2 way prayer after difficult night

Dearest precious God, dug out of my garbage last night and ate the remainder of the chips. It’s so normal behaviour now for me I don’t even put soap and water in the chip bag. Woke up this morning remorseful about my ghosting Alex. I’m so careless with relationships god. I can become spiteful and resentful when all I need is honest and loving communications. I get in trouble with assumptions and I would like to ask for clarifications. Its so hard God. I’m an addict with big book behaviour. I want to own up to that. I’m also recovering from trauma and doing CPTSD work, and it is loving and gentle and understanding of my condition. Where is the balance God, I feel the heavy critic and shame of the big book language and the compassion and nurturing of the ACA literature. How to find that balance dear God. I want to be kind and loving to others and most of all to myself. It’s not easy when I’m triggered and I have trauma responses like ghosting, we both end up losing. Sometimes I want to crawl under a rock.

Dearest sweet boy, so much of despair , it make us cry. Let us wrap you in a tender hug my love. There is too much neglect, abuse and hardness of yourself and others. I weep for this world. Give yourself a warm hug and breathe gently and wholly , we are here to help we are here to guide you, we will not abandon you little one. You are always in our care and protection. We know that life is so so hard as a human, but things are improving. Congrats on the sale of your condo, that is huuuuge and it’s okay to Celebrate the sale my love and let go of all the anxiety and fear and stress that was clouded up in your body. Let it go my boy. Continue to act out of love and trust yourself , me and others. Let go of fear and distrust my love it does not serve you today, give it to me, we can handle it :). You were hurt many times little one and it is okay to stop NOW! We are so proud you are giving voice to your little ones and inner family, keep asking for your needs and not self abandoning my love. Keep it up little one, you are doing great.

Love God

God, I'm struggling today and I've lost faith in selling the condo

 Dearest God, I've lost faith that the condo will sell and I guess it's just not the condo for me in Montreal. It's getting colder an ddarker and the best part of the place the view will be negated. Dear Sweet Jesus, it's okay i was an opportunist, i loved the place that I have but that's okay Maybe there's another place for me and I'll keep looking. The tenant is also losing patience i'm sure God. Father God, I don't want to have any more anger and resentment towards Sandy.. I'm done God with the Anger and the Rage. I purged that shitty feelings away. I chose her god even though I had doubts and I currently i really don't think she's doing enough to sell it and push it. What does she care god, she's got nothing to lose really, she's not really hungry . Please god guide me to my best self. I didn't realize that this was going to be so difficult when I jumped in with the idea of selling. What do i do next god. 

Dearest sweet and gently boy, we are so very sorry. We feel  you pian and fear and stress and frustration. Breathe it ouse my son, breathe it out. and breathe in patience, love, tolerance, kindenss, courage, strenght, willingness and peace my dear love. Expect a miracle son, it's around the corner, please keep praying for Sandy and Joah, pray for everything you want for yourself. Give them strenght in your prasyers and ask for wisdom, guidance and next steps. We HPs will do the rest. At the very end, you will feel at peace. knowing that you did everything possible to move the deal forward. We are so proud of you that you told the montreal agent what the problem was, and she went to bat for  you. we are so very proud of you. We are tickled pink about your fiestiness and how you are finally expressing your desires. it's okay my boy. let it go. you've done the absolute best you can, and over the next couple weeks you can plan next steps. you can go to toronto with a plan and execute over the holidays. this will all go well. Please don't despair my boy. Good things are coming . you don't have to live a life of low expectations my son. :) :)

Love God

dear god another laptop written note.

Dearest God, what the absolute fuck , I am so fucking tired of this shit. I feel battered and bruised and like a fucking failure. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but what the fuck.

Keep working the steps Krisen, reach out to Mel and your other sponsors and this too shall pass, get other sponsors , guides, fellow travel buddies. This will work. I am so so so sorry my love. I am so so so sorry, you are doing the absolute best you can , we feel you, we cry for you, we adore you, we feel so helpless at time, we are not you we are not them we are Just . Please soak up our abundant love, trust pray, pray for everyone in our life right now, pray for those who are suffering, there’s one of you and there will be magic , one person can do so much , imagine a world where millions care for themselves, heal their wounds and help as many people. We can solve All our problems. We can, just breathe little one, this will pass, we Love you and we adore you abundantly you are never alone. Smile and just be for today my love. The answers are coming my little one, breathe and trust and turn to me my love.

2 way prayer - no handwriting today.

