I am angry and sad that you reached out to me yesterday and told me that you are accepting that you are alone and we are going on with our happy lives. I hate your self pity and I am angry at you for not dealing with your issues. Mom, you lump me in with isai and vash but I am the one who spent a year and a half with you living with you in the 1 bedroom place and then in the basement apartmetn. you helped me tremendously while i was recovering from terrible depression and dealinng with my addictive behaviours. I am sorry for all the fighting and all the verbal and emotional abuse i lent on you. I am sorry for trying to change you and not accepting you as you are. I truly truly want your happiness. I want you to be free and feel loved and give love and feel truly grateful to be alive and live for this day. I want you to experience all the blessings and joy in this life and feel free to enjoy the remainder of your days in bliss, peace and love. I want this for you mom.
Monday, August 31, 2020
Thursday, August 20, 2020
how i feel today.
I was on a meeting today and i unmuted while peeing, whoops, i felt a bit of shame but i wasn’t shamed and I’m grateful that people have short memories, i’m so tired of this slow ass phone, but i’m grateful it has 2 lines. right now the fire alarm is going off. I’m listening to a woman on the call who loves to talk, and this asshole who keeps coming up and intimidating people with his long ass rants, I just leave the call after. These fuckers don’t like to time themselves. Ahhh bless and release. take what I need and leave the rest, i know i’ve got some moral superiority here but I just wish that people would play fair, everyone else times themselves. why can’t these fuckers. I’m so very grateful to be journaling on this mac on this computer. Today I spoke with Perry’s friend, Aly, he asked if i was coming out and I told him yes. I don’t know what that means, well maybe it’s i bought a bride pride mask and i’m proudly wearing it. in the beginning I felt scared and now well if i’m bullied or gay bashed it’s going to happen anyway, i might as well let that be for who i am. Man this fire alarm is still going on. So i slept on the floor last night, i was sooo very lonely and i was scared about slipping into an oblivion of isolation, today I will change that, i will go to the gym so that I can at least be in the presence of people, it’s so hard though. I have so much sadness in my eyes, I feel very lonely and alone.
The guy on the call said he’s incapable of asking for help and I so relate to that. i so so relate to feeling lonely and not being able to reach out and ask for help. I so relate to getting used to the chorus in my head of being alone and listening to my voice complain about loneliness and not having the answers. replaying all the times i’ve run, all the failed relationships, all the brutal crushes that caused me so much pain and anxiety. i look at myself with compassion, i’m trying to acknowlege the critic voice in me, try harder, do better, CHANGE….but i realize that I’m just trying to be and look after myself the best that i can.