a letter to God

Dear Dear sweet god, thank you for a night of abstinence. I’m so grateful after all that bingeing over the weekend. Thank you for protecting me and guiding me out of the most horrible driving conditions. I really thought I was done for after the spin on the 401 and the snow squall. So very grateful that I was saved a crash and I feel sad that so many others we not spared. I am so very happy to be back in montreal and regrouping before I see my mom again. Feel so happy that I could see her and thank you god for the break in between seeing the family in Lake placid which was a wonderful blessing and focusing on the friendships that matter. I am proud for trying to be with my mom for making the effort on Christmas Eve. God please help me with work and supporting myself and the debting and overspending God. Is there anything that you can help me with re: French , work, abstinence and tenant god. Am doing my best with debtors anonymous but it’s so hard to make and stick with a budget.

Dear Sweet Sweet child, breathe little one it’s going to be okay my love. Trust us little one, we will point you in the right direction and you will find a way my sweet. It’s all going to be okay my love. We are so very proud of you, for leaving the chocolate cookies behind when we knew that it reminded you so much of your childhood in South Africa. For throwing away that slice of cheesecake and giving yourself a chance of abstinence and for getting on the ACA and FAA calls last night and connecting with your fellows. We are so very proud of you for that. It’s going to be okay little one., we are so glad to see you willing to do whatever you can. Please don’t despair when people don’t reply to you or take you for granted little one, that is about them and not about you. Keep nurturing yourself little one and providing the love and comfort you need so you don’t depend so much on others. Others have a right to set their boundaries little one and it really isn’t so much about you as it is about their own personal space. You are doing your best little one, it will come. We promise you :) Love God.

A letter from God

 Struggling with weight gain, shame in showing it to family. Work pressures and dealing with life and addiction one day at a time. 

From God:

My dear sweet and loving child, breathe little one. I’ts all going to be okay. You do not have to do this all on your own little one, trust in the process. We are so very proud that you reached out to us. And also to a newcomer and to do the meetings and to take a call from a friend you havent talked to in a while. Keep coming to us with the challenges and anxieties little one and all will be well. We can handle it. You are loved and adored little one.  We are sorry about the physical weight gain and the anguish it is causing you. You are doing the very best you can and we love you for that. It’s all going to be okay little one. 

2 way prayer today

Hi God, I’m very grateful to be abstinent last night. I mean no bingeing and I’m glad I went for extra protein triggered by my binge behaviour which is watching shows on couch, please help me release this behaviour god. It’s so very painful to sit with feelings and going into despair and loneliness. I am so glad I connected to a couple friends who reached out to me yesterday via text. I am glad that I shared without wearing a mask about how I was feeling which was very low and I did it on zoom video so people could see I was struggling. I am so scared God, everything is so hard: work, finances , abstinence, relationships lack, mood, self esteem. I’m so scared of things getting worse. Please help me god this is such an awful time.

Dear Dear Dear sweet child, breathe little one. We are so very proud of the small changes you are taking for self care, so very proud little one :) Abstinence is truly the best form of self care little one and we are glad that you are feeling better sweet child. It’s okay that things are hard little one and we are sorry that you have to do this alone. You are not entirely alone little one, we are here and we will support you and guide you to the doors to knock on next little one. We know how tiring it is to keep fighting. Enjoy where you are, your place your gifts. Keep your spending in check with D.A. and honesty. Remember that you are so very loved little one, so very loved.

dear sweet god - 2 way prayer after car troubles

Dear god, thank you for all the blessings today, my medication , my saying I was scared to release the mouse and not going against my inner child. My sharing honestly with my program fellows, I want to call them angels because I’ve never had that trust , love and connection with anyone before. I feel so tired god of the yoyo of food addiction exercise bulimia and just trying to keep it together with life challenges one after the other. Will you please help me God.

Dear sweetheart, It’s going to be okay my child, take deep breaths and keep coming to me today. You are a vessel of my spirit. Keep turning to me and spread love and kindness to others. You are worthy of it and they are worthy also. Take care of your inner family . Listen to your body and do not despair little one, you will not be abandoned. Love God.

2 way prayer on remorse of bingeing and body abuse.

Dear god, am wired from coffee so early in the morning. Caffeine is now one my many higher powers unfortunately. So sad about my body abuse and my relatively large belly (relative to me, i know about body dismorphia too) I feel so much remorse for all the abuse of bingeing and want to make amends to my body but i know from experience it only comes off gradually with recovery. I am mostly scared of comments from other people . I feel so embarrassed and so much shame. Yo-yo sizes is awful God. Please help me with this horrible horrible disease.

