Day 5!!

I am so very very grateful for another beautiful day of abstinence. i had to set some boundaries today with Joe and Jamie, about doing timed shares and it worked beautfiuly. I also had a very nice chat with Alex today. That felt really good to call him back and just have a nice chat without bitching. I feel some shame today about sleeping in and also just how little time in a day i do productive stuff. i guess it’s self care because addiction and withdrawal and cravings are hard. I’m trying to be so gentle and kind to myself.

I called the accountant and he said that he couldn’t help me but it was good to get the validation that i’m on the right track, do my taxes as a dividend and just get it done it also helps that I had some T4 income from Tim hortons , whew.

I’m very sad about my mom, i hope that she is loved a lot this christmas and that rodney will somehow arrange to have her and the kids get together. I guess my mom will continue to feel like the victim and there’s nothing i can do to change that. Okay, i’m off to make my dinner now. Geoff just called and that was really nice. I guess I can be hypersensitive, but i feel like a child learning how to respond or react to others. Let’s see what happens to the place being shown today.

food program getting abstinent

Today is day 4 of abstinence. i don’t want to jinx this, i’m worried that i can’t keep my emotions in check and I know that I’m too sensitive. It’s been really fucking hard with the cravings, I really do want to be clean, i just have to take this a day at a time, i know that I’m goign to be all over the place emotionally and I just need to call people. i hated what the sponsor said about not having coffee, so many fucking rules so many fucking rules, fuck you sponsor. Im angry, i got rage, its coming out of my pores, it’s okay krees, let it the fuck out, let if the fuck out. I don’t give a fuck. so much repression so much anger. It’s been really hard to deal with these cravings, 2 more days and i’ll be aroudn the corner, i’m glad I started when I did and I’m super glad that I opted for meal support. I want to cook and create some vegetables so i’m not just having meat. The walk today was fun, i really really enjoyed tossign up the ball and my ability to catch it, i think i want to get a mitt so that I can play catch. I’m so very grateful to be living close to a park, it’s so beautfiul the space and so good for mental health. I appreciated the share with Maple. i didn’t know she has only one son, i thought she had 2. so much stimulus, my head feels like it’s exploding sometimes. God damn.

today's ACA Journaling

It’s my 3rd day of abstinence from binge eating and I’m feeling really good today. It’s been a tough time with withdrawal and I need a lot of support at night and I’m trying to reach out for help but it’s hard to ask for help to trust that people can meet where i’m at without lecturing or shaming me. bascially people who are soft with the addict but hard on the disease. I am so hard on myself. I am so self shaming, self critical, self hating, so i don’t need that from someone else!!

I have a step study for ssexual anorexia in 45 mins. it can get tiring especially through the end of the chapter, it’s a lot of reading and intent sharing and listening. i will meet it where im at without pushing myself. After that it’s my depression and support group and it’s nice to be social. and then gym and then frank, it’s a lot of connection today. I really hope that i’m not overdoing it. i’m glad to get out though, going to the gym is nice and social and stress relieving for me. I want to do stuf that nourishes me and that doens’t take away from me. i’m still learning what that is, and i want to trust my intuition and instincts to let the things go that DONT nourish me. please i don’t have a lot of time to waste i just want to let this shit go.

It’s nice to write in pencil and paper. It flows better from brain to pencil to page. right now i’m transcribing on my mac , it’s nice cause i’m sitting on the couch doing this,so it feels very cool. and effortless. but it’s still hard to read my fucking writing, i wish i had the patience or rather developed the patience to write slowly and clearly but it’s too far gone. i know this and i don’t beat myself up over this. I’m feeling a bit raw. trying to sit with the feelings, mostly anger, sadness, resentment, overwhelemed, lonely. My sleep patterns are messed up. I’m mad at Frank, for always asking me for stuff and now I’m mad that I have to set this boundary with him. Tell him that you got to stop asking me to do stuff because I don’t want to take your calls. it’s important for me to not earn affection. Just call me because you geninuely want to talk to a friend and not because you need anything. I hate feeling used.

from the heart

 I am so upset at myself for giving into the food last night. I have so much anger in me today and I don,t know how to release it, so fucking tired of spending so much money on food. Want to love myself and not seek love and approval from others but I don't know how to and it's so very frustrating. i just can't do this. i feel like im unworthy of good things. i want to change the world and i have so much empathy for people on the streets, addicted homeless and suffering. I want to tone that down. i dont know why i keep going to the fucking food, i don't know why i feel so fucking empty inside. i just don't want to feel like this anymore. it's so fucking painful to work on myself so much and still fucking fail. I did a step study on my sexual anorexia in the morning , it's brillilant, deep stuff and I feel lucky to be able to do this with a fellow travller but boy it's so hard also because i had a friend come over and spilled my guts out to him about my sexuality, the religious persecution and constant rejection i experienced from my family. and little k, and Krees were so terrifed by this. I sent him and my cousin a message about my addiciton, depression and the struggles I have accepting my sexuality. right now there are about 2 men and 1 transgender woman who I trust and am learning to reveal all of me. Diane is very supportive. I just have to deal with prejudices and toxic masculinity, what does it mean to be a strong man. i don't think my gender or sexual preference defines that. I think my addiction and trauma has ravaged my life my defintion of self and self esteem. i,m so grateful that Ive managed to survive and WANT to live. i got a chance HP inspired to thank my psychiatrist who stood by me, gave me free samples for 6 months and put me on the right medication so that I level out and i don't feel the despair. Thats an awful awful place to be and my heart goes to myself for going thru that as well as to anyone else who suffers from that despair. Im just grateful that I had the willingness to get the help. I had to suspend my belief about OA and 12 step groups as the ONLY form of recvoery for eating disorder and spend time with a therapist that broke my bullimia patterns. a year of showing me scientifically how my body recovers just from food and moderate exercise like walking . and plotted over a graph over a year. Thats what it took, so it,s NOT once size fits all, recovery is a very personal process. I am so tired for looking to others for all the answers placing them on a pedestal and not trusting my HP my intuition and Trusting my inner kids andmyself. for doing the next right action for self care. 

