intense conversation with mom

It was really hard, I told her I hate she doesn’t see a therapist for her trauma. Then she tells me I’ve been seeing 1 for over 20 years and I’m still screwed up and it hasn’t helped me. She told me about the hurtful things I said, I told her she’s crazy, and I apologized for some of the things I said. I kept praying to god to not have this blow up with me leaving early just like last time when I left in anger. It was ugly , raw, scary and I told her I don’t want to play therapist. I’m tired of it. She said I should just go and this is it. Somehow I was able to calm thing down internally and then asked her if she wanted to go for coffee. And then we drove and it was nice. Disaster averted. I told her she wasn’t mentally stable during our childhood and I suffered from severe anxiety due to fear and authoritarian parenting. I’m so grateful we both didn’t take things too personally and we were able to calm things down. So hard, praying helped. Thank you God.

december 14th Journal

Hi had a bout of depression today. Just after lunch and I spent about 2.5 hours in bed, maybe slept for 1.5 hours.

Switching to decaf really helps.

Doing the OA meeting and sharing helped too at 3pm. It’s like a reset for me and I love that meeting during the weekdays.

I got to the gym , I was really sparked because of the Stephen fry depression documentary to keep track of the day and the mood swings etc.

Played some video games between 4pm-5pm. Practiced the self compassion.

I’m going to have way more books than I’ll read, more games than I’ll ever be able to play. And I know I’ll have a hard time of letting that stuff go and it’s okay, I’m going to accept that.

Listened to some Claudia black ACA stuff and it was nice , I was in between 2 very attractive women in shorts showing their butts and I couldn’t focus. I was horny and hungry. I guess that is the consequence of getting off the meds.

The depression scares me I couldn’t take calls but watching the Stephen fry and one of the ladies who couldn’t’ take calls and be with friends made me feel good about myself. But I was jealous that she was keeping a relationship and two day a week job, it is what it is I guess.

She ended up having breast cancer and she was very close to her mom they were going to the zoo, I sometimes wonder if my mom will have to take care of me . It’s scary I’m not getting financial support from the government and grateful to get it from my sister Vash and isai and rodney and mom help a ton financially, grateful.

Okay that’s it, I want to finish that documentary tomorrow.

Swaraj wasn’t herself when she texted, distant and I called her and expressed concern, she said don’t worry about her she is fine. And I will spend some time with her on saturday.

Over and out

2 way prayer after such a long time!

 Dear God, I want to write neat and see what I’m writing can you please make that happen. Thank you for your abstinence God. Please take away my resentments. Please help me with fear of hard work and doing any job Gods. I hate my dependency on others to feel good emotionaly. I hate feeling stuck in not exploring relationships and sexuality, I hate my powerless over porn and masturbation and not liking my looks and being weighed down by body weight and life. I hate how everything is just so so fucking hard God and just numbing out to episodes of house MD to fill the void. Please help me God, what the fuck am I supposed to Do?

 

My dear dear sweet boy, here you go, the writing is so much better little one. Hang in there my sweet sweet little boy. Hang in there. Its really going to be okay little one, start with the first day of abstinence and don’t give up step 1 my sweet boy. Do not be afraid of life my little one, it’s really all going to be okay. I’m sorry people snub you and can be mean by not responding, people you have established and long term relationships with. I’m sorry little one, hurt people hurt. Im sorry you’re so full of fear little one, let the miracle in, you don’t need to sell your place and do a geographical. Stay where you are little one. You are doing so very very good. We love how you ate the pasta and put the rest away and didn’t binge little one. We love how you’re going to put away the rest in the freezer little one. We love how you take care of Jean luc, putting up the barrier and letting him out on the balcony, we are so very thrilled about that. All is going well little one start with abstinence and hang on to it my sweet boy. Go out explore, be fascinated, learn, adjust, share your hurt and rejection and pain with others and let it go sweet boy, also share your joy and excitement. Be your own best friend and seek out the companionship of others It’s all going to be okay little one. Stay in Today my love. 

