2 way prayer on mortgage and selling place.

 Dearest God, I'm a bit scared of next steps for mortgage and selling my place. If this is you will please let me know God, can you please tell me what to do next my dearest God. Please show me if buying a place here is the right thing to do. Please if it is the right way clear the path for me god and show me the way. If it isn't God then please show me that way too. I know the doors will be closed and I won't try to force them open dear God. Dear God, please help me with the day, please help me with the step work dear god and please lift the resentments I feel towards Gary. Please Please dear God, guide em to the path for an abstinent day. I'm so scared God. 

My dear dear dear boy, you are doing so well my love. Do your step work my love, put in the effort and guard your abstinence today with all your might and mine. You are loved loved loved dear precious one. Please feel that. Lots of love, God. 

2 way prayer lots of F bombs

Dearest God, what the fuck . So much pain God, back in the fucking food. Fight with sponsor, reaching out to a fellow and sharing and picking up the food, WTF?! WTF God? I’m really fucking tired of this shit. God really fucking tired! It’s not fucking fair. I just don’t know what the hell you want from me. Sleep deprived, cranky and I still don’t want to go back to normal sleep rhythm because I want these prayer meetings. I love the people in these meetings and I want the connection with you oh loving gentle God. Please help me God. I want a companion. I don’t want to be insecurely attached and feeling needy all the bloody time. Dear god, I want a secure, loving , trusting and reciprocal relationship. Please guide me to the next right step?

Dearest sweetheart, we are here, we love you and want to wrap our arms around you in a beautiful loving embrace. You are doing so great and we are so proud of y ou. It’s coming little one, it’s coming please trust me and let go of the worry and fear. Let it all go and be secure in my loving heart. We love and adore you and you are fine and beautiful as YOU ARE. Big hugs and kisses and love God.

2 way prayer to God thank you for your help with 2 days abstinence

Dearest loving God, thank you for the night of abstinence. My SLAA traits are kicking in God, I want to change but it just seems like so much. What the hell do I do in the stillness and the aloneness of the night. Lots of anger god, so much anger and resentment at people that cut me off and let me down but most all I’m angry at myself God. I am angry for all the stupid impulsive things I’ve done, especially when it comes to spending, so fucking painful god, so fucking painful, yuck!. Grateful that I found debtors anonymous, SLAA, ACA OA and FAA. 4 programs, working it God. No time to waste. I’m already feeling so fucking old at 48. Food programs come first. The positive is that I’ve been having a lot of connection with the zoom/phone meetings and the zoom meditations. Thank you God, please help me reach out to people god, ( you with skin on :) ). Please help me risk romantic rejection because the fear is so paralyzing God and the loneliness just kills me.

Dearest sweet precious love of mine, hello my boy, breathe my son. You are doing great! 2 days of abstinence. Yippee! We are so thrilled. I know it’s hard son, feeling your feelings and not giving into the food. Rest In Peace my son and fall in my loving shoulders and lap. Fall in my loving embrace, let yourself go my dear son. You are loved and protected. You are doing so great, we are on our way. Keep doing what you are doing, the gratitudes and the things done well checklists :) Reach out and talk to me when there are difficult moments , just like last night at the grocery store, you didn’t buy the chips!! YAY, so yay! All will be shown my dear son, all the best paths for you will be revealed. Trust in your intuition, it’s my direct connection to you.

Lots of love,

God.

2 way prayer - thank you for day 1 abstinence God

Dearest precious God, hiya thank you very much for the abstinence last night God. Thank you for the intuition and that crunchy safe snack I had at home. Instead of stopping for the chips and a binge [ Hannah told me that It would take 2 weeks for those cravings to go away] I’m so very grateful for the one night of abstinence . I was tired driving last night back but I am so grateful for visiting my friend and getting the edible to help me sleep and seeing the fall colours. I cried out for you yesterday God. I was so close to stopping at the fucking gas store and buying junk . [a pusher at every fucking corner] Aggh God is it always going to be this hard??

Dear sweet boy, breathe my son, let it out. First of all, you are welcome :) my boy and you are loved loved loved ! I am so happy that you got to see your friend and you made it back safely. About your question I don’t know boy. All I know is that I want to help you and guide you and I want to speak to the other HPs to make everyone’s life smoother. When you cry, I cry and when you laugh I rejoice little one. It’s coming little one, it coming my boy , breath in my peace my love and my tenderness.

