yearning and pining for Love

I bought an audiobook, "how to break your addiction to a person"  From the very time I met A in program i fell in love with her, aw of her and started to google her when I got her last name. I am embarrased to admit this and I knew where she emigrated from and I pretended I did not know. I was so enamored with the attention she gave me, the texting on a daily basis, in the beginning i was annoyed by the frequency of texts and then I got used to it, the idea that someone so young and attractive could be interested in me. And then she told me she loved and adored me and I took it the wrong way, why wouldn't I. and so once I knew she "loved" me, i started to embrace her and fantasize about a relationship with her, meeting her family and even having a kid with her someday.

 It all came crashing down when i made a comment about her treating her dog like a kid and she told me how it's the thing she thinks about the most and how she wants to have a kid so badly. And then I told her how there are times I wish i wasn't born and i had 10 years of therapy etc. And that's when it changed. And when she said she thinks a kid will help her recover, i knew that it was over for me, because the thought of having a kid with her terrified me. Like another Nasreen, it would be her family, her way. I didn't even have a chance. i wish there was more physical intimacy, i feel completely short changed and I'm still pining over her and remembering her every day. Moving to montreal hasn't changed that. It has caused me much suffering and I listened to a podcast today how suffering really sucks but it is what it is. There's no romanticizing it, it just fucking sucks.

 I felt incredibly low and unloved today. I did take my medication and I did feel better after going to they gym. Part of my infinite loop mind is my attraction to men and I feel so afraid to pursue it and my sexual attraction to women. When I shared this at an Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, an older guy came up to me and said he doesn't envy me the struggles i'm going to have.
Today at an OA phone meeting there was a lovely lady who  shared about how difficult life is and she can't imagine living another 25 years till she turns 90 like her folks. She talked about working a 12 hour shift at customer service and how tired she gets and how irritable she gets with the customers after hour 8 I just thought that is so very grueling, and then i realize my job that I start is going to be 7.5 hours of cold calling customers and trying to get them to buy Rogers products and that scares me shitless also, it is what it is. I bought an audiobook and i'm going to practice this shit. and pray and hope for the best.

Much love,
K

day after chocolate binge

I was feeling very lonely last night. I turned to my comfort, House episodes and chocolates and I opened the garage door and snuck out and got the chocolates from my trunk and snuck back in. I was afraid that I’d wake up swaraj but she was fast asleep i think. Those chocolates were not mine, they were meant for the guy who cleared the snow. I thought I could keep it in the trunk so i wouldn’t get it, but I knew that it was my insurance policy. I had the first one, then the second, then the next and was so very dissapointed when it finished. This all while keeping the lights closed so that I wouldn’t be able to see what i was doing. i wanted it to be dark and unconcious that act that I did so often from the age of 13 when I numbed out with television watching and chips just to face the loneliness and painful feelings of despair and puberty and shyness and social anxiety. I dunno what that 13 year old was feeling but he was so lost. After the chocolates finished I snuck back up and got some peanut butter from the fridge, this was to replace the peanut butter that I’d already eaten and i was hoping swaraj would not see me and I snuck down the stairs and missed a step and my arm hit the door handle and i had the thought too myself, i’m doing this for my fucking fix. I woke up with sugar high/hangover and was immediately grateful that i hadn’t finished too much of the peanut butter, my stomach would have been gutted if I had, so it would have been a double wammy of upset head and tummy. I just listened to some meditation which was custom made for me by my hypnotherapist in south africa, it’s tied so much with my adult self talking to my child self and encouraging him for self love and turning the signals on in my brain for confidence and self esteem and today I put up truth and courage to face what i want.