Dear Dear sweet sweet boy. I’m sorry little one. What can i to help? I really do not care little one in what form you come to me just come little one. You don’t have to do life alone anymore. We know you are scared of finances little one, we know you are scared of rejection, being alone and so many other things little one. Trust me little one, trust yourself! Together we can solve any problem, no matter how hard. We love you so very much little one, so very much. We are sorry about the weight gain and body abuse. Please take care of your temple little one. We will give you strength and direction to not pick up the first bite. To make that text/call. It’s going to be okay my love. It will be okay :). Love God.

2 waay prayer angry at god after another night of binging.

Dear sweet god, fuck fuck fuck. I feel like shit again and Im so tired, I don’t want to be with myself at night it’s fucking shit and getting harder. Please help me God, please help me I am so tired of the same old shit so very tired. Can’t do anything at night except numb out to shows and bingeing. No desire to meet anyone or do anything, just numb out. I know I don’t have to spend a lot of money to get involved and go out here in montreal, I can be creative with planning. Everything seems so fucking hard god and I’m tired. Can you help at all God?

 

Dear little one, dear sweet little one, it’s okay my love, it’s going to be okay, breathe little one,breathe, there that’s better isn’t it? We are so sorry little one, we are so sorry that you’re struggling. We love how you reached out last night and was honourable with your word, you called when you said you did and you gave yourself space to not trap yourself with a specific time. We also love how you took and enjoyed the call today with your aca fellow traveller. Keep doing honourable things first honour yourself little one and then others. Do you best today little one with the zoom meditation practice at 10am, it’s a marathon not a race. It’s all going to be okay little one, we love you so very much.

2 way prayer

Dear Sweet God, just a day of abstinence and I feel so bloody good, thank you sweet sweet god, thank you so very much. I feel so good I want to sing. Had extra protein last night instead of binging, progress not perfection. must remember how I feel even doing that instead of the junk. God please help me to get out of isolation and do the absolute best I can with the energy motivation and desire I have.

Dearest sweetheart, little K , put on your colourful LED lights. There that is so much gentler and FUN. We’re so very happy that you made it abstinent last night from binging. Keep turning to me little one. Things will ease up little one, it will I promise you. Go to the long Kriya and meditation online and in person next week. I am really sorry that Its been 2 years plus since the last time. We are so sorry that it was a lot of loneliness and binging. Our heart bleeds for you for all the lost time but please do look at is as rest from all the abuse for those 18 years of corporate work and you sat still and allowed the grief to come , more tears will follow little one, please be patient.

2 way prayer after binge

Dear god no hand writing today, straight to computer screen. What the actual fuck god, I feel terrible I can’t stop bingeing and I feel myself sliding further down. So much anxiety with the stupid elections, I can’t stand this world anymore. Everything seems so negative and backwards, and that’s only the parts we see. I’m glad to pet the dog yesterday , Primo, he’s so cute and he came and fellowed me to my door instead of going to his owner. That was funny. Help me god, help me please. I don’t know what I want god, but I don’t wan this. I don’t want the weight gain and I don’t want the lethargy. God I’m afraid of the money, I never expected her to not pay me anything and I feel like such a loser god for letting her off the hook. Please guide me god, show me the way please , I feel so lost and scared.

Dearest sweetheart , I’m glad you did your breathing. I am so sorry that you are not making the connections you needed . Please use this as the results of those who are reliable vs those who are not. You Made an outreach call yesterday and it really lifted you up. That’s what you get when you make the right connections little one. People are happy to hear from you and you’re able to get out of yourself. It’s lovely when the call is 2 way isn’t it. And you don’t end up feeling any resentment when you hang down the phone for caretaking, people pleasing, mask wearing. Keep it up little one, the connections are endless, you worked so hard to get out of your isolation. We will help you with the food little one, please don’t despair, it’s coming little one, it’s coming please trust us. About the money little one, that is coming to an end in march, it’s okay little one, you did your best , you will have more choices in the coming summer, do not despair little one, keep attending your debtors meeting and keep up the good work with the client and don’t forget to record your hours. We love you so very much and all will be OKAY .

Lots of love God.

2 way prayer today - frustrated with God.

Dear God, I’m so mad at you! I don’t believe in you and I don’t trust you. I think you can go and fuck yourself. What’s the point of believing in you if there is so much despair and destruction and I’m feeling constant guilt shame and fear.

Dear Child , It’s okay little one, I don’t need you to believe in me or trust me or like me little one. It doesn’t affect how much I love you and will care for you and protect you little one. Breathe my love, ujai 4x4x6 breathing . Let it out little one, let it out.

Yes that was really nice, I do feel much better! I love the quiet, it’s good for my mind and makes me more peaceful and easier to connect with you God.