I talk with HP Today

 I talked to God today, I was very very inspired but what he told me. Stop berating myself, watch the inner critic and gaslighter say im sorry but that’s not what the evidence shows. Fight enlarge my protective parent , fight for all the people that care about me, love me, adore me and that I adore. My inner children, my cat , my mom and sisters. Fight HP said, use your skills , it feels good to learn French and to practice and to know that my old beliefs are just old programmed beliefs and does not reflect my new reality. Fight fight fight, don’t give up. 

I told higher power about addiction and depression and lack of work and all the slights I was feeling from people not acknowledging me. I’m so angry so livid, that my inner child keeps reaching out for connection and people are so careless with me. So very angry.  It’s okay my sweet boy said my HP it’s okay, keep breathing and move forward. Forgive easily let it go protect your boundaries and keep moving forward. 

i talked with God yesterday

Yesterday I wrote to my dad and I told him how much I wanted to be like him and wanted his love and approval and it was so nice.he told me to let that version of him Go, he let it go, he’s no longer like that he has different values now. I told him I wished I was better with women and made him proud and how I loved how we bonded when talking about Nareen and how aggressive she was in bed and then I talked about my failed attempt on my birthday in the hotel in nyc and she not sleeping with me. That is so very painful so very painful. Dad told me to let that go and he was sorry for making those comments. I feel so much of shame but he told me to please let it go. My sexual inventory is so messy. I feel so alone now desperate for sex, intimacy a relationship and my inner teen is just raging. I feel so stuck , my inner kids asked me to stop obsessing over money and live life and stop being guilty all the time and stuck about survival. I heard them and I told them it’s still so hard, I don’t believe a higher power will look out for me as it doesn’t look out for all the suffering, I just can’t get past that its just shit luck. But I love my inner kids and I love my cat and I don’t want to burden my family and I want them to know that I’m okay I want to do it for myself. I don’t want to be cajoled, I’ve struggled so much with loneliness and addiction and just being mentally stuck. I don’t know how to get out of that. I’ve done my best but I’ve also spent a lot of time in depression, sleeping, recovering from a binge etc. everything has felt so fucking hard, everything.

another good non secular OA post

 I am writing to share my experience as an atheist in OA. I feel disappointed by the lack of articles written by atheists, particularly articles that don’t end with the author finding faith in God. Even the Big Book’s chapter “To the Agnostic” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th. ed., pp. 44–57) encourages nonbelievers to try believing in God. I assert that it’s possible to be spiritual and live a life of recovery without believing in a supernatural God.

I didn’t start out as an atheist. I grew up in a religious family, went to religious schools, married in a church, baptized our children and attended church every Sunday. When I came to OA, I was devoutly religious and embraced my God as my Higher Power.

I immersed myself in recovery from the beginning, went to meetings, got a sponsor, wrote on the Steps, made phone calls and did service. I have over three years of back-to-back abstinence and have always loved OA. It taught me how to live and to bring my religious teachings into my real life.

I’m not sure what started my questioning, but in the last year I began to look at my faith and beliefs with a more critical eye, asking what I believed and what I have been told to believe. I read books, talked with a lot of people and opened my mind to different ideas.

The end result (for now) is that I don’t believe in God as I understood God to be—one who created the world, knows the future and leads us along the path he created for us. I don’t believe God listens to my prayers, talks through other people, finds me parking spaces or keeps me abstinent.

Does this mean I don’t rely on a Higher Power? Of course not. Relying on a Higher Power is essential to my recovery. I’ve just redefined that Higher Power. I found the OA pamphlet What If I Don’t Believe in God? and the books Lifeline Sampler and Seeking the Spiritual Path helpful.