I was very saddened still about A. i miss her so much and when I think of her so see her in videos I feel so sad. I go there once in a while , thank god it’s not daily like it used to be. A are you thinking about me when i think about you, have you forgotten me, was it easy for you when we stopped talking, are you upset with me because of my broken promises and the shitty things i said when I was desparate. I wish you well, i don’t wish harm for you. There are times i really wish you never came into my life. I always think about showing up at a meeting with you and then i think about how i’ll still be attracted and longing for you and I know that i’m scared to face that situation. I have to remind myself whey i didn’t respond to your last text and I have to remind myself that I really didn’t know you. that who you were in person and text was different from that person on email and i really fell in love with that person. Also i have to remind myself that you really turned me on. and I would have been a slave to you like i was to nasreen. I don’t like my life right now. I don’t like my age, my loneliness, my aches and pains and what i do with this addiction. I really fucking hate it.

a difficult time today

I ate my sandwhich today at 6pm, it was my dinner that i prepared and i’m grateful for preparing it rather than buying lunch which i cannot afford. I really don’t want to go into debt. I only have to take care of myself but I also have been having a hard time with the transition. This afternoon after lunch I went to do some more job hunting in the basement and then I stumbled accross a video that made me tear and very sad, It was the lady who’s famous naked child body was shown as she was burnt with the bomb in vietnam, it was horrific and i felt so sad. i also felt so sad when she said she wanted to commit suicide and she found jesus and I felt like I’m so far from getting the faith that she has, but she talked about the new testament, not the old. Sooo I just keep plugging away at spirituality the best way I can. I reached out to a couple people but no luck and i felt even loneliner, i kept asking God to kill me because I have intense sadness but can’t shed tears and I don’t know how to let it come. I got to an OA meeting online and shared and this helped me greatly with conneciton. Actually the nap that i took helped refreshed me and get me up. i also felt like a loser because my 87 year old roommate was out learning how to play cards and here i was depressed and napping because i was just overwhelmed by the sadness. My mom also texted me so that set me off too.

When I got to the starbucks, I connected with a guy i knew and i told him that I wanted to change my name to Neo..he got it, asked if I was the chosen one. I said better than Krist or Kristen. I did a lot of reading and what I read was enlightening, it was a new book that I got as a recommendation from Jerry Wise, it’s called “Backbone Power, The science of saying no” I like it a lot and soemthing struck me about how an addict is a master manipulator and leach onto to people pleasers to get their needs met. An addict needs tough love. It immediately got me thinking about how i really wanted to get on my own two feet and not live off swaraj. That really bothers me. I pray that I can be disciplined to put job hunting first no matter what.

good things today

I helped a lady move her car today. as i drove in, i saw that she was having a hard time coming out and i knew that she needed help. I went to her and started guiding her but she was struglling. then she came out of the car and asked me if i could move it, and i told her that I would get my scraper and then she took it and she started scraping. i got into her car and i looked behind me and I saw her daughter sitting in a child seat, she must have been about 6. i said hi to her and she didn’t say anything, she just looked at me. The lady then came to me and told me there was a rear view monitor in the car and I just told her to clear the other side of the rear view mirror. The lady was muslim and was wearing a hijab. I then proceeded to move the car closer to the right and then i had an idea that i was going to swing out carefully without trying to hit the car to the left of me. i did that and i gently guided the car out, coming ever so close to the car to the left of me without actually hitting it and then as I reverssed i could see the car in the rear view mirror and then i backed up the car at an angle and when i was clear, i moved the car forward and then got out. the lady thanked me and i went off. I was so happy with myself. i didn’t need to tell anyone because i was doing it out of the genuine kindness of my heart as so many people have been kind to me.

I attended an OA meeting and I was the only guy there, i noticed a beautiful young latina woman and I was visibily aware of her. i also saw a newcomer and i sat next to her, there was Bronia who was lovely to see, she is always such a calming presence and she told me to come on Tuesday. I got many hugs and I especially liked hugging the older lady next to me and the newcomer. I felt very positive about the experience, prior to that i called anoop and we connected so that was really nice also. Swaraj is having doug over for dinner and I so just want to cancel and not be sociable but I realize that it’s important for me to chat with others and practice my social skills, i have been very inwardly focussed and i know that my mind can be a dangerous place to be.