraid of relationships ending and the pain they bring.

I’m afraid of facing the guy i was in love with and still carry a torch for and speaking to him over facetime.

I’m afraid of losing all my friends, and not being able to make and keep new friends and ending up alone.

Gratitude

Very very grateful to spend time with David and my church buddies and to sing and enjoy the service and to speak with my sponsor that was really good. 

For having delicious meals and a good workout today.  

For maintaining abstinence 

For keeping my work commitment 

For a lovely workout and spending time chatting with anoop

For a beautiful sunny day. 

For being able to do some service at church 

For.being able to help my.mom out

For helping a dear friend out. 

For building the muscle of doing whats necessary

For inspiring speakers like David goggins

For.OA and Aa

And all the people.who.do.service

For ACa to heal the fucking wounds of my childhood. 

For my brilliant Sponsors 

For my fellows in program who really fucking help me tremendously.  Joe, David, Luanne, Nick

For having a home to go to

For heat

For medication for sleep and.for depression

For abstinence from bingeing . 

Sent via BlackBerry Hub+ Inbox for Android

Fucking angry today

I woke up this morning after using food last night to deal with my horrible shame last night and the beer didn't help. I'm intolerant of alcohol it lowers my defence and drives me to the food. I'm upset with myself but I shared with my friend and I'll share with my sponsor and move the fuck on. I get no emotional sobriety and I have to deal with my social anxiety which sets my brain on a tangent. I got a nice Indian girls number, she's from South Africa 🇿🇦 but dang , so fucking conservative, I felt pressure from being alone with couples and being setup and wanting to please my mom. I have no intention of seeing this girl , I'm bisexual and I can't choose whom I love and that I'm attracted to men romantically and really just want to have sex with woman. I also discovered I have terrible woman phobia from the hurt and what I witnessed with my mom and sisters. I don't want to put anyone in a box but I need someone who's not in a box.
As for A. Fuck her. I kept feeling rejected and emotionally manipulated. I'm angry and I need to let it out. fuck you God, my HP loves me and I don't care if it's not G.O.D, so tired of all the pressure .

Wacky wild and upside down day

Hmmmm I'm not sure why I wanted to write today. I just felt like I needed to get my feelings to the surface. I feel loss and then I feel acceptance and then I feel bargaining and then I feel want and lust and I get aroused. My anxiety keeps flaring up. I am tryingy earnest to live in the moment but it's so hard sometimes.  I was inspired but the work I did. And I'm also learning to accept this quicker. Like maybe life is meant to be different and the little things that don't work make me interact with others. I really like that.mom asked me if I wanted help dancing and I said no. I really just want to take the time to go through my stuff I just wish that I could have the door opened when I do that but even still I need to accept that. Man I remember the days when I felt so ducking depressed. Just eating and sleeping. What a miserable time. And I would rage on my mom and she just took it and I feel bad and I'm trying to just change my behavior towards her. 

A. I accept that I will have conflicted emotions to you. I accept that It feels like it ended too soon. And I accept that it was unhealthy for me and it was better off if I could just be a friend. I accept that I said some lousy nasty things which I wish I could take back and I said those things out of anger. I will always feel completely lousy about leaving you emotionally. I said you need a loving and supportive friend and I couldn't be that. That is something that haunts me now. Phil said I'll be living in slavery to be with you. You made me realize that I've got to deal with my inner wounds and heal and love myself as a child of the universe just as any other. 

I so want the tears to come. I'm tired of trying sometimes just so much out there and I'm not sure what energy I'm putting out there. I feel like there can be some growth in this pain, I really do hope thats the case otherwise it's just so fucking pointless a life without romantic love. Tired of being a monk and stuck in my own head. 

I'm waiting for doctor Bruno now she is supposed to help me with the induction test I truly hope that it's just over and done with . I know that she's not going to find anything so I just don't want False hope. My day is pretty gentle today I really need to just get out of myself and just be with my feelings. I feel.Like I'm doing too much. 

I'm off to the Apple store to get my Mac fixed. Frustrated at stupid Apple. I upgraded the OS and the internet stopped working.. And then I tried to restore from the backup. And that failed.  Stupid stupid Apple.

