dear god 2 way prayer today

Dear God

Hello, how are you its been a while. Thank you for sheoung me the way. I felt so much hurt when I was turned down by the lalord for the parking space and then relaizing the ebike was too big to fit in my place.. and then the self loathing god . Why god I can be so brutal on myself. Living life with the critic. I get it . I'm not surpose to progress and have fun. I should increase my earning and I hope this can be done with this purchase. I don't fucking know sometimes. If I'm just kidding myslef. More toys more distractuisn so I don't face my inner tumroil and sadness and lonesliens and all my fears of and regrets on what's passed and. How I've not jumped in after nasreen. So much loss opportunities god. So much pain and hiding in my food addiction. So awful god.  Where do I go next. 

My  dear ❤️ boy child if mine love of my life. Rest my boy and be gentle my son love you like I do. If only you see what I see my dear love. Dear sweet love. Be ever so gentle with yourself. All will be revealed. You're doing the best you can. And I'm not going to be the military leader you want and expect. Rest easy my boy. Rest in love. Rest in power. You are truly truly adored my boy and loved beyond this planet and beyond the universe. 

Love and the biggest bear hug ever

God

2 way prayer meeting today

 Dear God, I'm just so fucking angry today. So let down by you and I feel so lonely today God and I hate that I use porn and reach for food to deal with the loneliness. I'm so tired of always feeling like I'm defective. The blowback from my Facebook comment and then my sister reacting to my comment by putting me in social media Jail I"m tried of the fucking destruction my anger is causing. I'm tired of trying to control the outside fucking world. I'm tired of wanting the world to love me when I feel so much of turmoil within. I feel like all the crutches that I've had are being thrown away and now I have to deal with me, myself and I and it is so very scary God. So very frightening and real, what the hell God. 

My dearest sweet child of mine, Breathe, take in your breath and breathe, all will be okay my son, all will be fine. you are so very loved and anything is possible. I'm so sorry you are feeling frustrated and lonely. I'm so very very sorry. I know you dislike the constant boundary setting from your mom and caretaking feelings. Breathe my son, let it out I'm here for you. I will not leave you, ever! You've had a wonderful social week. You deserve to be happy my love. You deserve to be free from food addiction and you deserve a partner who is light and has worked on themselves. Trust that this person will show up in your life as you find your own inner peace my son. I know it is hard to see it now but it is coming dear one, I promise you. 

Lots of love God. 

2 way prayer meeting today

 Dear God, what the fuckity fuck Man. Thanks for the abstinence last night. one day feels so good, so so good!  I was in so much pain over my body and the wieght gain and having to buy bigger clothes. Terrible God, just terrible. Please help me. I feel so overwhelmed and scared about work. I havent had a full day in year or os and especially without napping in between and now 2 days straight plus 10 hours of flying time and not being in my own kitchen. Please help me give my best with the project and also be willing to ask for help and not take things so personally. Please help me stay abstinent no matter what dear God. 

Dear Dear boy, It's okay my love. You know what I always tell you, take deep Ujay breaths my boy. Deep 4-4-6 breaths, breath out fear, anger, jealousy not being good enough and breath in light, power, my abundant and generous love.  you have a beautiful portable program my boy and I am always here for you .always. Trust me and love others and your self. You are not alone my child, never alone and I am so very very proud of the healing work you are doing. 

Love, God. 

notes from phil session yesterday

 Notice anger when it comes up, i won't always be able to notice it in time but most times I will be able to do another action like reach out to others. 

I don't need to take it out on others, i have nature walks, a car to yell in , program people to talk with, journaling and taking care of inner child. getting down on my knees and asking HP for help with the dark ugly emotions. 

Keep doing the good work of letting out the feelings as it comes. Theres a time and place to let out all the repressed anger and emotions from the past. 

That incident with my former sponsor asking me how I am and then cutting me off is more based on old feelings and triggers. There is only a small percentage of it that's current moment. 

As I become more stable, rely less on compulsive eating etc. I can practice visiting, joining groups etc. 

I feel a lot of repressed energy and anxieties re: meeting a partner and having intimacy. I can bring those into my life as much as I am working to keep the countertop clean, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, do laundry etc.