Today my Higher Power is the program Principles. When I live by them, I live a spiritual life. Instead of turning my will over to God, I turn it over to the greater good of mankind. I don’t ask God to remove my defects, but I trust that working the program will remove them. I don’t pray to God, but I meditate on releasing my defects and embracing my assets. I haven’t changed the way I work my program, just how I think of it. When I hear the word God, I think “good orderly direction,” love, or good.

The wording of the Steps and much of our literature supports belief in a personal God, as does the use of the Lord’s Prayer in some of our meetings. I am grateful these did not push me away from the program, but I wonder if religious language turned off others. In some meetings I have heard disparaging remarks about atheists.

I am not criticizing; I know the program isn’t perfect, and I plan to be an OA member for life. I encourage members to keep the door open for everyone, regardless of their beliefs or disbeliefs, and to consider how our meetings appear to those without faith. I hope to encourage others to share their experience, strength and hope. I am an example of someone who works a strong program, has been relieved of the compulsion to over- and under-eat, lives a spiritual life and is an atheist. I am sure there are many like me.

I am grateful to all who have been part of my recovery. Thank you.

— M.O., Huntingdon Valley, Pennsylvania USA

            

non secular 12 steps ESH from lifeline

 The first time I worked the Steps, more than thirty years ago, I believed in a benevolent HP who was watching my back. I was sure of this because I was very happy at that time in my life. Twenty-five years later, I had a spiritual crisis when I lost my career, and now, I believe no entity was ever watching out for me. I came to believe that both good and bad things happen to everyone in a seemingly random manner. (I say “seemingly” because there’s obviously a wisdom in the universe that has ensured our survival so far, but it is beyond my understanding.) My spiritual crisis did not affect my commitment to or reliance on OA for a spiritual path and help with my food.

I’ve had a hard time relating when people share about God or HP as an entity whom they pray to and have a relationship with. I usually share my own experience, but sometimes I politely check out with a glazed smile. To me, God or HP is an outside issue. When I have shared my program success as an agnostic, people have thanked me after the meeting, but I’ve rarely heard sharing of a similar view.

I am close to OA members who believe in an HP who is an entity. We don’t argue about it. We bond over working the Steps, using the Tools, and following Good Orderly Direction, which seems accessible to anyone who seeks consciousness. I have sponsored and been sponsored by people who believe in God or are religious; they are, after all, in the majority. I have my sponsees work the Twelve Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous.

OA literature is fairly secular, and I can easily relate to it. I ignore what I do not like; thus, I can still find it valuable. When I need to do an inventory, I use the Twelve Stepping a Problem worksheet.

This is how I adapt the Steps:

Step One. I take it as it is. Obviously, my life would have to be unmanageable for me to ask for help. Thankfully, this Step does not mention God.

Step Two. I was a mental health professional, so I’ve had trouble with the word “sanity.” Once I understood what it means in OA, I was able to admit my insanity with food and other defects. I believe I‘ve been restored to sanity by working the program. I can easily slide back into insanity, so I work this Step daily.

Step Three. I’ve learned a lot about how willful and defiant I am around food and anything else I want. Fortunately, I’ve also learned I can survive without getting my way or eating mass quantities of junk. The Third Step taught me to defer gratification and be open to guidance from sources more evolved or detached than myself.

Step Four. I’ve journaled since I was an adolescent, so Step writing has not been a stretch. I’ve gained many insights from inventories I’ve done. It’s been humbling to hear others’ inventories.

Step Five. I used to babble about my thoughts to anyone who’d listen, which was of no benefit and an avoidance of intimacy. From doing Fifth Steps, sharing in meetings, and listening to others, I have discerned what will be helpful. I skip the “to God” part, but I am careful to be honest and thorough when admitting my vulnerabilities to myself and others.

Steps Six and Seven. God is mentioned twice, and the fact that God is a “he” is not lost on me. I ignore the “God” part. In my opinion, these Steps are the core of the program. If I didn’t think OA could help me become a better person, I would not waste my time. I do not pray for my character defects to be removed; rather, I make clear my intention to replace a defect with its opposite and to be open to opportunities to practice this. I humbly admit I cannot provide those opportunities, nor can I will myself into consciousness of them or willingness to take advantage of them. Change and progress is a mysterious process, but I have witnessed positive change in myself and others, and that encourages me to keep practicing.

