Withdrawal from A

It’s been fucking brutal and also soothing. Like the intense pain and longing i feel is burning some energy that I couldn’t access before. I’ve read that Grief is stored love that couldn’t be expressed. Idon’t know, logically i know that it’s the right move, we were doomed. But i can’t help dwelling on the rejection. that i was only viewed of as a friend. and I miss the signs of me wanting to be IN a relationship and me expressing a type of love and neediness that could not be recipricated. I used my logic to say that we were physcially and emotionally attraced to each other in a dead end situation. I said things about not being phsyically and emotionally able to handle kids. I constantly felt like my needs werent being met. Who can possibly meet my needs, No woman or guy is going to fulfill my needs of a parent, who’s going to put my needs first, and tell me that I’m okay and everything is going to be okay. All these things I know logically but A. you touched my heart, like so few have and That’s what i feel the most loss of,..”What could have been?” I’m listening to all this ACA theory about self abandonment and infatuation and codependency and “stay away from the addict” and all this shit, and yet you had a way of working into my heart that now i just have to ride out this painful wave, which feels like a fucking tsunami right now. And i’m really grateful that we weren’t physcially intimate because how much more messed up would i be. After Nasreen and I broke up, i couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t do work. and so it is….SIGH…