I’m always here for you little one, I will not abandon you my sweet boy. It’s going to be okay little one. I promise you , you’ve made it this far so please keep believing and don’t give up! We love you so very much.

God.

niagara falls. binge last night feeling low and shameful

Dear God, I’m struggling. I want to go home and feel comfortable with myself God. Why is this so hard. Please help me with the next right action. Please guide me dear God. Dear Sweet sweet Krisen, I am so so very proud of you little one. Keep taking those deep breaths little one, I’m sorry you’re so very cold and you got wet. You take amazing photos little one and I’m so very very proud of you. This is all working out perfectly little one. Please do not despair , you are doing the absolute best you can and I’m so proud of you. Im so proud of you for making it to your mom’s place and telling her what a beautiful place she has. We are so very very proud of you little one, i’m sorry for the setback. Please do put it away in her car little one. It’s okay to do so. You will feel safe and happy knowing that all the junk is out of reach. You don’t have anything to worry about little one. You are fine just as you are. Their is recovery in your path. You have been so very helpful and dedicated to the path of recovery. Keep sharing your truth and hope little one and come to me. Keep coming to me my love. All will be well. I’m so happy you made it safe after the long drive and I’m so happy you are warming your mom’s place. Keep doing it little one. All is well. I promise you that all will be well sweet Krisen. Look at that gorgeous sun and view of the falls.

Dear sweet sweet Krisen. I am so very glad that you are putting yourself first little one. So very happy, keep it up my dear one. You are loved beyond belief. Just keep it up. Be safe. Be strong stay blessed.

Every interaction is so hard we get it little one. Just head back. You don’t have to worry about anything little one. Just head back. You are loved beyond belief.

It’s okay to love yourself little one, to be proud of yourself and be a good person. Please do not fear your light and joy. I’m so very proud of you little one.

Dear Krees , kreeps and little k, I want you to know that I’m committed to you and I’m not going to have any pretences. I love you all exactly as you are. I am so very sorry that you are suffering. And have been suffering. thank you guys for creativity, your playfulness, your joy, your adventure, your protection of each other while I was not present. For being smart, for having intuition about people who are not safe. Who are stuck in their own drama. Thank you for guiding me to what is the right path for us. Thank you for shedding tears, for connection to a higher power, for love and showing me how to love, for empathy and caring for those who are on hard times. Thank you for showing me the light and leading me to it always. Thank you kreeps for protecting us, for wanting to always look out for danger and trying to get us to minimize pain, we truly appreciate and value you. Krees I’m so sorry for all the repression and pain that I have caused you and the world has caused you. I promise you that I have my eyes open, most of the time and I welcome all your feelings, even rage despair and and sadness and desire and everything. I welcome them all, that’s what makes the human experience and I’m so very sad that you have been repressed all this while. It’s going to be okay, I promise you. Lil K, you are just so sweet and adorable and full of love joy and promise and I love how you are. Thank you all.

2 way prayer before trip to hamilton and on the binge eating and depression

Sweet god, so much struggles getting abstinent. Using so much food to number out , no energy or motivation to do anything except waking up in time for this meeting what should I do God. Im so very scared of life. I hold onto habits, gaming, books, podcasts, YouTube, because I’m so afraid to go out in the world and make connections. I tried yesterday but came home in a heartbeat when given an excuse. Please help me god break free from this prison. relying on only 1 or two WhatsApp conversations is just not working and meeting my needs. So lonely, starved for connection. I seem to want intimate relationships and avoiding calling others in program for general connection. It’s so frustrating god, why? Please help me with my trip to Hamilton today. Very important that it goes well today on the trip god, 7 hours of driving is a lot. I am so scared of the food and junk at my mom’s place. Give me the strength please god to put it in a safe place. 

Well done little one on the breath work just now, and coming to me. Well done little one, it’s going to be okay my sweet. It’s going to be okay. We will not let you down , not ever little one. All will be well. The break will be good for you and will allow you to recharge at your mom’s place alone. You always felt safe there. Do not despair little one, call your friends, keep connecting and work your step one 2 and 3 little one. Let go of fear and resentments and grudges and recognize how very short life is. like the just for today reading, it’s okay to supress my knowledge and not know why act as is little one, it’s worked before. With regards to the food act as if little one, we don’t want to see you suffer, lets end it. Move on with life and please don’t despair, war happens , human cruelty happens , read your book on over empathy , it will help learn how to live in the world.

2 way prayer today - binging and anxiety.

Dear God, I’m so tired of binging and numbing out with food. I truly am powerless, I don’t know why I just can’t take the medicine. Please help me God, I’m stuck in self centerdness and jumping to conclusions in my personal relationships. Please do help me God.