On being Queer

Feeling lethargic today. I was abstinent from food binge yesterday, yay! Instead I turn to porn, fantasy and self pleasure. I don’t know the cravings for junk food is so fucking strong I need to numb out or distract in some way I feel. I am dealing with low body image. I hate the way my body looks and feels and that I have barley fitting pants, and I live mostly in sweat pants. Its okay Dear Krisen, it will and is getting better you dressed well today. I went to the gym yesterday, its a trainer that I admire and really like, there’s another cute guy who I like but he doesn’t give me the time of day, maybe he senses my gayness. My trainer said instead of being stuck why dont I express my bisexuailty by being femme gay one month and super hetero the next month. If only it was so easy and possible how, I dont know how to be anyone but not me and my fearfful self. Its really sad that I dont live in Uganda or republic of Georgia where they kill LGBTQ people I live in open montreal and lived near gay village Toronto but I put my own shackles, the society programming that says heterosexual is normal and homosexuality is sin and shameful , so so so shameful. I kissed a guy once and ùi was surprised that it was just like kissing a women, that really shocked me. Im spending a lot to deal with the loneliness. Im scared, I need to stop. I can handle it so far because of credit but I can’t fill the need for companionship and intimacy with gadgets, subscriptions and food. I bumped into a former colleague yesterday, it was so nice to have friends in this city. And friends who love me as I am.

my journal from Today's ACA meeting

I feel so tired today. Sugar fog from mini binge last night. Im glad I took care of myself by stopping off at motel instead of driving 3 more hours to montreal in night and sugar high. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I don’t like the weight gain, it was tough to see my sister and kids and reveal my weight gain, I felt so awkward, could feel them staring at me, what happened to the guy who had the six pack, wore a couple sizes lower and was obsessed with exercise. I’m still here, just giving in to my emotional pain and anxiety and the isolation was oh so hard. It was so nice to get hugs long hugs from my niece and nephews and even my sister and bro in law. They are so loving, they’ve seen me through the very worst and still love me no matter how I look. I know that its conditional love thought, like fish I start to wreak after a few days and then im taken for granted again and their abuse starts. Im only loved because they haven’t seen me for long and I have my own indpendence. I don’t need them like I did before for my survival and then my sister couldn’t wait to get rid of me and continue with her life. She justified it on God, she has faith in God, but really it was my mom who helped me, the closest to unconditional love that I Have, and im grateful for her, even if there is so much that I can’t tolerate. I feel so guilty that I went to Toronto, saw my sisters family and didn’t see my mom. My brother in law rubs it in and I hate him for that, all of a sudden his mom is a saint because she died and I remember conversations when all he did was yell at her. So stop your hypocrisy thinking that you had the perfect happy clappy christian family. I spent the week working in an office doing IT work, it was nice but intense and I wasn’t used to doing that type of focused work for hours, I did enjoy what I was doing though. There’s of course a nagging part that I don’t deserve the coporate office job, I don’t deserve the beautiful condo and I don’t deserve to be happy when so many people are suffering. I don’t know if that will ever leave me. It was hard seeing the homeless and addicts in Toronto. I just feel so much guilt, that’s why I identify with christian catholic flogging. my niece said she studied Adam and eve in her bible studies, here is a talented well educated future doctor and a feminist and she believes in that and being gay is a sin . Uggh I will never understand and I feel like I have to be my false self around them. So happy to have my own world in montreal, I absolutely loved the beauty of Lake Ontario and all my favourite spots and coffee shops and people who recognized me and genuinely happy to see me, miss that so much in montreal and im grateful to have a couple close friends who accept me as I am. My therapist said its okay to be happy to be back home and remember why I moved to montreal and it was a good move. And I don’t need to have black and white thinking about that. Im grateful for that. I spent so much of time trying to keep the condo clean because it was being shown to potential renters, I learned new appreciaion for having a clean place with everything put away and I hope I can declutter and ask for help in my Montreal place. It was so so nice to walk into a place that was so well organized with a beautiful view, I really did feel so luxurious. I try not to attach to things but it was a part of me that I had forgotten about and even tried to kill and suddenly for this past week it all came back to me. Maybe thats a gift from my higher power. I still have to process that.

