Check in

I really don't know what else to call this post. I missed work today. I felt the fog and then I talked with anthony and then frank and yanis so it's really was a shame filled and sometimes terrifying day for my inner. Grateful to connect with cirrus and setup a fact finding session with Ben on Monday morning. So there it is. I'm in montreal, all I want to do is have some part time love. I'm going thru grief and I feel terribly sad all the fucking time. I am not happy with my belly but I must trust that I'm eating the right portions and let go of everything else. God please help me get through this.

Here's a cool video I took of my training yesterday 

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

a journal entry from my ACA meeting.

I feel frustrated that I binged on peanuts last night. ..that I can't just sit with myself and enjoy my own company..that I can't do spontaneous things because I don't know what to do or I'm too tired to do anything other than numb out with food.  I feel like my inner child is playful and adventurous and wants to be loved but he is so sad and so lonely and doesn't know how to fill the void or express the sadness and despair sometimes.

My inner child feels completely betrayed by my inner parent . I don't want to always reach for food to break the loneliness but it's all I know how to do.  It is so very hard and draining 😔
I want to let out the tears of all the loss I felt..of my youth..of my dad passing away..my fractured family. I want to feel the unconditional love that my inner child deserved and rarely received.  I want to feel the stability of love and someone to have my back when I make a mistake or fall on my ass and helps me back up.  I wish I can stop abandoning my inner child through binge eating and adore and cherish him for the absolute beauty he is.