Dear sweet Sweet Krisen, it’s going to be okay little one, it’s going to be okay. Those deep breaths really helped. Keep doing it to help with the anxiety little one. We are so proud of you, everything you face is so very hard right now, we understand little one, we understand. Keep working those steps little one. I know sometimes you don’t want to and are tired of putting in the effort, we understand little one. Back of them but don’t let go of step 1 little one and keep coming to us, we love you so very much we don’t want to see you suffer. You mother replied to you, everyone replied to you, you are truly loved more than you know little one. It’s been so hard I know I know. It’s been so very hard to trust love little one. It’s all around you little one, try to let it in and accept. I love you little one, everything is going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.

2 way prayer from this morning

Dearest God, HP, G to the D. I feel awful, the peanuts binge taking a toll on my body. Please please help me God. I can’t stop. Please give me the strength and willingness to stop. I can’t right now imagine life without sitting on the couch and numbing out to junk food. I’ve been doing this since I was 13. I’m scared of ballooning in weight and I hate the weight gain God. And I hate how tight my clothes feel . Please help me dear God.

Dear Sweet sweet precious child. ujai breath remember dear one, 4x4x6. There doesn’t that feel better. Sweet Krisen, it’s okay little one, keep connecting and looking for other ways to soothe and nuture your soul little one release the anxious energy its okay my love, we are truly sorry that you are feeling the way you do. Please keep coming to me, all will be well little one, just keep coming to me my love. Loneliness, sexuality, life without a family is tearing you apart. We understand little one, we know hang in there, this is going to get better little one, everyone goes through this, do not let despair in, let it pass through and we will take care of the rest. There is hope little one, hope and light on the other side, you are closer to it than you think.Congrats on making amends to your sister and brother-in-law we are so proud of you little one. So very proud. Lots of love, God.

2 way prayer

Dear sweet sweet god, so tired god so tired of the day in and day out of sleeping on the couch and reaching for food, please give me the willingness god to stop the behaviour, I truly get dark and sometimes suicidal ideation when I’m binging and it’s like theirs no hope dear god. I want to have a better life free from food addiction God, I’m so tired, help me reach out to the right people please God, I’m so very very tired.

Dear Dear Dear sweet sweet boy, it’s okay little one, it’s okay. Breathe in light and my spirit and let out the failures, frustrations, anger, hopelessness and despair little one. Let it out, this world is tough we know, it’s going to be okay little one, its going to be okay. How can I support you today my love. How can I support you today little one.

God, I have a very long day of a bus ride and driving back, will you please help me god, I just don’t know how I’m going to do this. I am also afraid of the food God, I am frustrated and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by accepting this job God. Please help me God.

Ahh my sweet child, you did your best, you helped Rodney and he wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t difficult. It’s okay my sweet sweet child, it’s okay little one. It’s going to be okay. Take your comforter and pillow and your headphones and laptop and book and it will be okay. Make it an adventure little one. As for the food, keep turning to me and your fellows little one, its’ okay to trust Jacqueline and Marco and marla, these people are on your side little one and they have been there. Open up to them little one. It’s going to be okay. We will be with you.

a good reading from For Today ACA

 This highlighted passage really stood out to me. I feel like if I open the taps of the tears I won't be able to stop. 

Finding Value in the Past

"Through recovery, we realize our childhood experiences have great spiritual value. We recognize that we can help ourselves and others." BRB p. 334

In ACA, our journey back to the trauma of our childhoods does not come without pain. For some of us, the intensity of the feelings may be greater now than they were then because we were not allowed to feel or show our feelings as children. As adults, until we started this journey, most of us did not let ourselves feel the powerlessness and vulnerability that is necessary to heal our woundedness.

At the start of recovery, if someone had said that one day we would look at our childhood experiences as having value, many of us might have had great doubt that would occur. Some of us avoided this journey because we thought that if we ever started to cry, we wouldn't be able to stop. But with faith in our Higher Power and the strength of our fellow travelers, we became willing.

The guidance of the Steps and the support of other ACAs helped us release the pain of our past. The sharing of our experiences helped us see spiritual value in what we were finding, not only for ourselves, but because of the hope we offered to other recovering adult children.

On this day I know that being willing to share my journey helps me first and foremost, but it also helps others understand that this journey is spiritual. I am now able to reconcile my past and live in serenity.

I don’t know where to begin. Fat bloated, irritated, hungover. Trying my best to stay with God. Feel everyone is against me today. Caretake mom feelings, told her I don’t want anything my life is here. I need to change. I must be careful of what I say. It’s horrible. I’m so tired. Tired of holding on, tired of everything, god please help me.