Letting it Go..My Share at the ACA meeting this morning.

I just did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and very grateful I had a good breakfast. Yesterday was spent recovering. Just working off the sugar binge and I was grateful to be able to meet the commitments for the morning and basically just passed out due to the sugar fog hangover. I can still feel the withdrawal from relationship with my mom and the False self I guess. I read again the hitting bottom chapter 4 of ACA BRB. And how it talks about secondary addictions. I guess its like the dustbin lids or the wackamole with regards to addiction. i really don’t know how ACA BRB expects us to put the food down first because the trauma and false self is what leads to step 1 unmanageability for me. I appreciate having both the hard copy book and the audio book. I feel that what lift me out of low mood sometimes. Its a few days 3 before the condo becomes vacant. I’m just going to do the actions and promote it and work with agent. And keep lowering price. I just have a feeling that things will take care of itself with regards to the condo. There’s always the option that I can put it up on the market. I feel scared today, I dont was to feel those pains of grief of anxiety. I just get this pit in my stomach, like when the plane deceds suddenly or going down on a rollercoaste, when that happens all I want to do is numb out and I go to the junk food. Because I know the food soothes and calms me down and satiates me. I also get very bored with the food especially dinner and cannot deal with the food is just for nutrition not for pleasure. Argh. I was honest with my cousin today, he asked me to be complicit in his cheating. I told him I dont feel comfortable with that because I have a relationship with his wife. She said okay and sounded dissapointed. Setting a boundary with other people may make them hurt or angry and I risk being abandoned or in other words the relationship ending but I know that Its not my responsibility to take care or manage other peoples feelings. I can try it and believe that statement for the moment. Theres been some higher power coincidences happening like a power outage that forced the IT bully to change the infrastructure . He called it we were lucky but I just took it as a sign to not worry about things, higher power is revealing its self. But I just wanted to say Fuck you Denis the menace. It taught me a good lesson on how many chances to give people. But people reveal themselves early and I can learn how to discern. I dont have to forgive them, I just forgive myself and ask HP to steer clear from these sick people. I dont even need to pray for them. Thats their higher powers responsibility and its arrogant.

Todays ACA journaling

I had a bit of creative energy and inspiration today, I created a god box and pinned out inspiring artwork and wrote god is love on the bow. Now looking at higher definition video from youtube, its nature and very calming and beautiful. Reading is so helpful today and need to hear it. Have stuggled with weight gain, and bingeing at night. Not very happy with myself living in fear of condemnation from food programs. Very very scared that ill be told im a failure and if nothing changes nothing changes, which I know is true but I also feel is criticism. Very scared to send off invoice today, afraid that they will question it. I have support from accountant and founder but MD says I should round down which I will look at doing today. Im tired of being dependent on this client, I hate having this fear. I did a dishonest thing by rounding up my work because I didnt want to increase my rate which I’ve never done in 5 years. So im going to try and sus out my value by trying out other clients and putting estimates. I know that this current client is happy with my work and the results and support I give them. I feel like they just don’t want to pay for it.

I say a prayer when I send an invoice, I ask God for help that client receives it the same spirit that I did the work which is of joy and gratitude and genuine desire to help them find value with what I do. I have made good progress with my taxes and catchup up on the other client. I’m so grateful to have a second client, it helps my self and esteem and makes me take myself seriously as a small business owner. I get the critic voice a lot saying im kidding myself and I should just get a job like everyone else. Maybe I will but ill do that part time and keep the business going. I went to movie theatre yesterday and got popcorn and spend more money than i should. No joy from the movie and I left early and felt empty inside. I also stopped at a coffee shop, had a bit of fear around the younger woman there, cared what they thought about me, do they just see me as a creppy old guy, have to do some SLAA work. I started catching up on the taxes work and the despair left me. Today is lockdown for another month, I wanted to take advantage of sitting in a coffee shop while I can. Itès going to be a big month for me to find a tenant in toronto and im going to get a chance to stay there for a week, while I look for a tenant, im really looking forward to it, gonna be a nice break.

A difficult morning

I feel so fucking weak today, feeling self hatred . i feel fear, I asked for the $20 i filled gas in a whatsapp, and Im afraid that he thinks im cheating him because I didn’t mention when he asked how much it costs. why do i take responsibility for these motherfuckers feelings, so much caretaking, i’m soooo fucking tired of it. I binged last night on sugar and peanuts. i waste so much money on food, i hate this part of me. money I do not have. i feel so much shame about my wasting money of food. I when i binge shop i don’t even look at the prices and i tend to buy the big sized stuff. Aggh. deep breath teen K, i know you are angry as fuck, today we will hit the weights and let off some of that steam. It’s OOOOKKKKK. i need to stop watching the news, it’s fueling my anxiety and anger. Fear so much fear. My friend just acknowledged that he will pay me for the gas. Thank you Krees, im so proud of you and I’m so glad i listened to you. I went to get starbucks coffee, shared at the FAA meeting and i reached out to my FAA sponsor. I see how i go to shame hits and relive painful thoughts, i notice that I want to access them. maybe because its familiar. today i felt shame at an FAA share and i called it out and reached out to my sponsor and he was very kind and loving and i let it go. This is a new skill i’m noticing, and that mantra, i made a mistake, i’m not a mistake. i know why i don’t want to make mistakes, theres been so much shame in me acknowledging my weakness and making mistakes. i see my false self, wanting to portray the stoich, no tears, no fear, wear that mask everyting is fine outside and inside i’m falling apart. Theres even a just for today in OA, my feelings will be hurt but i will not show it…what the fuck?!