Dearest God , hello if you are there. God please take away my resentment and hurt for Anna, Gary, all the people who I feel rejected by god, please take it away god, it’s not serving me and only putting me into despair and anger. Dearest God, I wish the everything I want for myself God, I want them to have an abundance of peace, love, joy , fulfillment and self love. Please father help them get this on their journey. Hey God, I’m scared about finances. Really really scared God. Please help me with the willingness today God to apply for skip the dishes and any other food delivery services God. I need to make some supplemental income while I prepare for more IT work. Dear God I’m so scared about the condo not selling and the implications for the montreal realtor. Please God I don’t want to ask you to help sandy sell because it benefits me. Please god whatever the outcome, please give me the strength to handle it dear God.

My dearest sweet boy, breathe my love, breathe out fear and despair and breath in love, joy strength, serenity, peace and knowledge. This will pass son, you are doing your very best, this will pass my son. I am so sorry that you are feeling the pressure and I’m so sorry that life feels empty and loneliness is killing, please do trust me, better days are ahead. You can give up the crutch of terror and food and numbing out in TV, and you can expect a better life my son. This will passs, it will pass please my dear boy, just believe in it. This too shall pass. Please be open to all the possibilities my boy. It’s coming, the answers are coming. Wait for it my love. Soak it in, be at peace, turn it over. Trust trust trust my love. It’s all coming and its’ all happening perfectly little one. Wait my son, just wait. Let it go and trust me. Come to me my love.

2 way prayer on Loving God

Dearest God, thank you! I felt a sense of peace and comfort today that I’ve not felt in a while and I’m very grateful. I guess I’m just happy that I’m doing the recovery work , watching the right shows, and choosing to act out of love, instead of fear. I’m very grateful that I’m chatting with my mom with love and compassion. I’m very grateful that I’ve got the right medications and I’m managing to cope with all the stressful things that are happening in my life. God, I want abstinence please Just one day please god, please help me put down the food tonight, I want that freedom that comes from a non bloated body and my self esteem not destroyed. Please please give me the strength god to be willing to be willing to be willing my dear precious god. I want to see the light instead of the darkness. Please open the path to you god. I want to choose the light and not the darkness.

Dearest precious one beautiful boy of mine. Breathe my son breathe my love. We are so very thrilled that you are connecting with us. Breath little one. It’s all going to work out okay. What better gift than the gift of life and wanting to live :) It will be fine little one, you are loved blessed and adored and most of all willing. The sale of the condo will work out. No matter how long it take little one. It’s a beautiful and gorgeous place that will sell. Rest in power and peace little K and trust your agent Sandy, she really has your back little one. The work is going well, Eric trusts you let go and let love little one, all will be fine. Keep reaching out to trusted ones and turn to me, Get down on your knees and come to our level , we love seeing you eye to ey. It’s all going to be alright.

ramblings and gratitude

Dear God, thank you for the help today. I’m still so dreadfully scared that everything is going to fall down like a house of cards will you please help me dear God. Bless Jonathan for not responding me to god, I don’t know what pain he’s in God. Dear God, bless Mattie, and Ree for getting back to me as well as god bless my mom for getting back to me and the Quebec government for approving my medication and the lovely time at the Gym, thank you God for the stretching and my not overdoing it. I can’t wait to go swimming and I know little K is also going to love it. I feel so grateful for putting together the meals, so very grateful for that and also for getting the onions, and thank you God for the conversation with Nina , very grateful for that as well as Siska’s organizing the group. All I can think about is sex God, everything I want I just want to fuck women, beautiful young women mostly but i’m even attracted to women my age. I feel so shit god, I felt hurt when ben asked for Emilio contact and said hey bro. I feel like shit god, like I’ve got a turned up amygdala and every other man doesn’t ,well I know that’s not true. I like what I’m reading about masculine and feminine and having both but it’s been so fucking hard god. I don’t even know what to say, where to begin, everything has been so hard God. And I thank you for holding on, I than. You precious god. Otherwise I would be an absolute mess.

2 way prayer on gossiping and betraying a trust

Dear Dear God. I am sorry that I just gave away a secret. It was gossiping not malicious I know my heart but it came out to my sisters. Progress not perfection. I hope the 2 people i’ve spoken about will forgive me. I hope that I’m not tempted to Gossip. Its so hard God I don’t know when I became a gossip King. Please help me do this less God. Dear God thank you for a night of abstinence. Thank you sweet Jesus, it was so hard the previous night and I had flour, volume and mayonnaise. I slept and felt okay. Please help me today God with the rescuing and the work. Its so fucking hard God. I feel scared so very very scared. The condo sale is in your hands dear God. I only need one offer at the price I’m offering which is fair market value and way way more than what I paid. Please help me be humble God, please help me turn this over to you. I’m scared God, Ive had the condo since birth as a new property born on native Indian land. I’m not oblivious this fact and I want the condo to be sold to a good person.