I took care of birds today and I was so happy to get into the cage and help put up the nice stick and feed them and get out of there. I’m okay this will pass. I told Anoop, hey I got your refills and I didn’t touch them so it’s safe. I’m going to be okay. Feel very bad about mom, I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. We are both so fragile.

Oh my god pulled over by the cops

I just had such a horrid experience, I’m still shaken up by it. Pulled over by the fucking cops. I got onto Decarie on the middle lane. And saw the cop in the background. Then i turned on the middle lane and was going fast. And came to the lights and then i heard the beeps and i got scared pulled over to the right and stopped the bike and I fell down and it was scary. They told me what the hell was I doing in the middle of the road and then they said I’m a pedestrian and they said i shouldn’t be driving in the middle of the road, I’m a pedestrian. They asked for my id, and I gave them my license and they spent about 5 mins searching it and then they said they are giving me a warning and i should be careful. I told them that I will stay in the right lane and that when I come to a right turning lane, i will get off the road and Walk through the intersection. It was so fucking scary. 

2 way prayer

Dear dear dear sweet God, thank you for your help today and last night. I am so grateful to have more work , this wonderful new place , the blinds, and to have food in the fridge. Thank you god thank you. This too shall pass, the pain I feel with the stomach I don’t take it lightly god, I know it won’t go away till I see a doctor and I’m scared.it’s so very hard to get a blood test god, so very hard, 4 months without paying, what the heck happened to the Canadian health care system. I was so spoiled and took so much for granted all those years I could get treatment the same day when I was working the fancy corporate job.

God, I’m so scared I can’t cry, I can’t grieve I have so much anger, so much anger so much rage. I know behind the anger is the sadness and grief, please help me tap into the tears. Please help me with the bingeing , the sex addiction, the debating, and all the other ways I abandon myself and am self destructive. Im so very tired god, please please please help me God, I don’t feel like even trying sometimes.

 

Dearsest sweet sweet little boy. Help yourself little one, breath my love take deep breaths and let it go. Close your eyes and breath. I’m here for you, the universe that’s me. The self compassion group that’s me little one. Just be good to yourself my love, just be good to yourself little one. I love you so very much. You are worthy of love and respect. For yourself and others. Keep praying little one for the people you meet, for the people you love and for the people you have a problem with or the people that hurt you. I love you so very much.

I’ve been having good dreams, like intense dreams, yesterday I was dreaming about the new project and the estimate that I had to put forward and it was a bit scary, but I got praised by someone and that was nice, it was all related. I binged ate the peanuts and that was hard. I woke up feeling really off and lethargic , I couldn’t move. I watched a bit of James Bond no time to die and that was nice. I tried to focus on things, which I know is not necessary. And is my debting and I know this, I got on the call and was very irritable, I couldn’t share but I did announce myself and I was grateful for that. Here I am . Doing the very best I can. I’m having good sleep and I’m so happy I went out and got out and did the show. It was so immersive and I felt so good. Replied to my mom which I also really appreciated.

Not liking the weight gain but no desire to stop eating or even go to the gym, it’s all been so very hard with this depressive episode.

no words

I’m feeling so off today. Hang on, I’m just going to take my medication. No words to describe how I’m feeling, just kinda blah. I got coffee and a wrap and I talked to the Starbucks barista. I dressed up well today and I showered, baby steps to kinda force myself into positive thinking, I was tempted to call my mom but I realize that I’m adding stress to myself I was tempted to show off my bike but when I went the Starbucks was super crowded. What the fuck do I do. I want outside validation so much, I want to connect. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so shitty at times. So lonely. So needy. I go for the wrong people and I don’t feel validated. How do I give that to myself. So unloved.

Energy levels are so so . I went down to get some stuff, and now I have to take care of the stuff in the lounge. The boxes and finding space for it, so fucking annoying. cest la vie. Ive been charging my bike guiltily I need to find a solution for charging but I just don’t know where or how to. I can’t bring it up here. It’s frustrating. Deep breaths Krisen, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time. I feel so disconnected, so fucking out of it. So scared. Like I just don’t know how to feel free of worry. This too shall pass little one, this too shall pass.

topsy turvey

It’s been a while since I posted. Insane time. I moved out of my old apartment and moved into the new condo apartment. Its gorgeous and bright and spacious compared to my apartment. The loneliness is still there , I knew that wouldn’t change, but I’m not sleeping on the couch anymore, I have a bedroom now and I make an effort to sleep on the bed everyday. It’s been tough finding a tenant , I rented to an 18 year old server and I don’t know if she will pay the rent on time or at all or if she will cause trouble with boyfriends, I’m leaving it in HPs hands, it’s been really tough, I got through the first hurdle with the landlord accepting her. It took a personal conversation. I wish I wasn’t so scared of people and would communicated before hand, but I made some friends along the way, angels that have been helping me with he place. Madge and Irina, they were really helpful in keeping me sane and understanding the landlord and his wife. I felt really down and discouraged and lonely yesterday that everything was going to be permanent and life was just going to keep sucking. It was a sinking depressing feeling.