Doctor Bruno was awesome ...she took a complete history and when I spoke about my childhood abandonment.. She asked why social services weren't called. That shocked me...um yeah we were lucky they weren't.  I hope nobody reads this except my trusted inner circle this is realfly to Mich for my family to handle. And I don't want to blame my parents because I'm truly grateful foe being born. 

Anyway same shit..it's a pain that apparently my Brain is magnifying. And it's a combo of exercise, stretching,  meds for sleep , CBT living environments, etc etc.

I met an awesome assistant Priya, she was so cool to talk to. The needles felt a bit like toture. And she turned it around. 

Writing this is so cathartic and I'm enjoying blogging my feelings. It's putting it out there and I know that at least one person is reading it.  

I went from intense sadness and dissapointment to feeling good. I'm talking through my feelings and letting it out through this medium. Thanks fuck!

struggling today - withdrawal

In addition to the feelings of dissapointment from my binge last night and shame and fear surrounding it, i have to just focus on my self care. i have these withdrawal pangs again, it’s feeling of intense sadness. I’m trying to just focus on the moment and can i not think about her for just this moment but it comes and I don’t have control over it. It’s like focus on the day rather than the rest of my life without her in my life. Fuuuck!

a binge last night

I’m not angry or raging on myself. i got the gift of a beautiful 50 days of abstinence and then I lost the desire to focus on my program and to make the connection with my higher power and food abstinece the most important thing in my llife. Maybe I need to take a break from the other programs and wait until my food abstinence is strong. I feel a little embarsment and shame but I kow that this is a lifelong program and I can take my time. the goal is serenity and higher power connection so that I can help me with my feelings which is so raw. Please HP , let me become teachable, help me dear Lord. I want to do your will, please let my will be allgned with yours. My Hp love me unconditaiolay and want’s my best interest at heart, I prodoundly know this.

gratitude today

- I’m grateful to be able to help mom today with her laptop

- to find the heart to agree to go with her to the SA diwali ball

- to survive these painful feelings of withdrawal from A

- to have Phil who helps me so very much and I learn so much about myself and get so much relief from our sessions

- For R, she introduced me to Phil

- For Joe, he’s been such an awesome friend, beyond words

- For the depression support group at Church

- For my sisters

- for my mom

- For knowing and loving my dad.

- for my winter boots

- for my business and my laptops

- for anoop and swiraj and being able to live with her and take a break from things

- for bereket and simret and the boys who love me and adopted me

- for Habtom and Alex and the love and familiarity that we show each other

- For the call from D today, she really lifted up my spirits when she said she cared about me.

- for D and his honesty, i’m very grateful to have supportive and honest program friends.

- for the food i have to eat.

- for ACA to show me the wounded inner child that is running the show. and giving me tools to fix the wounds.

- For OA, for the love in the rooms for the wisdom of the literature and for giving me a program to arrest my food addiction.

Another difficult day.

I woke up feeling very lonely and tired. Pining for A and missing her. Slowly coming to acceptance and I'm glad I have a program that teaches me a day at a time thinking. When I think about the future it scares me . I think only about her moving on and I know that this is mumy abandonment wounds and it's so painful.  Like their are times I just wish I won't ever be in a relationship and an unrequited love relationship is just as fucking painful. No poetry here I'm not a poet. But I write from my heart.at the gym now pulling some iron and removing some toxic energy

session with Phil

I had a really good session with Phil today. I pounded the couch so much and for the first time there were held back tears and pain behind the anger and rage. I felt like i could cry for about 10% of me and my learned behaviors of holding thiings in had a hairline crack in it’s armour. There’s a rebellious angry inner child that just want’s to be free, have it’s way and wants my attention so bad. It scares me, I’m so used to being in control of my emotions and now that I’ve put down the food to numb my feelings, I’m having to deal with all the true uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes people share that the feelings really do feel like it’s going to kill them. I’ve had a couple male friends calling me and started crying. With Al. it really suprised me. I thought he had the perfect life, consultant, house on college street, wife, kid, and then realized he was in so much of pain. That is how i’m feeling now. Writing is very cathartic, I really have to lock into this pain and just feel it. I realize that in the end we are alone with ourselves, our HP and this world.

tony A said “ I don’t know what my rights are and what my wrongs are , all i know is i feel abandoned and filled with pain. I live with pain, anxiety, unshed tears, and I’m always on the verge of grief.”