Amazing aca discussion today

I told Julia about my boring self care resources

Gary mentioned healing the shame that binds book

Dan mentioned JADE which means 

I don't need to 

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

My thoughts or beliefs or viewpoints or requests or response to requests

Patricia Ann said in the beginning just set my boundary and if I need to make amends later I can. It's a feeling and I need to honour my feelings.

I asked Gary about not feeling selfless and feeling the shame succh good validation.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Todays ACA journaling

Its a better morning. I binged on peanuts and fried chicken last night. Thankfully, I bought smaller quantities and did not go down to the convenience store In my building last night. i feel so sad that I missed my sisters call, she’s older by me 2 years and she was my substitute mother for a few years when no parents around. Its not spiritual food I ate last night. I against cruel treatment of animals and factory farming. cest la vie. Do the best I can. The food program is hard. Need to prepare in advance but food for nutrition and not for comfort I’m having a hard time getting used to. I’m often in emotional pain. Offered yesterday to lend another addict some money. Money I don’t have. Im trying to solve his problem rather than taking care of myself. In reality I wanted a different version of him. I hate his neediness, reminds me of my own. And he doesn’t want to the do the ACA work, keeps making excuses. I’m so angry that he readily accepted help. 3rd person I’ve offered large for me (sums of money too) why do I write cheques I cant cash. I gave the absued LGBTQ lady from Costa Rica money I cannot even remember her name. I gave my cousin the addict the money, he didn’t even say thank you. I feel so used by all these people. The lady checks on me all the time, I met her in the depression support group at the church. My cousin has his father and mother who can bail him out. Why do I do this I am getting into debt for these people. I can’t buy love. I want to give emotional support and money to parasites so they won’t leave me. Please please stay. I hated myself yesterday I hated my weakness. Today I told the guy that I need to take care of myself the next few days. It seems like its a long road to travel every I feel guilt about my mom and that she may never change and my sisters that they dont change and it breaks my heart. I feel like an orphan from family of origin. I am such a different person. I asked HP God for help today, help me know you in whatever forms is right for me. Im struggling with religion, yesterday the guy outside walmart saying Jesus loves me and I read the pampleth and he said we are sinners. Does that mean defects. I’m so confused. I cannot do this alone.

Dazed and confused

 Been a while since i used this title. I feel so out of it today. I had a Binge last night. Agggh, feel like shit and i don’t like how my belly loooks like umm a belly. I’m relaxing by listening to calming music while drinking Starbucks coffee, okay there’s a contradiction. I had to send an email about an IT initiative and I’m so scared. The owner wants me to be more proactive and take it on but i just don’t have the server administration skills to do this. I’ve tried multiple times but its not my interest and i end up procrastinating things. I guess, its a good sign that if I’m procrastinating something, it’s a shoulda versus i wanna. Taken me so long to realize, right now the shoulda’s are. I should learn French. There’s a part of me that want’s to and i enjoy speaking it when i do, but i feel so insecure and low esteem that I always err on the let’s do English instead. 

It’s been very humbling to have to deal with plumbing issues. And to face my grief so many feelings come up and the hardest thing is now what the hell do i want in this thing called life. What do i want in terms of love, making an income etc. I am clinging less to IT as my identity and recognizing strengths in other area, i won’t be defined by the things i can’t do but the things i can and that is my strength, I’m going to be honest about this because lying to myself really does suck. 

visit to a jewish cemetery

It is a massive and humbling place . 60,000 units and some older than a 100 years wow. 

So fucking scared today

I wore my pride mask today and was insulted by this hairdresser, who is from Tunisia, i guess I need to comply if i don’t want the attention, am i seeking negative attention, i don’t really fucking know. I’m just scared every time i wear that damn mask, and today didn’t help. I keep expecting to get gay bashed. I can’t imagine how openly gay and trans people deal with the anxiety, it must be so constant. As it is, i have PTSD from bullying and being an adult child. So I’m not super comfortable in public but I’m really getting a lot lot better i guess, as i get older, I’m so used to fucking being alone so what’s the harm if i wear this pride mask and announce my sexuality to whomever i encounter. One fucking encounter and now I’m super hyper vigilant. Does it get easier. David said i need to find my tribe. I guess i will. 

Peace and love

Krisen

dear Mom

I am angry and sad that you reached out to me yesterday and told me that you are accepting that you are alone and we are going on with our happy lives. I hate your self pity and I am angry at you for not dealing with your issues. Mom, you lump me in with isai and vash but I am the one who spent a year and a half with you living with you in the 1 bedroom place and then in the basement apartmetn. you helped me tremendously while i was recovering from terrible depression and dealinng with my addictive behaviours. I am sorry for all the fighting and all the verbal and emotional abuse i lent on you. I am sorry for trying to change you and not accepting you as you are. I truly truly want your happiness. I want you to be free and feel loved and give love and feel truly grateful to be alive and live for this day. I want you to experience all the blessings and joy in this life and feel free to enjoy the remainder of your days in bliss, peace and love. I want this for you mom.

how i feel today.

