I had a trauma therapy session that was deeply insightful and I have some notes:
- my inner child was very muzzled and couldn't ask for what he needs eg: wanted chess board from Allen to play with but coulnd't ask my mom and I was so dissapointed when she didn't bring it. I missed my cousins so terribly and when we were out of contact with him, that was so very hard. I really appreciated when Allen took me to go see the muppets. I didn't have enough of that in my life.
- Child had to grow up fast, play peace maker, and clown, tried so hard to avoid the conflict and keep the peace.
- i didnt ask for coke, even though i was thirsty on plane . mom was scared about money and supporting us and she was open with us about her fears. used to tell me that we can live even if on shrimps so cheap to make etc. why I was fucking 11..I don't need those fucking fears.
- I learned how to live in fear and afraid of being poor always, check bank accoutn all the time. steal tim hortons donuts by using a fake flier. wanted toys and things but always afraid, restricted on lunch etc. real deprivation, and then we would splurge on things like mcdonalads sundays etc.
- Very irritated and angry that mom asked for sole custody when she could not handle us. no support whatsoever, no other family. everyone was a threath. I understand it may have worked out for the best because dad was so sick addict and unstable. he would have dumped us on others. But i hated the narrative that she was a superwoman and i put her up on a pedestal. makes me so angry and sad for my inner kids who were lied to all the time and brainwashed.
-addictions truama is a neural process. all in the brain/amygdala etc. break the habbits as best i can. not perfectionism, better is enough, rewire the neural pathways. move the body change an action, change the brain.
- as a kid, teen, young adult, i made lots of mistakes. i felt guilt and shame a lot. shame takes over my whole body. i am a mistake, i am defective. mistakes that i made.:told dad to get out of my life. deeply hurt him and made him cry. stole from mom's wallet, take money from the till of my mom's business peer pressue., co-erced kids for candy and embarrased my mom then paid the price with public embarrasment at grandmother's house. cashed in my mom's krugerands, didn't work and in depression in my early 20's . talked behind mother's back, ratted out my sisters. I forgive you little K and teen K and young adult K, you are loved, all kids make mistakes and are worthy of forgiveness.
- I wet my bad a lot, i felt such deep shame espeically when visiting so much terror and shame.
- I felt so much terror that dad would knock on door and mom and dad with fight and then i felt so much rejection because dad didn't come fight for us. he just expected us to come visit him. felt so let down and wanted to go see him, he was there with his wife and daughter. so much sadness, i had to choose between mom and dad. felt so angry at him also. and I felt like not tlaking to him was a prize. the longer i didn't talk to him the more worthy of pity and attention i would get. it was sick. it ended up being 7 fucking years. so very sad. I was angry when he rejected paying my tution, i guess he had money but they were only for his wife and kid, that is so deeply hurtful.