“HP empty me of me and fill me with thee…I would like to be emptied of shame, guilt, fear, terror, uncertainty, and the desperate need to be loved externally becuase i can’t love myself”

The Goal of doing the ACA stepwork is to develop self love and be open enough to receive the love of the higher power.

Withdrawal from A

It’s been fucking brutal and also soothing. Like the intense pain and longing i feel is burning some energy that I couldn’t access before. I’ve read that Grief is stored love that couldn’t be expressed. Idon’t know, logically i know that it’s the right move, we were doomed. But i can’t help dwelling on the rejection. that i was only viewed of as a friend. and I miss the signs of me wanting to be IN a relationship and me expressing a type of love and neediness that could not be recipricated. I used my logic to say that we were physcially and emotionally attraced to each other in a dead end situation. I said things about not being phsyically and emotionally able to handle kids. I constantly felt like my needs werent being met. Who can possibly meet my needs, No woman or guy is going to fulfill my needs of a parent, who’s going to put my needs first, and tell me that I’m okay and everything is going to be okay. All these things I know logically but A. you touched my heart, like so few have and That’s what i feel the most loss of,..”What could have been?” I’m listening to all this ACA theory about self abandonment and infatuation and codependency and “stay away from the addict” and all this shit, and yet you had a way of working into my heart that now i just have to ride out this painful wave, which feels like a fucking tsunami right now. And i’m really grateful that we weren’t physcially intimate because how much more messed up would i be. After Nasreen and I broke up, i couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t do work. and so it is….SIGH…

hypnotherapy and Despair in South Africa

Last Summer (May 2018) I was dealing with a lot of depression and just really aimless after being diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and depression. I was staying in my sisters and bro in laws house and I was really struglling to get back on my feet. Things were not going well, i couldn’t work in corporate again after trying and failing after only 3 days AND i had a leg issue that was preventing me from walking without chronic pain. My sisters got together and sent me to South Africa for treatment, it was very kind of them. I was dealing with some resentment because they didn’t really try to understand what was going on with me and they kind of hid from what i was going through but I did appreciate them taking me in and I did appreciate the help they gave me by incurring the costs and my younger sister orgazning the trip.
I met with John Dutton a guy who founded the Hypnosis academy and spent a very productive 10 days with him and lived by the beach in a resort. My sisters went all out on this and i was grateful. I was also extremely lonely and i was vulnerable. Over the 10 days with John, i got 5 sessions recorded that I can play back and this amazing summary below: which I was not able to appreciate until now (Nov 2019)..when my life really did turn around and change for the better.

Page 1 of the report

Page 2 of the report

I haven’t shared this with too many people but prior to visiting John, i stopped off at one of the most beautiful drives that I’ve seen on the planet: Chapman’s Peak in Cape Town. It was here that I thought for a few seconds of killing myself by jumping down. I was on a rock ledge and I thought okay it would be painless because i would die on impact. But two things saved me…I heard voices in an adjacent rock and I immediately thought of my mom. And how heartbroken she would be and I couldnt’ do that to her. here are the pics from that time..

This is what a suicidal person and depressive looks like.

This was the ledge i was crawling off when i took this picture.

I hope to use my experience about mental illness and hopefully help others. I know what it;s like to feel despair and when I came back i was in the height of my food addiction and diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was one of the worst time in my life since 1998-1999. I will tell that story in another day.

slow day

Ive struggled today. I was up for quite a bit in the middle of the night. Today I feel awful because I commented on D’s mom’s death and he just stopped texting me all together. I apologized and still no word. There’s a lot of loss i’m experiencing now. First with A and soon to be the safety of my mom’s space. I’m also plagued by fear about how i’m going to handle the impending grief and letting the tap of tears flow. P said that I’ve been so good at putting my finger in the dyke that I will be able to turn off the tap when it feels overwhelming. I have been ruminating alot over A and causing myself some pain. I don’t know if it’s healthy. I’ve been able to keep “busy” by doing errands, going to the gym, etc. and I’ve been able to talk to some friends thank God. it’s been really fucking hard though. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the elephant i bought is actually from South AFrica, which is quite a surprise, and it’s a protections stone and opens me to love. I don’t know I just think i’ts such a cute fucking elephant.