Steps Eight and Nine. I didn’t have nearly as many amends to make as I’d thought, but I was ridden by guilt, so what a relief to learn I’m no better or worse than any other frail human. I cleared the wreckage of the past as much as was possible at the time, and I’ve continued to make living amends to my mother. I make amends as needed for an unkind word, angry outburst, and my part in a misunderstanding. For me, these amends are required about a couple of times a month. If I‘m in doubt, I practice first with someone else in the program.

Step Ten. This is my favorite Step. My three OA partners and I do a nightly Tenth Step in the A-E-I-O-U format. We share our Tenth Steps and accept feedback, and that is a perfect way to end the day.

Step Eleven. This is my least favorite. I translate “God’s will” to mean Good Orderly Direction. I am not inclined to meditate, but I do activities, such as yoga, tai chi, swimming, and walking, that promote quiet time to hear messages, which I receive regularly. I assume they come from my subconscious, which seems to be a wiser part of myself. Sometimes, I hear what I need at a meeting.

Step Twelve. I have had many spiritual awakenings, or epiphanies, as a result of working the program, and I continue to grow as a person. I give Twelve Step service to others when the opportunity presents itself; however, I am currently on a hiatus from sponsoring after sponsoring for many years. (I lost my willingness after a run of bad experiences.) I do service at the group level and have done service at region level. Certainly, I am committed to practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs; recovery is the organizing principle of my life.

— Mercy

things are hard..coping

Earning is a problem. Not making enough to support myself and 11k plus in the line for credit debt. It sneaks up so quickly. Am willing to do some part time jobs while I build up my tolerance. I don't want to get into a job and then get into the binge cycle. I hope that I keep pushing myself enough. I can't get into catastrophic thinking and I need a plan and trust and stick to it thay keeps me moving forward. 

Today it's a study off French practice for our week off. Put erez directly in touch with bill.so that's another revenue stream loss. Part of me is giving up IT so I can look at myself honestly. It's a clean start but my thinkig is still the same and I need to look at a next career or a few ways to makes a living.

dear god 2 way prayer.

I feel pretty wrecked god, so much pain, what am I supposed to learn from this. I can adapt to every situation. Thank you for the screaming I enjoyed that , authentic screaming from pain. Fuck I hate my age and my body, I hate how old I am and how fast it flew by. It’s awful god to be in this position, just awful. Willing to help out people as I can. hurts so much to sit to sleep to stand, only thing I can do is lie down on a pillow. Just awful god, this is fucking bullshit, the timing is horrendous or is it , am I just wasting my fucking time. Fuck you god. Earthing is so fucking hard and it never stops, fuck you. Even if I’m in end I get the food addiction to keep me in checked and add to the misery fuck you God. Sometimes I just don’t wan tot live in this agony, this painful miserable fucking existence.

 

Sweet sweet boy, oh how I missed talking to you little one. Come to me, and I appreciate the talk today. We are so very proud of you little one, we see you suffer and you still act with humility tenderness and kindness listen one. It’s okay my sweet boy, it’s okay. All will be well. This too shall pass. Please do not compare yourself with others. Coming to Quebec was like coming to a different country little one. You suffered for so long at the call center and the last 3 .5 years moving and with addiction little one, you didn’t do it by yourself you had help and you helped others little one. We don’t every want you to feel like you had it easy little one. You struggled and suffered mostly in silence little one , we want you to know that you are not alone and we have not abandoned you and never will my sweet. Keep showing up, keep coming to me and keep doing your very best little one, it will all be okay my sweet boy, it will all be okay. Love gods.

binge today

 Dear god so fucking tired of binehing and getting triggered 

What the fuck god what the fuck

More chips more fat more fatigue and more hating on myself. I hate hate being addicted god, I hate feeling like I'm always doing this wrong. I hate getting triggered by stupid cunts like resh, saying 12 steps is garbage when I'm already feeling so unsure so vulneravle so lost.  Please help me god. What do u have to say?