I was on a meeting today and i unmuted while peeing, whoops, i felt a bit of shame but i wasn’t shamed and I’m grateful that people have short memories, i’m so tired of this slow ass phone, but i’m grateful it has 2 lines. right now the fire alarm is going off. I’m listening to a woman on the call who loves to talk, and this asshole who keeps coming up and intimidating people with his long ass rants, I just leave the call after. These fuckers don’t like to time themselves. Ahhh bless and release. take what I need and leave the rest, i know i’ve got some moral superiority here but I just wish that people would play fair, everyone else times themselves. why can’t these fuckers. I’m so very grateful to be journaling on this mac on this computer. Today I spoke with Perry’s friend, Aly, he asked if i was coming out and I told him yes. I don’t know what that means, well maybe it’s i bought a bride pride mask and i’m proudly wearing it. in the beginning I felt scared and now well if i’m bullied or gay bashed it’s going to happen anyway, i might as well let that be for who i am. Man this fire alarm is still going on. So i slept on the floor last night, i was sooo very lonely and i was scared about slipping into an oblivion of isolation, today I will change that, i will go to the gym so that I can at least be in the presence of people, it’s so hard though. I have so much sadness in my eyes, I feel very lonely and alone.

The guy on the call said he’s incapable of asking for help and I so relate to that. i so so relate to feeling lonely and not being able to reach out and ask for help. I so relate to getting used to the chorus in my head of being alone and listening to my voice complain about loneliness and not having the answers. replaying all the times i’ve run, all the failed relationships, all the brutal crushes that caused me so much pain and anxiety. i look at myself with compassion, i’m trying to acknowlege the critic voice in me, try harder, do better, CHANGE….but i realize that I’m just trying to be and look after myself the best that i can.

So much like my dad watch sports and love it. He watched cricket I think it's shit but I know he liked all sports

I feel so good to have some time off, period no justification for taking time off so grateful for just having the rest.

Love the gadgets I have the maccbooks the pcs the ipads the phone the camera. I'm so content with my possessions the TV the air conditioner

Everything about this feels so good. And I'm lonely as fuck. But I feel so rested. The call center drained me. 

The work I'm doing now feels so nice, I'm in a middle of a pandemic and I so appreciate the space to just be. I want our society to be more caring and help others. I want us as a species to love each other. I can be vegan. I can appreciate me.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

My OA sponsor shared this quote with me

 I am a strong, confident, disciplined child of God. I am established today in the awareness that my body is the temple of the living God. All the functions of my body are harmonized, and every organ is doing its perfect work in a perfect way. I am receptive and responsible this day to the divine intelligence within me which knows the needs of my body temple. I will eat sensibly, exercise regularly, and rest sufficiently. I am free from hidden hungers that might lead to excess in eating or drinking. God's love deep within me satisfies my longing heart and fills my soul and body with all that they require to make my life full and complete. My appetite and assimilation of food are in divine order, and my body manifests the symmetry and perfection of God whose expression I am. I see myself in the mirror of Truth, beholding the perfect, ideal form and shape that I desire to express in my body. I see myself thin and healthy and satisfied. Today I will think thin!

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Encounter with a bully

Please God help me express the words with honesty and humility fromm my heart not my head.

I'm so afraid of people places and situations

I just came from the second ccup ccoffee shop. I went to the shop from across the street from where I parked. As soon as I parked the security guard was stalking me, I had my ipad and keyboard in hand and when I saw him I turned back towards him and walked to the tim hortons located in the plaza. I knew he was stalking me. Sat in the tim hortons but didnt like the ambience and then decided to walk out when the guys back was turned but he caught me and started following me. And I stopped and waited at the intersection and he pulled back and then I crossed the street and then he came after me. And told me that if I leave he would tow the car, I was pissed I told him that I'm just going to grab the ccoffee and come back and he said no. So I defiantly said tow the car. And I rushed into the second cup and I was scared of my car being towed and I was panicking and yelled out at them. Guy in front of me said he was in line and I told him I'll wait for him and then he let me go through he saw I was panicked.

Rushed back and guy just walked away from my car and said next time, he took down my plate maybe he's going to call the tow truck next time I'm there. I don't know. I'll talk to the IGA manager. And tell him about the situation..

I shared at ACA that I was defiant and then I was so scared. It really hleped me the sharing today and reading was gold. I love the after meeting of ACA it's such a nice intimate group. The guy that shared Dan is superb..said he's a dragon, not inside the box of the world and it's okay to be unique  and he's got spiritual flesh ‎which noone can see.

Off to the gym.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Despair

I took my medication today. Thank you god. Last night during my binge I felt so gross I felt so uncomfortable..so angry of having to work and hating calling customers. So very angry. Called Pallavi and we read big book and I shared I feel like shit absolute shit and it's where I'm at. I hate myself and I fucking hate others..people who have it together. Fuccck them. So angry, so tired.