I’ve listened to a lot of Codependency no more, it’s amazing, it’s what i needed in my moment of pain. I told A once that “I secretly hope you break my heart so that I can cry” I think i got what i asked for. :p

grateful that I made a little kid smile by waving at her, that I had such an awesome visit playing with Al. and Sa. yesterday and chatting with A’s old tenant, the immigration laywer. That I reached out and asked Erez for help today. That i’ve been abstinent today and the food has been quiet. That I got a call from Mi. who shared her good news with me. and I did not know that she was in the olympics.

I had an intense conversation with mom today. it started off by me telling my mom about the pain of seeing her cry at the TV and the shock of seeing my dad get married. Mom told me that V was the one who first discovered the tape and was balling her eyes out at 9 years old. My heart bleeds for her, that is just awful. I thought i was the only one who suffered but it’s equal opportunity damage. The conversation got intense when I told my mom that she doesn’t see her side of the street in broken relationships. And she said i’ve been doing twenty years of therapy and what has that got me. I calmly explained that I’ve got a long way to go but i’ve been dealing with the trauma of my childhood and that i’ts helped me repair some relationships with my old university friends like Al. and Ha. I asked my mom that imagine she met someone on the street who had all the trauma that my mom had, what would my mom feel about that. Wouldn’t she ask the person to get some help to deal with the trauma. My mom replied that she spent the last 30 years healing. At that point i just changed the subject.

I’ve got the green light to go to montreal in January. I’m relieved and scared. I’m not sure if i’m going to get the chance to be alone or if Sw. will be there. TBC

my thoughts re: A.

it’s been 4 days since I last contacted her. it’s getting easy an it’s getting harder. not the same waves of grief I felt before, i guess because everything that needed to be said has been said, and I feel some hurt and resentment.

Here’s What i didn’t like about her:

1. i couldn’t chat on the phone with her..not her fault but It sucked because i like to talk on the phone.
2. her desire to have a kid to help with recovery, that’s ass backwards thinking..good for her maybe but definitely not good for the kid.
3. her self centeredness. I would say something and then it wasn’t about me, it was about her. I really couldn’t figure her out until i started to feel like holy fuck my needs are not getting met.
4. the threat of “if you leave me”, i will be heatbroken etc…emotionall blackmail.
5. her childishness, not over emails but more over texting, i guess who she was when she let down her guard.
6. her sense of entitlment, and blaming her behaviours solely on her ED and not taking responsiblity for her actions
7. rejecting me, maybe not without merit but it still sucks monkey balls
8. telling me she loved and adored me and to find out it was just as a friend…what the fuck!!!
9. how she baited me by taking my number from the phone list and then texting me..like did i even have a chance given my state of neediness.
10. when i asked her to tell me a joke it was so bloody childish that It didn’t even make me smile. when I asked a guy my age to tell me a joke, he sent me one and I howled.
11. not understanding her white priviledge.. like if that happend to a black person she would be in prison for many years..this is not about A, it’s more about the ignorance of people in general and more my frustrations about the state of the world in general.
12. Taking me for granted when i sent her stuff and her NEVER sending me anything in return, except for her ED writing…which was really really good, see what i liked about her.
13. not beoing able to differentiate that stealing is stealing, whether its a block of cheese or an iphone, it’s the same fucking thing.
14. How could I possibly trust her, when she lied to me, mabye it’s because of her anxiety and not wanting to meet me etc..but still.
15. that I wanted her to stop her bullimia and i was powerless to help her stop. This is on me.
16. Every now and then she would rage on me..and I was really irritated by her self pity.

Here’s what i liked about her:

1. Such a sweet senstive and beautiful heart
2. took an active interest in my life and shared my pain with me and loved me anyway.
3. Didn’t want to lead me on or hurt me, i appreciated that.
4. helped me and supported me and wanted me to grow except for times when she made comments that sounded jealous, “ like when I told her i cold turkey quit coffee..she said “I’m one of those guys that goes all in” it wasn’t that supportive.
5. so fucking gorgeous - illusion because it was maitained by purging.

I am very grateful that in this short but intense relationship , I was able to ask for my Needs . I was able to write letters when I sensed her withdrawal and I was able to talk to my therapist and take the pain rather than not live in reality and find out the truth about how she truly felt about me.