Dear sweet boy breathe 

We love you little one

Pixk yourself and let go of this setback little one turn it over to me and get back on track my sweet. We are so very sorry we love you immensley and it hurts us when u suffer my love. I know good things are xoming your way your mind and body will be clear my sweet boy and u will once again be able to toleraye your feelings without picking up food and junk. Trust the process little one. Take care of yourself and know that your mom, resh, sisters everyone has their own higher power and all will be well my sweet. All will be well. We love you immensley little one and all will be well.

2 way prayer today.

 Dear sweet god, Thank you for last night with the food. Didn't want to reach for porn but I did. I'm going to crawl out of my skin without junk to munch on. Life feels so hard and stressful at night. Aging, money, looks, and no french, inability to call and feel I'm too rigid. Please help me get out of the roller coaster godf. Its survival mode now and I'm not doing that even.

Just feel low energy and unable to do anything. Please come to me.

My sweet sweet boy, we are so sorry little one, we are so very sorry. There there all will be okay my sweet.

Keep breathing and yogaing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Your meals and exercise are getting better.

Let the rest follow little one, let the rest follow. Trust us little one

Go to queer church in toronto and sing. You feel the spirit there.

Let your insides and outsides be one. We love you little one so so much you have come so far and we love and adore you.

letter to god

Dear God, so angry so much frustratoin, fear, regret, resentments. i don't want to be like my  mother. i feel like i'm already her, never satisfied, always looking to change, looking for others to make me happy. Please help me god, struggling to let go of the past, and old friends who i don't have a close relationship with and rely on. help new trust the new ones. even if they are not exciting as the old. Tired of not getting my needs met through intimacy of a friednship and using food which is vicious and horrible and erodes at my self esteem. just like porn, spending, debting, and other compulsive behaviours. what kind of higher power are  you, maybe you are just a cruel power?

 Sweet child we love you and want you to be free to be you! we love all of you , the real  you, mak off and not people pleasing. you are never alone sweet child. get out there and live your best life. cry if you can , feel all your feelings and know that  you will never be alone through it all. 

2 way prayer from this morning.

Dear God, so painful everyday, it’s so hard with money work night bingeing mindless shows, please please God, help me. I want to feel my feelings everyday, deal with it, let it out and not be stuck in misery, loneliness and despair. Please show me how to be in my creative brain god, guide me , I want to trust you more and turn things over. I hate being in addiction., I want to live the gentler softer way and not be in fight, flight freeze mode. Please help me god.

My dear dear sweet boy, breathe little one, deep breaths let out fear regret hurt shame and anger and let in love, strength , hope and light little one. You will be okay my sweet sweet boy. You will be okay. You are so very loved little one, so very loved. We know you will be okay it’s going to be okay little one, we promise. We don’t want to see you suffer little one, we don’t want you to feel despair all is well my sweet. Trust the recovery process, let out your feelings, share with others. Let us love you and guide you my sweet, we have infinite wisdom and will guide you to the choice that is right for you. You are truly truly loved little one, all is well.

2 way prayer on kitten caring stress and not getting needs met from friends

Dear God, thank you for a better might. Jean Luc is getting hard to care for , the insight about the clay litter and him getting it all over my bed and cross contamination is fucking scary. Fuck he is so needy I didn’t expect this, it’s like having a fucking child. How did I get myself into this. I can’t binge because he always wants to be touch the food an dI can’t isolate, is this what the fucking doctor ordered God?