Inner child isolation, learning to trust and get out there.

Adult learning to stop action, and listen and embrace spontaneity

Sugar drunk today. Feel diabetic eyes are so tired and itchy.

Fuck everyone. Made some good breakfast abstinent now. Rice and chicken and beans from swaraj so very grateful. Following FAA food plan. Joel olsteen helpful today. Giving of myself. Acting like a miracle for others. God gives strength as we give others our strength and love. Nice message. It works.

I don't know how the fuck I survived work. So angry and just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

So good to get a paycheck and cover the rent this month. Lovely.

2 days of rest thank you god

Scared about bank account dwindling on business side.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Despair

I took my medication today. Thank you god. Last night during my binge I felt so gross I felt so uncomfortable..so angry of having to work and hating calling customers. So very angry. Called Pallavi and we read big book and I shared I feel like shit absolute shit and it's where I'm at. I hate myself and I fucking hate others..people who have it together. Fuccck them. So angry, so tired.

Inner child isolation, learning to trust and get out there.

Adult learning to stop action, and listen and embrace spontaneity

Sugar drunk today. Feel diabetic eyes are so tired and itchy.

Fuck everyone. Made some good breakfast abstinent now. Rice and chicken and beans from swaraj so very grateful. Following FAA food plan. Joel olsteen helpful today. Giving of myself. Acting like a miracle for others. God gives strength as we give others our strength and love. Nice message. It works.

I don't know how the fuck I survived work. So angry and just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

So good to get a paycheck and cover the rent this month. Lovely.

2 days of rest thank you god

Scared about bank account dwindling on business side.

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Check in

I really don't know what else to call this post. I missed work today. I felt the fog and then I talked with anthony and then frank and yanis so it's really was a shame filled and sometimes terrifying day for my inner. Grateful to connect with cirrus and setup a fact finding session with Ben on Monday morning. So there it is. I'm in montreal, all I want to do is have some part time love. I'm going thru grief and I feel terribly sad all the fucking time. I am not happy with my belly but I must trust that I'm eating the right portions and let go of everything else. God please help me get through this.

Here's a cool video I took of my training yesterday 

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a journal entry from my ACA meeting.

I feel frustrated that I binged on peanuts last night. ..that I can't just sit with myself and enjoy my own company..that I can't do spontaneous things because I don't know what to do or I'm too tired to do anything other than numb out with food.  I feel like my inner child is playful and adventurous and wants to be loved but he is so sad and so lonely and doesn't know how to fill the void or express the sadness and despair sometimes.

My inner child feels completely betrayed by my inner parent . I don't want to always reach for food to break the loneliness but it's all I know how to do.  It is so very hard and draining 😔
I want to let out the tears of all the loss I felt..of my youth..of my dad passing away..my fractured family. I want to feel the unconditional love that my inner child deserved and rarely received.  I want to feel the stability of love and someone to have my back when I make a mistake or fall on my ass and helps me back up.  I wish I can stop abandoning my inner child through binge eating and adore and cherish him for the absolute beauty he is.

update

I've missed my updates. Im writing this on my new MacBook that has a French keyboard which is so bloody annoying but at the very least the keyboard works, after apple has fixed it. Its also a model up for me and I really appreciate that. I'm at the comfort in hotel, its been a really crazy couple days, I missed work yesterday and I binged on friday night because I came into the hotel and I binged again last night. I was told to find my own place because swaraj is worried about me. And I wasn't prepared for this, I feel used and neglected. I did some reading with Pallavi, she helped me see that this could be a blessing from my higher power because she was causing me a lot of stress. 

I'm leaving this place roughly at 2pm and then I'm going to go to swarajs place to pick up the rest of my stuff. 

been a while since wrote

It’s been a while since i wrote and I’m really grateful to have survived another week. I’ve been feeling very lonely and I’m grateful that D called, I’m really attracted to her, i like the way she listens to me and I know she views me as a friend but I think i love her, i’m just not sure in what way, she has also set some boundaries with me so I can love her while I talk with her and just look elsewhere, I don’t know what I’m really trying to say, I’m just so incredibly fucking tired.

I was happy to make some sales today, It was so slow when I just did one up to 3pm and then after i did 3 in a row and then I just konda stopped because I was tired. I’m okay with my performance today and most of all, I am very happy that I was able to help Frank with his V21 issue, i like how i knew what autoresolve was and I like how i was able to just think through the issue and do it. I was very close to buying some junk today at the gas station, i knew that I just needed some time to recjarge, I wasn’t sure what I needed, i ended up playing some music and that really really helped me. I aslo got a text from Carly and that also helped. So i just needed to unwind.

I just feel so tired now. my room is a mess, tomorrow I’m really really looking forward to my OA meeting :) i’m also looking forward to connecting with some cool people, like just bringing my head up from the busyness of life recently. and cleaning my room ,going to the gym and maybe just checking out some apartments. I was asked by D if i’m coming back to Toronto and I said that I’m going to be here for a year and see how things go. So that is that. i’m going to eat some chicken curry and rice and think of my mom now. Amen.