My dearest sweet son, We are so proud of you little on, we are learning and you are loved little one. So very very loved and it’s okay little one, you made a mistake with the gossip you are not a mistake. Keep turning it over to me, to do better , we are waiting , we spread love not fear and hate, we spread joy not despair, we spread hope. My dearest little one, I am hear for you everyday. The food , the job, the work, the loneliness, the condo, its all going to be okay my love it’s all going to be okay. Rest In Peace and my boundless love.

Love,

God

2 way prayer - letter to god and talking about despair

Dear Dear Dearest God, loving HP and inner spirit, I had such an awful dream about my mom, we were fighting, running away from her and then at the very end, I was trying to get back in and she was ignoring my help that was really brutal God, dear God, I want to please with this by turning it over and trusting you. Rest in you love. I’m addicted to junk and I just want to stop God. I just want to fucking stop the destruction and the pain please God. I don’t know if I’m doing the right things. I don’t know what the future holds with me living here in montreal and struggling day by day just to get by. I am reaching out more god, I am asking for help but I keep living with the gloom of being so fucking fragile. So sensitive to the ups and downs of people and their treatment of me, it hurts god, why do I have to be so emotionally fragile god. Hurt by my sister ignoring me, hurt by Jonathon ACA member for ghosting me, hurt by the realtor in montreal who doesn’t respond to my emails. I feel pressure from Brian over sexual innuendos. Feel scared over condo sale and lack of showings. Feel scared about visiting family in toronto. Feel scared about seeing my mom and her being overly needy on me and me having a hard time letting go and wanting to rescue her and me feeling sad that she is lonely and hurting like me. I really want to put the life vest on me first dear god and give myself permission to let love into my life. Scared that I won’t be able to handle the IT job , scared that I won’t be able to handle the bingeing and using food to soothe the stress, fear and loneliness. Please God, take all this from me for today. I want to be a calm, loving , peaceful, joyful and happy person god. Not a miserable fuck who hates life and is not in touch with his playful , curious, vulnerable inner child. I want to be soft inside God not hard from repeated hurts and undealt with Grief. Please God, help me see the miracles in my life.

2 way prayer after a binge - encouragement from God.

 Dear Dear Dear God. I feel terrible , binges 2 nights in a row. I just want to sleep but I watched the show and then i go down the rabit hole of porn, masturbation and binge eating. I'm so fucking tired of this shit but not enough to stop. what the fuck God. Please please help me God. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to put the fear of diabetes, heart disease, fat shaming in me and make it fucking real. Why does this have to be so fucking hard. God are  you a motherfucker or what are you there, are you fore real for fucks sake!!

My dear dear boy. Please do not despair my love. I am here, it's  getting easier my son. I see you and your growth. I see you and  your desire to reach out and ask for help. You did today with Joel and Nina, congrats that was amazing! Keep being truthful my boy, share your struggles and successes. This gives others hope and draws them to you. Do not be afraid my son. I am so glad you are turning to me. It makes me and the other HPs smmile. you are love, you are love, you are loved my dear one. I know you are fearful and have so much pain and sadness to release. Do not fear my little one, the good things are coming you way. your god centered voice is working and you are stating your intentions. finding your voice and expressing your motherfucking self. Watch the anger and rage little one. i am so proud of  you for apologizing to Dina today. you really can't stand fakeness and bullshit. Turn to me when the rage comes and anger comes, take a breath my little one , pause , get perspective my little one. Trust me :) We want you to feel whole and love and peaceful. That's all we want for you my son. Peace love and joy , may it be so .  Love god. 

2 way prayer at swaraj's place

 Dearest God, helo. I really slipped yesterday but so grateful to be abstinent ( not bingeing) The spoon of honey and 2 trips for cashews. very dangerous, plus the sweet pear. Oh god, it's so shard. I'm grateful God for staying at anoop's place and to break out of the isolation of my very small apartment. Thank you God. I notice my affection for anoop and it scares me , how i can want romance from a guy. The companionship i crave so much and how it felt so comforting to just have the company While working on laptops and how i wanted to connect and making random comments even though he was busy, i'm so starved of intimacy god. Please God help me with the sale of the condo and the purchase of the new one and the car god. please help me with this. i'm very scared. I'm inspired by Joe MCQ, should I go straight to buying the house or wait God, i just don't know. Part of me wants to live the dream of a companion and a pet. so so so much. Helping the suffering addicts and the homeless but mostly for me, it's living the life of community where I'm not so alone all the time. Helping others heal the suffering that I'm able to heal in myself. Giving back for so much hat I've gratefully received. Please help me with this God and guide me to my next right action. 

Dearest sweet boy, hello my love. Breathe my son, breathe out self hate, shame, fear, despair and breath in my total sweet gentle unconditional love for you. This too shall pass my son. We are so thrilled of you and that you are participating in the world my boy. how very lovely. Live and let love in my son. We are here for you and love you so very much.