I also started a new medication and increased the dose. It’s an anti anxiety medication that surpasses hunger at night , so in theory with the binges but in reality I still have intense cravings, except now it’s less magnified with hunger. I’m eating off the regular FAA food plan and avoiding restricting which is good.

So that’s my update, love you all and especially love you Krisen, my inner child, my inner teen, my inner critical parent, and the loving parent to those inner family that I am and becoming.

a birthday retreat.

I just had a lovely picture with isai rod and me. It was so nice. My smile is off but it’s okay I like the way I looked, I can’t believe I’m so focused on fat when I looked fine. The body obsession and dysmorphia I guess. It’s okay I survived it, I wished I didn’t crash last night with the junk food because I do feel so gross today and I spent the most of the day basically just resting. I’m glad I called Laurie, I was so worried about the Facebook posting and the threat of retaliation. I’m always so concerned about that.

Toronto was shocking, the homelessness, the mental health , the buzz about it, I’m glad that I left quickly, I’m grateful to god for the parking, the money in my green p parking and the money in the subway card, I’m grateful that I made the trip to see isai and to spend time at the office that was really nice.

It was so nice to work in an office setting and it was nice to see the rooms in the basement and take the pictures and to chat with Donya and show her my tatoo. And it was nice to face my fears and speak to Tiffany and it was funny to see everyone bolt around 5pm.

I’m also very grateful to stop at the motel and sleep in a proper bed and to get up and go the next morning and to show my face for the conference call. I was so happy with the clothes that isai got me.

So all in all, I felt so loved, from all the calls and messages I got. It was so beautiful, I made the effort to visit with Joe and Anoop and Antonio, to see the beaches, Scarborough, downtown proper, Yonge and bloor and bloor west village that was so much of fun.

god, it's so hard

Dear Dear sweet sweet god. Here I am my love. Thank you for the peace around food last night. Thank you for the sharing and I’m very very grateful to let go and let you in. I’m so happy that Uma responded, thank you god for the guidance. I felt so scared, I didn’t think she would respond. It causes me so much grief god, I don’t want to destroy whatever little relationships I have. It’s not okay to cut off, I just don’t want to do that any more. Dear god, struggling with spending and wanting more more more all the time. Please help me show me what I should do. It’s so hard god, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I feel like I’m missing out on the life that I’ve been blessed to receive. Please help me my love. I’m grateful for the water my eyes and my limbs. I just want to keep on the path. I want to take it easier and relax and have easier days god.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, I know and it’s going to be alright my love. I’ve missed you my love, it’s been a while. What to say my boy, we love you and were here for you. It’s okay to do good in the world my boy, soon there will be more good and less people stuck in disfunction and fear, it’s okay little one, just breath and know that you are so very loved my little one. It’s okay.

I feel so much unworthiness, fear, unlovable turning to porn, feeling so shit from doing the same actions over and over again, I don’t know if I’m getting better god, I just know it hurts so much and I’m so afraid of being in that pain. Please god show me the best way, show me love, show me spirit, show me something.

We weep boy, we see what goes on and we weep, keep reading keep writing, keep listening, keep seeing, keep feeling, keep playing, keep laughing, keep smiling, it’s all going to be okay my love, it’s all going to get better, we promise you, we love you little one, we love you so very much.

Typical attacks from the inner critic - from Pete Walker

Pete Walker and the trauma recovery gurus really helped me in my journey from acting out old defense patters from childhood and recognzing them in adulthood. here are some of the things I watch out for.  

[Perfectionism|attacks] 

1. perfectionism 

My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain support in my neglectful family. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved. 

2. All-or-none / black-and-white THInking 

I reject extreme or over-generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative event does not mean I am stuck in a never- ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me in “always” or “never” are rarely true. 

3. self-hate / Self-disgust / toxic shame 

I commit to loving myself. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I transfer back the shame and disgust to the person who is judging me for my normal emotions of anger, fear and sadness. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit. 

4. Micromanaging / Worrying / obsessing / over-futurizing

I will not micromanage others or myself. I work in a way that is “good enough”. I accept that sometimes, my efforts bring desired results, and sometimes they do not. . I will not try to control the uncontrollable.

    

[Perfectionism|attacks] 

5. devaluing comparisons to others or most perfect moments 

I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. Sometimes, reality is not as it seems. You only see what others want you to see. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad. 