God loves you :)

a letter to God, fear and despair

Dearest God, if you are there? :) spirit of the universe, beauty, love, joy, Jesus, christ, buddha, Krishna, luxe, yaweh, Allah, hello precious one. I love you and I want to follow you but I’m afraid of where you will lead me. I feel my life is so purposeless and I’m driven by fear. I so dislike injustice and poverty and I’m struggling to give myself permission to earn a decent wage, especially now that there is more government support. I am Scared god. Do I need to go on disability, please help me with this my current earnings is not enough for my living needs and I feel so very powerless and helpless to change it. Please help me with this and the chronic loneliness brings me so much fear and despair.

Dearest sweet son, I hear you and I’m so sorry that you are going through so much turmoil right now. It’s so very hard and I am so proud of you my boy. There is so much you are going through, so many disruptions and questions and I just want to hug you and tell you that it’s going to be okay! You are seeking help with debtors anonymous and soon with under earners. You can live within your means son. I know how hard it is to ask for help and the pandemic relief helped you so much as you struggled with your addiction recovery. You are still employed my boy, you are still getting some work even though it is not enough right now. BELIEVE in me and my power to open doors, trust me my boy. Take care of yourself, go to the doctors, get blood taken go to the employment center go and see what’s out there, you are not alone in this son, there are others who are struggling with depression, loneliness, anxiety and the ability to make a living. This too shall pass dear one. I love you so very much.

Dear God, i feel lonely and despair.

Dearest Loving God, yikes God, the last few days have been so hard with the cravings. Thank you God. Thank you for the abstinence. I’ve been picking up Porn and feeling extremely lonely as you know and it’s so very nice to have a reprieve from the absolute nightmare that is bingeing and body obsessing. Today is the convention in the other food fellowship. I’m happy with that. It’s where I need to be to participate God. So very happy about that. God am I going to be okay? Am I doing the right things if so why is it so very hard God and I why am I so so afraid when things don’t go well at work. Why do I feel so scared at disapproval God like a little child about to be punished. Surely it must get better than this. P.S. I love you God.

Dearest sweet boy. I love you too, so lovely to talk to you after a long time, it’s been over a week hasn’t it? So let’s Catch up. You are still loved my sweet boy, you are still guided and protected. You bring me smiles and make my heart sing. It’s okay little one, do not despair. It’s coming. What you want more than anything else is to feel love and comforted by another. That’s coming my boy. I see the sadness and the loneliness you go through every night and I want you to know that it’s coming my boy. It’s coming little one, please have peace knowing this. Do not despair my little one. I love you

prayer on handling family visit today.

Dear God, Thank you for the recovery from the sugar binge the previous night. Thank you, Thank you Thank you. I enjoyed the gym last night. The conversation with Juliana. She is a bit wild and weird, what the fuck not wanting to wear masks and talk. I did enjoyed the conversation and social interaction and also setting my boundary when I wanted to do my exercises. It was so so good! This is it God, in a few hours, I will get to see the family in old Montreal. I am so so scared of the enmeshment. Please be with me God, help me see the light and follow your guidance and your protection. This too shall pass right God. I am still so so hurt by them God, I feel abandoned still and there are some wounds that we never talked about. I just want to live my life in peace and not trying to please others at my own experience.

I know they will expect from me more than I am capable. Of giving and I told them that I had a hard time with nights because of my space. Now anoop and family is asking me to come visit. Fuck you and your religion God. I hate thanksgiving my mother is alone and I don’t want to rescue her. But I do feel compassion for my mother and her being alone. Please help me God.

Dear sweet child, thank you for reaching out to me my love. You are truly loved and heard and adored my beautiful child. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this my boy. I hear you are able Bodied unlike Baljeet ( so so sad, I just want you God on a sidenote to please let him be happy God.) but feel so trapped. I am here for you my dear child. Rest my boy it’s your weekend, it’s your day. It’s your time for recharging and for bettering your life everyday . It’s a gift my precious little one. I want you to feel loved and that you have lived my son. Rest and feel the love and joy that is so abundant in this world. Your family wants to see you and they miss you. I will guide you my precious child. I will guide you to your best outcome today. Love you lots GOD.