It's been a while

Its my second full week at work. The last 2 days have been good sales days. It's been hard when I haven't been abstinent and I often have to take break between calls. I'm really grateful for the abstinence. Last night I wanted S not to lock the door so that I could reach for food. I really have a brain that wants me to use and get my fix. Maybe my inner child who is a fucker. The other one. Not the beautiful playful sensitive one. S has been very paranoid she wants to stay home and not get out. I don't blame her..it really has the power to kill her.

I often feel self pity and I often feel trapped in the job. I hope that it gets better. I really just want to focus on being a consistent performer without killing myself. I don't know what else to say. On the personal front, the loneliness has been very very hard. It's just food and numbing out on netflix. I like the interaction at the gym that keeps me going.

My calf muscle has not been troubling me but today my calf and knees are troubling. I'm not going to toronto this weekend and I'm going to enjoy my time in montreal. Catch up on rest and sleep Friday night. Krisen out

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Feeling sad

I miss A, I miss her so much. When I found out that it was announced  I'm in montreal and she probably heard,.I wish she had contacted me. ‎I don't know what else to say other than I can't get closure with her and I'm starting to hold her on a pedestal. There's a part of me a big part that wants to forget but I'm not sure how to.

It was a lovely day, the church group was amazing and I liked standing up for myself.

I reached out to my mom.

And I'm driving back to start my new job and life and I know that I just need to take it day by day.

Happy with dave and the meeting.

Really attracted to Dominica.

Okay with sleeping and watching homeland was nice.

It was nice to chat with nick and to hear the podcast recommend by terry.

I'm tired because I had interrupted sleep.

Toronto visit was actually nice and low stress.

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Driving to toronto

Well here we go again. I binged last night and I feel the hangover of such ‎a binge. It was awful it was a bag of popcorn from kernels store. Cheddar popcorn and then ate bout 5 square of apple crumble and then a LOT of cashews fuck fuck fuck. I felt horrible this morning and I got up at 5am and went to the gym. So that was that. 

Right now I'm driving to Toronto. I just attended an online OA meeting and I shared that I was struggling and that really helped. I'll do some journaling later. This is just an update. My sister just sent me a text and asked me where I would be staying and I kinda regret telling my niece that I'd be coming down. I feel sick, mentally and physically and I really just want to isolate. 

I'll turn this over to God and see what happens, I'm in their hands. God help me please.

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yearning and pining for Love

I bought an audiobook, "how to break your addiction to a person"  From the very time I met A in program i fell in love with her, aw of her and started to google her when I got her last name. I am embarrased to admit this and I knew where she emigrated from and I pretended I did not know. I was so enamored with the attention she gave me, the texting on a daily basis, in the beginning i was annoyed by the frequency of texts and then I got used to it, the idea that someone so young and attractive could be interested in me. And then she told me she loved and adored me and I took it the wrong way, why wouldn't I. and so once I knew she "loved" me, i started to embrace her and fantasize about a relationship with her, meeting her family and even having a kid with her someday.

 It all came crashing down when i made a comment about her treating her dog like a kid and she told me how it's the thing she thinks about the most and how she wants to have a kid so badly. And then I told her how there are times I wish i wasn't born and i had 10 years of therapy etc. And that's when it changed. And when she said she thinks a kid will help her recover, i knew that it was over for me, because the thought of having a kid with her terrified me. Like another Nasreen, it would be her family, her way. I didn't even have a chance. i wish there was more physical intimacy, i feel completely short changed and I'm still pining over her and remembering her every day. Moving to montreal hasn't changed that. It has caused me much suffering and I listened to a podcast today how suffering really sucks but it is what it is. There's no romanticizing it, it just fucking sucks.

 I felt incredibly low and unloved today. I did take my medication and I did feel better after going to they gym. Part of my infinite loop mind is my attraction to men and I feel so afraid to pursue it and my sexual attraction to women. When I shared this at an Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, an older guy came up to me and said he doesn't envy me the struggles i'm going to have.
Today at an OA phone meeting there was a lovely lady who  shared about how difficult life is and she can't imagine living another 25 years till she turns 90 like her folks. She talked about working a 12 hour shift at customer service and how tired she gets and how irritable she gets with the customers after hour 8 I just thought that is so very grueling, and then i realize my job that I start is going to be 7.5 hours of cold calling customers and trying to get them to buy Rogers products and that scares me shitless also, it is what it is. I bought an audiobook and i'm going to practice this shit. and pray and hope for the best.