My dear dear dear sweet boy, please forgive me, all I can think of saying is “you are welcome”. The little kitten is exactly what you need right now and you will figure out boundaries my sweet boy. It’s fantastic that you shower him with a lot of love and affection and that you have a balcony that you can take him out regularly , he loves it and when inspired take him out in the cage to visit others. It’s going to be okay my sweet sweet boy, please trust me that I will alway guide you to your best outcomes and sometimes IT will feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry about hearing that Lucia Capacchione took her own life, I know it made you feel devastated because you are following her recovery ways and you feel let down because she still took her own life at 85. I’m glad you saw her daughters note and how honest they were. Keep following her guidance little one. Be the thriver . It’s going so well letting out the anger and doing the creative journal and we are so immensley proud of you.

We are so sorry little one that all you old family guy friends are not responding to you. It’s not about you little one, they have a 100 things on their mind and maybe you’re number 96 on that list, making sure Krisen feels heard. It’s not your fault little one, you were following directions and sometimes they are so self absorbed also and not in recovery. Focus on safe friendships little one. About the food little one and the 12 steps, we are glad that you are leaving meetings once they feel shame inducing for you. We are so thrilled that you are giving new meetings phone and zoom a chance. That is the way little open mindedness and trusting the process. Keep challenging the little voice with the protective parent, who says, is that so, well I am this this and I did this this and this so I don’t believe you mr critic. Be ever so gentle with yourself, we want you to feel the immense love we have for you and are so very very proud of you.

Love gods

BPD traits

 Defintion of Personality Border: Pattern of abnormal thoughts and behaviors that impairs relationship with others. 

as with any list it's a generalization.. not all apply or can happen x percent of time.

Behavriours  of ideal mother : 

Comforts her child

Apologies for inappropriate behavior

Takes care of herself

Encourages independence in her children

Is proud of childrens accomplishment

Builds her children self esteem

Calms and soothes her children

Responds to her childrens changings needs

Disciplines with logical and natural consequences

Expects that her children will be loved by others

Never threatens abandonment. 

Believes In her children’s basic goodness

Trusts her children

Borderline mother behaviors :

Confuses her child

Does not apologize or remember inappropriate behavious

Expects to be taken cared off

Punishes or discourages independence

Envies, ignores or demeans her childrens’ accomplishments

Destroys ,denigrates or undermine self esteem

Expects children to responds to her needs. 

Frightens and upsets her children

Disciplines inconsistently or punitively

Feels left out jealour or resentlful if child is loved by someone else

Uses threat of abandonment or actual abandonment to punish the child

Does not believe in her children basic goodness

Does not trust her children. 

Diagnosed of BPD if have 5 of the below traits

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2.A pattern of unstable or intense relationships

3.Unstable self image or sense of self

4.Impulsiveness or behavior that could be self destructive: spending, sex , substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, 

5.Suicidal gestures / threats or self mutilating behavior

6.Intense moodiness/rapid mood changes

7.Feelings of emptiness

8.Inappropriate intense anger

9.Stress induced paranoid thoughts or dissociative (loses touch with reality)

2 way prayer thank you god

I did my 2 way prayer today and shared it with the group. I can’t find the page I did the writing on . I’m already tired, woke up at 1am, had a few cups of coffee , I also went to the gym and I share at the FAA 545 am meeting. And that was nice. Feel sleepy now. I setup the desktop for one of the guys at Derrig, made me feel very hopeful. Gosh I feel very sleepy now. Horrible conditions in parts of Somalia. Somaliland is good though. Payment guy ceo is treated like a rockstar in the community but why.

Went to gym , cardio. soo sleepy, can I sleep?

weight gain, bingeing, loneliness and despair

Dear God, thank you the binge wasn’t worse God, thank you and I need help God. The weight gain is so bad. I feel scared and shame and anger with myself and for those asking me questions about my abstinence, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to feel worse about myself by analyzing this behaviour. I fucking hate that going into the food is what I do night in and night out I’m scared God of ballooning and struggling under the weight of debting and not making enough overspending.