letter to God

Dearest God. I am not upset with you my dear father, I love you dearly. I’m so frigging upset that It’s taking so long to print out John’s piece of shit update of his fucking piece of absolute horse manure fucking laptop. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The reality god is I fucking hate life. I fucking hate life so fucking much. We are all going to die. And I feel so horrible about Baljeet so fucking horrible. Please god show me, help me please, take away this horrible fucking low grade of self worth that I feel. What the fuck God. What the fuck. Fuck it’s not supposed to be so fucking hard is it. Like I just don’t fucking get it. What does he have for

2 way prayer - on sponsor giving me advice re: dating and LGBTQ groups

 Dearest God, hello are you there. Please help me from myself. I'm so sick of the effects of night eating. When will I learn that it's not just the bag of popcorn that I am buying, it's the bag and then the bowl of this and that. I am an animal when I binge. I feel awful and I'm scared of seeing my family and showing my face. I don't looking at myself on zoom . People say oh I look healthy now after my 20lb weight gone . but I feel so damn fat. [Today dan said the book on body image is so good] and I'm so grateful to him because I already own the book. This is causing me so much pain and fear God, please please help me God. 

Dearest precious one, Breathe my brave son, 4-4-6 deep ujay breaths. Watching the celebration for 50 hit you so hard, I know my dear son. you have your life now [Diana said about her 56 year old little person who died and only had 2 years with his daughter but it was such a nice game changer for me it's possible to be a dad at 50 :)]. I want you to know that comparing yourself to others and seeing "how little you have to show for it" is a crock of shit. You are so dearly loved my boy by so many. That is how you measure yourself isn't it, it's not by things it's by how much love you have in your life. You are so very loved and adored. You make me smile my love :)

Please don't pay any more attention to what your sponsor said about you dating and being with other LGBTQ groups so you can meet a partner. Please follow your intuition on what's right for you and that will be the best action for your course. You are careful my dear boy and you do what you can handle while taking little risks and I'm so very proud of you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️🏄🏼‍♂️🔥🔥🔥. Keep smiling my dear son, let go of the wheel, trust in the autopilot. I will guide you. 

Love god. 

on Baljeet and his note to me

Dear God, I wish I didn’t respond right away to Baljeet when he told me he lost his legs and fingers and nearly died. I wish I was more gentle and loving and caring , he had not responded to me in a year God and I got excited. I hope he forgives me with the response and reaches out to me again. Why are relationships so hard God and why am I so misunderstood all the time. I know I responded partly based out of fear God. It’s so hard when my abandonment wounds are dragged. I really do try God, I really do try. I am not Bill Wilson, I remember how he would respond with such tenderness in his letters (telegrams)

Dearest son, oh sweet child of mine, love of my life. Rest please, give yourself a big hug today. You are loved and are loving. Baljeet’s email shocked you and he will forgive you and if he wants to he will come back to you. Let him be my son. I’ll put in a good mood for you to his Higher Power. MWWWWWAAAAAHHHHH

Take things one moment at a time my dear son, Ask for help from me. I will always guide you in a gentle and loving way and help you my dear son, you don’t have to do this alone.

2 way prayer Today

Dearest God, thank you for a night of abstinence and thank you God for your love and light. Today dear God, I’m worried about my double chin, I want to be able to fix the bike but I’m worried that it’s so fragile in the electrics and also that I won’t be able to put back on the covers. Please help me with this dear God. Dear God, my father and my mother and my best friend. I feel connected to you divine energy , force of good and purity and love in the world. You are Gold to me. About Isai and family and my weight gain, please please help me with this. The anxiety god I turn entirely to you for help my dear love. Grateful for FAA and OA and Aca and beautiful friends in program.

Dearest precious child, oh joy of mine, you are most welcome my love. I am so glad you had a night of reprieve from the bingeing. I’m sorry it’s been so hard with the fear my heart bleeds for you my boy. Rest and take it easy my love. This too shall pass, hasn’t it always my son. You are loved loved loved. I’m sorry your social circle is so small and you feel so lonely. I’m here my boy, I will never leave you, please don’t leave me. I’m so happy that you shared at the ACA meeting and chatted with Kim , am so very thrilled for you my love . You are Okay my love, you don’t have to please anyone except yourself. The world goes on without you so it’s okay to take time off and focus on being the best version of yourself. I will always love and support you. You will not have to face life alone anymore. I will never give up on you never ever. Please my dear boy, know and feel this.