I had a really good session with Phil today. I pounded the couch so much and for the first time there were held back tears and pain behind the anger and rage. I felt like i could cry for about 10% of me and my learned behaviors of holding thiings in had a hairline crack in it’s armour. There’s a rebellious angry inner child that just want’s to be free, have it’s way and wants my attention so bad. It scares me, I’m so used to being in control of my emotions and now that I’ve put down the food to numb my feelings, I’m having to deal with all the true uncomfortable emotions. Sometimes people share that the feelings really do feel like it’s going to kill them. I’ve had a couple male friends calling me and started crying. With Al. it really suprised me. I thought he had the perfect life, consultant, house on college street, wife, kid, and then realized he was in so much of pain. That is how i’m feeling now. Writing is very cathartic, I really have to lock into this pain and just feel it. I realize that in the end we are alone with ourselves, our HP and this world.
tony A said “ I don’t know what my rights are and what my wrongs are , all i know is i feel abandoned and filled with pain. I live with pain, anxiety, unshed tears, and I’m always on the verge of grief.”
“HP empty me of me and fill me with thee…I would like to be emptied of shame, guilt, fear, terror, uncertainty, and the desperate need to be loved externally becuase i can’t love myself”
The Goal of doing the ACA stepwork is to develop self love and be open enough to receive the love of the higher power.
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