My dear dear sweet boy. Have not heard from you in a while little one. It’s okay my sweet. You are feeling intense pain and loneliness little one. Let go of the weight for now. Focus on a night of blissful abstinence. Good for you on scheduling a 5th for Sunday, we are so thrilled of your willingness to do the 4th, let go of the fear, negativity and toxicity little one. It’s happening beautifully and magically and fine and we love you so so very much.

Love God

notes from Margaret session

Margaret talked about developing a psychic shield

Love deficit, love seeking - how can I fill that love void?

Hard for me to trust based on rejecting and abandonment in past. Depression for a year after breaking up with Nareen. 20 years without relationship. It’s going to be okay it’s not my fault. I’m not the same person that I was then, I’ve grown and I’ve got more support.

I will make mistakes. Hard finding same people who have emotional space to give.

We are all flawed human beings.

2 way prayer

Feel so defeated god, only comfort in numbing out, don’t even want to do life. Feel awful, stupid sugar, stupid chips, stupid addiction stupid money, hate life god, feel hopeless, why is life so fucking shitty. Fuck fuck fuck, are you here God?does any of this even matter?

My dear little one, everything is going to be okay my love. It’s all going to be okay little one, Breathe…..there isn’t thet better.

You have been through a lot little one and everything feels so very hard, we get it little one and are so sorry. We get it, the food abuse is so crushing to your spirit little one, we love you still, that will never change, we are always proud of you. It’s going to be okay little one, keep showing up and keep spreading love. There is hope little one, things will turn around. Love you very much, God.

update

Today is day 3 of my abstinence from non-bingeing and I’m not using sugar flour wheat.

I called swaraj and let her know I couldn’t make it and I was proud of myself for that.

I am doing some sorting out of paperwork and throwing away stuff, grateful for that.

It’s been hard, I’ve had to sleep early and I wake up super early but it has been so worth it to not binge. And I’m also trying to manage my addiciton to spending, impulse buying games etc.

I replaced my earphones cushions and it feels great. Want to get to the gym later today. But for now I’m attending another meeting and I’m looking forward to watching the totenham match.

2 way prayer

Dear God, thank you for a night of abstinence. I feel pain in my shoulders and neck and lower back. It’s becoming chronic and I’m scared. I also think it’s aging rearing its ugly head. years of exercise abuse and now my heaviest weight ever I feel scared god. I’m not used to waking up in pain , will physio help?

My dear dear sweet boy, it’s okay little one, its okay, we are here for you and want you to keep doing what you did yesterday. You were abstinent yesterday and we are so very happy and proud of you. You want to the gym and eased into a tight stretch and you did your meditation and yoga, well done. Congrats on sticking through the OA step study and connecting with others over zoom and showing your face. It’s going to be okay little one, all those things your are scared about. Finances health, aging, loneliness, give those to me and put it in your godbox and you will see the miracles happen. Love you little one, it’s all going to be okay!

2 way prayer first for the new year

Dear God, hi bonjour, ca va? Nice to meet you Dear God. I’m so tired, so very tired God, please please please help me. I want to be willing to take step 1, feel step1 , feeling powerless over a popcorn, nut a cookie, a slice of cheesecake. So worried about finances yet I spent on ubereats last night. When is it going to stop God, I hate this life, the despair. The feelings, the feelings. Please help.

My dear sweetheart. Breathe little one. I’m so very sorry that things are so very hard. I’m proud of you for being kind and loving to your mom, even though you were scared. Wonderful my boy. She loves you with all you heart and does not mean you any malice. Working with the therapist was the right move little one. Keep listening to my voice, your intuition.

We are sorry little on that life is so hard with sloth, depression, shame, finances, debating, loneliness and feeling stuck. We know how you feel trapped where you are little one please please please hang in there. It’s always darkness before Dawn. You are growing into a beautiful adult and we love you so very much. Keep trusting us little one and take care of you scared and amazing inner child. Love you always, God.