no words

I’m feeling so off today. Hang on, I’m just going to take my medication. No words to describe how I’m feeling, just kinda blah. I got coffee and a wrap and I talked to the Starbucks barista. I dressed up well today and I showered, baby steps to kinda force myself into positive thinking, I was tempted to call my mom but I realize that I’m adding stress to myself I was tempted to show off my bike but when I went the Starbucks was super crowded. What the fuck do I do. I want outside validation so much, I want to connect. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so shitty at times. So lonely. So needy. I go for the wrong people and I don’t feel validated. How do I give that to myself. So unloved.

Energy levels are so so . I went down to get some stuff, and now I have to take care of the stuff in the lounge. The boxes and finding space for it, so fucking annoying. cest la vie. Ive been charging my bike guiltily I need to find a solution for charging but I just don’t know where or how to. I can’t bring it up here. It’s frustrating. Deep breaths Krisen, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time. I feel so disconnected, so fucking out of it. So scared. Like I just don’t know how to feel free of worry. This too shall pass little one, this too shall pass.

topsy turvey

It’s been a while since I posted. Insane time. I moved out of my old apartment and moved into the new condo apartment. Its gorgeous and bright and spacious compared to my apartment. The loneliness is still there , I knew that wouldn’t change, but I’m not sleeping on the couch anymore, I have a bedroom now and I make an effort to sleep on the bed everyday. It’s been tough finding a tenant , I rented to an 18 year old server and I don’t know if she will pay the rent on time or at all or if she will cause trouble with boyfriends, I’m leaving it in HPs hands, it’s been really tough, I got through the first hurdle with the landlord accepting her. It took a personal conversation. I wish I wasn’t so scared of people and would communicated before hand, but I made some friends along the way, angels that have been helping me with he place. Madge and Irina, they were really helpful in keeping me sane and understanding the landlord and his wife. I felt really down and discouraged and lonely yesterday that everything was going to be permanent and life was just going to keep sucking. It was a sinking depressing feeling.

I also started a new medication and increased the dose. It’s an anti anxiety medication that surpasses hunger at night , so in theory with the binges but in reality I still have intense cravings, except now it’s less magnified with hunger. I’m eating off the regular FAA food plan and avoiding restricting which is good.

So that’s my update, love you all and especially love you Krisen, my inner child, my inner teen, my inner critical parent, and the loving parent to those inner family that I am and becoming.