feelings

My cousin left today and I feel sad and relieved, because I can focus on my inner work and not have to people please. It was good to spend time with him, I love his consistency and I'm grateful that he's giving me his place to crash at. I still don't feel free, because there's some responsibility here and I just want to feel absolutely free like if I explore and things go south, it's only my thing just like I had with my condo. I guess I've always cared so much about what people thought about me. I couldn't imagine how the couple on my floor would yell and scream at each other and then be so loving. They were young and really didn't care..how many times did security come up…and they really didn't care. I envy that. I want to not care.

I've divested from my mom's credit card with my fido number and I really just fucking feel all the withdrawal from A. From my mom. It's getting much better with A, but last night I masturbated to the fantasy of her and that doesn't help. I like how Goggins, don't let your mind hijack your life.

Learning to live with my feeligns and know that they can't kill me. That's a real trip.

Truly fucking grateful to finally fucking finish the small ass account but oh how sweet it is to have done it myself. For that I'm extraordinarily grateful for. Now I can bill.