Grateful day

Glorious swim

Nice chat with my new happy friend Gustavo

‎Chats with luanne,nick and Terry my sponsor

Nice nap

Holding my self and keeping safe with mom fight

Gym and oa meeting

Steam code Work at starbucks

‎Finding a great pair of shoes

Nice warm chat with Aivar

Hugs from ladies in program

Playing with the money teddy bear

Great meals today..so blessed to eat like a king

Great friend in Roy

Sharing at the OA phone meeting. 

Checking out value village and winners

Nice visit with the Fido peeps!

Withdrawal

A. Told me that when she said she loved me it was as a friend. And then tried to soften the message. I feel so hurt and angry and rejected. And now I realize I did the same when I told someone that I loved them just to get them in bed. We had a talk after that..she told me don't be careless when using the word love.it stuck with me and I made an assumption with A. that love meant being in love. I feel gutted about that. It's triggering of past betrayals and hurts.

I feel sadness more than anger and I feel exhaustion.. I don't know what I feel about A. anymore..just feel so fucking used. 

I've given up on love with a woman...fuck that! Maybe I'm destined to be with a guy..my mom says it's the same no matter guy or woman..i don't know the most compatible I felt was with my guy friend P.we got each other and ‎he said he ended up getting a woman like me. Maybe so..I hate fucking comparisons. So there it is..another emotionally charged mindfuck. Similar to the lady from MUFG...arggghh.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Pining in my heart

A. Thank you for the love you gave me, the tender words and oh how beautifully you write. I admire you and miss hearing the sound of your beautiful voice. I miss your jokes and the way you expressed yourself when you were angry and frustrated. I miss our "fuck the world" sessions and oh how I miss seeing your beautiful face. I only wish you could see what I see, your beauty and your tender heart. I wish all those beautiful encouraging words you told me, that u could say those words to yourself and believe it. I regret not being there for you and just hugging you and telling you that everything is okay. I wish I could have gone at your pace and somehow suppressed my needs and sexual desires. I'm sorry I couldn't do that.

Loving you now and I want you to have peace and joy in your life. It's time to end the pain and suffering.

So so so hard

A I yearn for you,  I pine for you. I want to rub my hands through your beautiful curly hair and hold my cheek tenderly next to yours like we did the first time we had lunch together. How can such a sweet loving woman come into my life and touch my heart just through one meet and a couple hugs. I would give anything to be with you, to hug you, to caress you and lie in bed with you gently kissing and cuddling you. I wish there was a way......

dear God please help me

Please help me with the day today, i know that so many people are suffering and all i want is to just let go please god, just help me let go of A. , just help me be at peace with myself, please dear God. I’m so fucking drained. I’m so drained of Gossip and people pleasing. i just want to do the best I can. do your step work Krisen, commit your burdens to me

trying new things - Improv meetup group

Yesterday I attended a meetup group for improv. It was scary and fun and I really had to motivate myself to attend. It's hard to try out new things, especially where I have to put myself out there. I texted my friend Reena to make my commitment. Highlights from the class: participating and laughing with a couple guys. Lowlights, being emasculated by a young lady during the scene where we are stranded on park with a bear. I wanted to leave after an hour into it but I stayed for practice till   5 minutes to the end. so that was good practice for me to break out of isolation.

Quote on Albion library window

Albion library is a beautiful Toronto library.  Ita got a nice design and it's a pleasant surprise given the low income rexdale area that I live in. The library is very youth focussed and there are quotes from youth on the window. Here's what's in front of me now.

Why is it that everytime 

I turn on the news 

Theres another tragedy,

Another man shot

And ripped away from his family?

Why is it that everytime

I scroll through my feed

Theres always a "pray for this country"

Because innocent people

Are suffering through brutality?

Why is it that we have accepted this as our reality?

Why is it that we suffer in silence?

Why is it that we don't break this circle of violence?

        - Ahanti

pics today

I discovered a burnt out corn field next to a runway at pearson intl that I can get some cool close ups of planes landing. It was a bit damp from all the rain we've been having but I will get a pair of galoshes and try again later this week. I'm fascinated by planes, they look so majestic, truly one of the best inventions of human species. Today's pics was more of the flowers and colours. I'm using a canon eos5d (original one) and a wide angle lens. Next time i will break out my telephoto lens but gosh that is heavy to carry around.   I'm happy to find this field, it seems abandoned and I wonder when it will be developed.