6. guilt 

Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I feel guilty and afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”. If I end up hurting someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I will allow myself to be human. 

7. shoulding 

I will not put unreasonable demands and pressure on myself. I will focus on what I really want to do and what is important to me. 

8. over-productivity / busyholism / workaholism 

  

I am a human being not a human doing. I will choose not to be perpetually productive. I will balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform all the time. 

9. Harsh judgments of self & others / name-calling 

 

I will not let the bullies of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightly belong to my dysfunctional caretakers onto myself or current people in my life. 

[endangerment|attacks] 

10. drasticizing / catastrophizing / hypochondriasizing 

I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not in trouble with my parents anymore. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. I will not turn every ache into a story of me dying. I am safe and at peace. 

11. Negative focus 

I renounce over-noticing and dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities. I remember the many gifts and beauties of life. 

12. Time urgency 

I am not in danger. I do not need to hurry. I am learning to enjoy living at a relaxed pace. I slow down my breathing and relax my muscles. 

13. Disabling performance anxiety 

 

I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism. I will not ask myself to be perfect and allow myself to make mistakes. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions. 

14. Expecting an attack from others 

I will not project my past bullies onto others, unless
there are clear signs of danger. Most people are peaceful. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection against those who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support. 

AUTHOR: 

Pete Walker, from the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving 

loving myself a letter to God

Dear sweet sweet God, thank you for the laugh yesterday , it really helped me to just laugh out loud and from my belly. And thank you for frank not calling me that helped me too. God I need some help please please please help me get out of the isolation and depression and go towards life and socializing and loving what I have. Please give me the strength dear god to keep this place clean and less clutter god, I need to rent out this place and I’m worried about the floors, please please please help me God. I a so scared of my ability to work and my debating. I don’t know if I am on the path to destruction. Please God help me.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, we are so proud of you for cleaning the bathroom, it looks incredible and we are so very proud of you for turning to us and staying away from the junk. We love you little one, it’s so so nice to hear you laugh. You are doing so well, please keep being you keep finding the joy in little things. All is not lost little one. It makes us so so so happy and proud and tickles us pink when you laugh out loud. You’re welcome little one, we have your back, and we will only lead you to things that are in your best interest, growth things . Change little one, we will lead you to change that is in your best interest. We cry little one we hate seeing you in pain.

I feel so scared God, I feel rudderless and directionless and it’s so very scary. I want companionship God but I’m so very scared of it God. I don’t know whether real or not, will you please help me God.

It’s okay little one, its okay my sweet sweet boy, please breath little one breath out fear and despair and breath in light, love and joy little one. Just breath it in my love. Breath little one, its all going to be okay it’s coming little one.

feeliing like crap today

Dear God, I don’t know what to do today. I feel so frazzled. please guide me to the next right action. Today I just feel like lazing. I know that I have to get up and show up everyday like majority of the world does. Pay my spiritual penance or pay off my karmic debt. Is that what it is god. I don’t know. Please tell me how I should be because I feel pretty fucking wretched today. Okay I’ll go and buy the oatmeal god and the bananas and go from there.

Trusting HP and giving them my fears.

Dear dear sweet god. I need your help today please and thank you as always for your blessings. God I really truly appreciate the help to make friends with Max. I feel so happy to face my fears, please god, protect my heart please God give me the strength to face rejection and humiliation for whatever else happens. I need you today my dearest sweet God, please take away my paralyzing fear today God.

My dear dear sweet sweet boy, you don’t have to ask, it’s okay my love. It’s okay, breath my little sweet boy, breathe. We love you so very very much. I know you are afraid of getting hurt and it will be painful my son, we are not going to sugar coat it, it will hurt but we will give you the strength to handle it and it will pass my dear sweet sweet boy, it will pass. You can’t ever be abandoned any more son , you are no longer powerless and helpless, you can turn to us and your little tribe to help you and comfort you and soothe you little one. You are no longer that helpless repressed little boy, you can be free my love please do not despair. We will shine our love and protection on you and I will help you little one. Do not despair little one it’s all going to be okay . We love and adore you and are so proud of you little one. We are so happy to see you and you don’t have to be perfect any more little one, you are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed little one. Please do not despair my love. Trust me my love.

today's 2 way prayer

Dear Dear God, WTF WTF I don’t want to keep bingeing and hating myself please show me the door and path to you dear God. I want to feel the peace and know the next right action. It is so very hard god, please guide me out of the despair.

