2 way prayer about my birthday yesterday

Dear God, I am so sad. I picked up junk las night, I couldn't tolerate the pain of not answering my mom's call yesterday. I couldn't answer all the other calls because I just didn't have the energy to perform. and even calls with my cousin was strained. People love me for a day and then I suffer in silence. cut them out the rest of the time. 😕 Why is life so hard God. Surely you had a part in making me this sensitive. It's not fair. 

Dear Son, that first sip of coffee, that's me, the lovely sunshine, the smiling kids, that's me. I guide you to those places. every time you're in despair and get out and your mood changes that's my nudge, my whisper, my pinch. 

You are okay my child. You survived a very difficult day and you used junk food to soothe your pain. I'm so sorry you had so much pain yesterday. A call from the guy you loved so much much who now has a family hurts so much. I feel it. The pain will pass my son. Trust me ; stay in the pain today, let it dissipate like magic and one day it will feel less. Trust me my beautiful son. 

love God. 

2 way prayer the other day after binge

 Dear god, i stuggled last night .I binged, I had ben and Jerry's and peanuts but you know that already, don't you?You saw how much I spent, broke curfew, walked past that pretty neighbour of mine who ignored me and who i ignored. I need help, can you please help me. I don't want to destroy myself with food. I don't want to hide myself in food hell. Can you please help me stay in recovery, stay in the solution. 

Dear Dear son, my poisan, my special K, I saw you. I just want to give you a big big hug. I'm so sorry you soothed youself with that food. You feel so disconnected from me. I don't feel disconnected from you. I am thrilled at your efforts day in and day out to be honest to others to claim your voice. Your willingness yesterday to make dinner and put away 3 frozen dinners. How cool is that?! I see how you do service and show up even when you feel awful and a wreck inside. I truly want you to know that I love you and I'm here for you . I'm here to nudge you , and whisper to you to hug you when you can't hug yourself. I'm here to say it's okay my love, you are okay, we'll be okay no matter what happens. 

Love,

God

2 way prayer today

 Dear God, why is it so hard to find you. Where are you and why do i struggle so much with food? is this my curse? do you want me to be lonely and wither my life away. WTF?

Dear Son of mine, oh joy oh bliss. I do not like seeing you suffer and struggle. that is not my dream for you. I also feel powerless when i see you struggle. I know the way but I do not control outcomes. I can't wave a magic wand and find you a parking spot. I just guide you to your best interest. It's a partnership my loved one. Special K, Master K, whaterver K you want to be. 

You made it easy for your sister to buy you a gift for your birthday. That was kind and you are getting her a lovely gift that she loves. she loves the world of books and getting her a book and gift card is great. AS for Vash, she does so much for you but you take her for granted. Send her a bottle of wine and a gift basket and make her feel special and loved. You have a good relationship with them and when you lower your expectations for your mom, you will also have a good relationship with her, inshallah. I am really sorry my little one that you are feeling so lousy and up and down and trying so hard. listen to your heartbecause that is where i speak to you and all will be well :)

Journal entry for OA writing meeting

People pleasing yuck and I so relate to that.

I face this constant inner turmoil so relentless.

Dealing with life on life terms

Taking risks

Being a dreamer a romantic and losing track of the details of living well

In the food again and again. Nights so lonely, keep me company I can't imagine a night by myself without using food. 

So much loneliness despair. Anger, frustration. Want others to soothe me cause I can't soothe myself.

Lost friends. Can't let anyone in. So scared of what they may find.

Can't even accept me and sometimes I feel hard to love

So being a man means being an asshole

Fuck that

Stop food, u suck. You're a phony lover. U don't soothe, u deceive and leave destruction. I hate u.

2 way prayer today on possibility of a romantic relationship

 God: My dear boy, you’ve been so hard on yourself. So very hard and scared. I understand. I cry for your past trauma and I see how much you have had to endure physically and mentally and emotionally, where was there room for spiritual. What does that mean you ask? It means trusting in a different plane, a different power. A power that won’t let you down , will always tell you the truth and Always for your best interest; no hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, just the truth out of love. You may have to go alone my dear boy, it’s where you grow the most. [ or try out a relationship to learn more about yourself] 

I see you Krisen. I see you my dear Boy, do not be afraid. trust me and lean on me to speak your truth. Your courage abounds. There’s abundance out there and you have a beautiful lively spirit. I know you feel old but your spirit lives eternal my son. There is plenty of time. You have all eternity to try. Love God. 

2 way prayer today

Dear God, thank you for all your help last night. Why does it have to be so hard to be by myself with my own thoughts, it’s so scary, so much pain, uncertainty, fear, paralysis. I’m so scared, nothings seems to be working :(

My dear child, son of mine, I love you so much. I can make the world stop for you. Your dad loved you the way I do. He just couldn’t show it. He gave you the gift of freedom; to survive [thrive] anywhere not tied down with his wealth. It hurt, I know my son. I see your pain and you always struggle and you feel so alone. 

But maybe take this as a way for you to connect and seek me to stop worshipping [putting on a pedestal] your parents and other people. You are doing great! I’ve got you, I carry you, I laugh with you and soon I’ll cry with you my son.