About Gurinder , anoop, chuck, mahesh cousin, Alex, Antonio I want more emotional support than they need from me and I get very angry and resentful when I don’t receive it from them.
- Its like going in very thirsty to someone who’s well is already empty.
Anoop wants to maintain the same relationship where I’m the needy one and he’s the mentor or taking care of me. He can’t handle us having a relationship as equals.
I was very angry about anoop and not understanding about my cat. Similar to Vash and isai, they see the fancy apartment and security and status as a sign of being okay. Vash and anoop are accountants and auditors and I see the similarity. I’m very grateful that anoop told me to invest in claude AI and gave me the money for a 1 year subscription. In that respect, he was serving as a mentor . Having used Claude gave me a new passion and zeal for work because its so good.
I posted my pride picture at the bar in Facebook and instagram. I was scared and anxious about the response , it’s the first time I’ve posted anything about my sexuality and I was afraid half the people will unfriend me (which will be a relief for me, because those aren’t the people I want in my circle) and there will be some ugly or nasty comments. I am just tired of being a phoney and unauthentic. Of having people who are not in my corner. Update on the post, 31 likes and loves, all the comments were really positive and supportive , people saying so nice to finally see my face. I felt self conscious about the people who only liked my post and not loved it. i felt especially self conscious about the gay men who liked my post because I am sure I am not doing enough to be out and proud.
I expect more from long term friendships that I’ve invested in. It really breaks my heart about Alex, and I realize that its not so much he’s changed but that I’ve changed, and I expect more reciprocity. 2 thoughts at once, yes Alex went to bat for me by getting me my first contract because he knew the owner. Yes Alex, met me in Rome and got an apartment and entertained me in 1997 . One of the best stopovers of my life before going to Isais wedding. Yes he helped me move out of the condo that nasreen and I owned and he was supportive to me. 2 things can be true at once and it’s not enough. I was plenty there for him too. Listen to him talk for hours and hours.
Im tired of people being carless , I apologized to anoop the next day and I said I’m sorry I overreached and his response was “Don’t worry about me” like I don’t need the help.
I am not a saint, I do and say plenty of stupid and hurtful things and I see my part and make amends as quick as possible, that is what the 12 steps is all about. Clearing the wreckage of the past and doing daily inventories. Its hard work, but after 15 years, Its kind of engrained in me.
I love what I do and I’m good at it, it was so nice to be paid today by the therapist. It was a difficult account and it caused me a lot of frustration when I did the training. I feel bad about yelling in frustration to Allen the therapist owner, I wish I had stood up for myself first instead of just accepting what he said in the email and building up a resentment which came out in the training.
On Sunday I didn’t fawn to the rude waiter and I stood up for myself .
Role models for women, mom, isai, vash, nasreen. Mom and vash more masculine tendencies. Isai and gurinders wife , Joyce, strong intelligent women who chose dominant men and become submissive to them . Isai is breaking out of that by having 2 contracts essentially 2 full time jobs and is earning well.
Nasreen was sexually aggressive , when I told my father about it he was so interested and excited to hear it. It was one of the few times when I felt really bonded with him. Some stuff came up about my cousin mahesh, I remember being so dissapointed when I reconnected with my dad and he kept calling me Mahesh, I felt so jealous of mahesh. I still have some jealousy about him and how successful he is wife and kid and great job, building a lovely new house in Stockholm Sweden.
Comment about gurinder being able to handle 4 women and him having enough testerone, need to think about that some more , do I have some fear when women are equal or more powerful than men, do I like the isai and Joyce types rather than vash, I tend to feel very jealous about vash, she is a fantastic earner/ entrepreneur, she’s bold and agressive like my dad and she’s sexually bold too.
Just as a small percentage of people are queer in society , I believe that a majority of women are wired for the men protector in society that we evolved from over 200, 000 years and the last 200 years have been changes but nowhere nearly enough where I feel its only a minority of women who are not subservient.
My dad used to tell me just tell women what you want, they want the same that we want , just be honest with them. When I had liquid confidence with alcohol I would practise that theory and in so many times, I would get the opportunity to go further. Like the door was open but it would shut when they saw the sweetheart real me.