Much love,
K

day after chocolate binge

I was feeling very lonely last night. I turned to my comfort, House episodes and chocolates and I opened the garage door and snuck out and got the chocolates from my trunk and snuck back in. I was afraid that I’d wake up swaraj but she was fast asleep i think. Those chocolates were not mine, they were meant for the guy who cleared the snow. I thought I could keep it in the trunk so i wouldn’t get it, but I knew that it was my insurance policy. I had the first one, then the second, then the next and was so very dissapointed when it finished. This all while keeping the lights closed so that I wouldn’t be able to see what i was doing. i wanted it to be dark and unconcious that act that I did so often from the age of 13 when I numbed out with television watching and chips just to face the loneliness and painful feelings of despair and puberty and shyness and social anxiety. I dunno what that 13 year old was feeling but he was so lost. After the chocolates finished I snuck back up and got some peanut butter from the fridge, this was to replace the peanut butter that I’d already eaten and i was hoping swaraj would not see me and I snuck down the stairs and missed a step and my arm hit the door handle and i had the thought too myself, i’m doing this for my fucking fix. I woke up with sugar high/hangover and was immediately grateful that i hadn’t finished too much of the peanut butter, my stomach would have been gutted if I had, so it would have been a double wammy of upset head and tummy. I just listened to some meditation which was custom made for me by my hypnotherapist in south africa, it’s tied so much with my adult self talking to my child self and encouraging him for self love and turning the signals on in my brain for confidence and self esteem and today I put up truth and courage to face what i want.

I was very saddened still about A. i miss her so much and when I think of her so see her in videos I feel so sad. I go there once in a while , thank god it’s not daily like it used to be. A are you thinking about me when i think about you, have you forgotten me, was it easy for you when we stopped talking, are you upset with me because of my broken promises and the shitty things i said when I was desparate. I wish you well, i don’t wish harm for you. There are times i really wish you never came into my life. I always think about showing up at a meeting with you and then i think about how i’ll still be attracted and longing for you and I know that i’m scared to face that situation. I have to remind myself whey i didn’t respond to your last text and I have to remind myself that I really didn’t know you. that who you were in person and text was different from that person on email and i really fell in love with that person. Also i have to remind myself that you really turned me on. and I would have been a slave to you like i was to nasreen. I don’t like my life right now. I don’t like my age, my loneliness, my aches and pains and what i do with this addiction. I really fucking hate it.

a difficult time today

I ate my sandwhich today at 6pm, it was my dinner that i prepared and i’m grateful for preparing it rather than buying lunch which i cannot afford. I really don’t want to go into debt. I only have to take care of myself but I also have been having a hard time with the transition. This afternoon after lunch I went to do some more job hunting in the basement and then I stumbled accross a video that made me tear and very sad, It was the lady who’s famous naked child body was shown as she was burnt with the bomb in vietnam, it was horrific and i felt so sad. i also felt so sad when she said she wanted to commit suicide and she found jesus and I felt like I’m so far from getting the faith that she has, but she talked about the new testament, not the old. Sooo I just keep plugging away at spirituality the best way I can. I reached out to a couple people but no luck and i felt even loneliner, i kept asking God to kill me because I have intense sadness but can’t shed tears and I don’t know how to let it come. I got to an OA meeting online and shared and this helped me greatly with conneciton. Actually the nap that i took helped refreshed me and get me up. i also felt like a loser because my 87 year old roommate was out learning how to play cards and here i was depressed and napping because i was just overwhelmed by the sadness. My mom also texted me so that set me off too.

When I got to the starbucks, I connected with a guy i knew and i told him that I wanted to change my name to Neo..he got it, asked if I was the chosen one. I said better than Krist or Kristen. I did a lot of reading and what I read was enlightening, it was a new book that I got as a recommendation from Jerry Wise, it’s called “Backbone Power, The science of saying no” I like it a lot and soemthing struck me about how an addict is a master manipulator and leach onto to people pleasers to get their needs met. An addict needs tough love. It immediately got me thinking about how i really wanted to get on my own two feet and not live off swaraj. That really bothers me. I pray that I can be disciplined to put job hunting first no matter what.

good things today

I helped a lady move her car today. as i drove in, i saw that she was having a hard time coming out and i knew that she needed help. I went to her and started guiding her but she was struglling. then she came out of the car and asked me if i could move it, and i told her that I would get my scraper and then she took it and she started scraping. i got into her car and i looked behind me and I saw her daughter sitting in a child seat, she must have been about 6. i said hi to her and she didn’t say anything, she just looked at me. The lady then came to me and told me there was a rear view monitor in the car and I just told her to clear the other side of the rear view mirror. The lady was muslim and was wearing a hijab. I then proceeded to move the car closer to the right and then i had an idea that i was going to swing out carefully without trying to hit the car to the left of me. i did that and i gently guided the car out, coming ever so close to the car to the left of me without actually hitting it and then as I reverssed i could see the car in the rear view mirror and then i backed up the car at an angle and when i was clear, i moved the car forward and then got out. the lady thanked me and i went off. I was so happy with myself. i didn’t need to tell anyone because i was doing it out of the genuine kindness of my heart as so many people have been kind to me.

I attended an OA meeting and I was the only guy there, i noticed a beautiful young latina woman and I was visibily aware of her. i also saw a newcomer and i sat next to her, there was Bronia who was lovely to see, she is always such a calming presence and she told me to come on Tuesday. I got many hugs and I especially liked hugging the older lady next to me and the newcomer. I felt very positive about the experience, prior to that i called anoop and we connected so that was really nice also. Swaraj is having doug over for dinner and I so just want to cancel and not be sociable but I realize that it’s important for me to chat with others and practice my social skills, i have been very inwardly focussed and i know that my mind can be a dangerous place to be.