Dearest Sweet sweet boy, it’s okay my little one. Remember 4-4-6 ujai breathing. Remember art of living meditation I am so very sorry that love has been so elusive for you. Love of yourself, love of others and most of all, romantic love. It is so painful little one, I know it is. you were never meant to live life solo. You were meant to love and be loved. Don’t despair my boy, better days are ahead. Look at al the gifts you received yesterday, what a nice conversation you had with Denis. Let Go and let love my dear one. Trust me dear, TRUST Me. You are so very very loved and adored.

2 way prayer wednesday morning

Dear Dear Dear Dearest God, thank you dear loving God for keeping me safe and helping me bounce back after I numbed myself with food the other day. God, when will the frustration and rage stop. When will the tears come dear sweet God? It’s so hard to keep getting up everyday, putting my adult pants on and trying to be hopeful and optimistic. I’ve been angry with the world and feeling like my life is slipping away. What’s the point of having all this love and compassion and empathy if I turn it against myself with food bingeing, people pleasing , codependency and other addictions. It’s ridiculous, please help me god.

My dear dear sweet boy, haaaaaaa, deep breath my love. It’s all going to be okay. It’s all working out perfectly. I am so sorry that you are going through this my love. Please do the next right action, set the boundary, self care, clean your place, take your medication water the plants and shower little one. It’s all happening perfectly and yes this too shall pass. I weep too my love, humanity is frail and flawed and I feel powerless tooo. We want you to to be filled with love, joy, hope and inspired purpose. It’s not a natural state to be in despair. All we know is love and we want that for you too, hang in there little one.

Dream and Dear Krisen letter.

Dear Krisen, you are so very loved. I hope you know and believe that. I am so very sorry that things are so hard and feeling the feelings are so hard and that In essence you have given learning French and maybe montreal is not the right place for you. I’m so very sorry that everything feels so fucking hard right now. Do not despair my boy , rest in peace and rest knowing that things can get better.

Yesterday I had a dream that I needed surgery and couldn’t travel with anoop somewhere. I dreamt that one of the nurses gave me $300 and told me to go to a strip club. I went up there and ordered a coke and I sat at a table where people were making fun of gay guys but I did see some gay guys having sex. I felt so self conscious. It frustrates me that I’m so scared of the blowback of people having a problem with my sexuality. I’m frustrated that I look at so much straight porn. What’s going on there.

I looked up Nareen a lot, I was happy to see that maybe she was divorced, I was also angry, I felt a lot of anger towards her. Then I let go of the resentment by remembering she is a mother and she is probably trying her best to fend for her kids. I think my anger comes from the fact that she reminds me of my mom. She was doing public speaking and I know she really wanted to get good at that. Being a realtor is hard, it’s a sales job.

I’m super happy about 3 days of abstinence. And just a willingness to cook my own meals. Thank you OA/FAA/ACA/SLAA/DA it’s been so wonderful to focus on recovery and have some semblance of normality. I’m also extremely grateful that coffee shops have opened. That’s a huge relief. It’s so much better to work from here.

i dunno

Dear God, I am feeling mellow and chill. I have cut down on the meditation and prayer and it has been hurting me, I feel the effects spiritually, emotionally. Father I’m so hurt by peoples actions to me, when they don’t respond to me after I’ve sent them a message and we have a rapport. I know the wounds are deep and I feel the pain often and I just want to cut them off. Spending so much time to cultivate a relationship and then to cut them off. Please God help me with this, I feel like I will end up alone because I have such a hard time feeling disappointed and let down with people. How do I trust myself and be honest with people when there is so much fear of retaliation and ultimately being abandoned. So much passive aggression acting out, with people like Jeremy, Diana, Amy, it’s caused me so much grief. I’ve also had magical thinking and expecting them to read my mind. Just fucking tired of it.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, all is well. Trust the path I am making for you. Walk by that path. All these past hurts and doors closed are your chance to grieve little one. Let go of the shame and hurt my love, we need to cleanse them away. I am here for you. You have had so much repression of feelings my dear boy. So very much. You have had so much hurt my boy. It’s time to feel my love. It’s okay to feel all your feelings little one. We want you to know that you are so very loved and you will be comforted, heard and protected. We won’t let anyone hurt you anymore without our permission. Lots of love and hugs, God.

2 way prayer 🙏🏼

Dear dear sweet God, thank you thank you for letting things go so well yesterday and giving me guidance on the next right actions .thank you for having my mom come here and just show up, she helped alot. I realize that I could ask her for help even when I felt so much rage and resentment and Im glad I had you to turn to. I hate how I am when I feel so overwhelmed and anxious maybe I needed to do more prep work but I was so consumed by the fucking food and today for the first day I feel peace. please help me dear God I'm so tired of being in the fucking food and living in a state of depression and despair. I want to change god I want to let go and trust and do the next right action. Please dear God please help me. What do I do?