The healing work that I'm doing on myself

I had to create a toolbox of strenghts so that When I’m feeling weak as I’m doing now, i can turn to this. I’ve slowly getting over A. I’ve been able to work on my sleep without the pills and I’ve changed my behaviour especially around keeping my comittments. I’ve been doing my tapping exercises and sitting with my feelings as much as I possibly can and I’ve been trying to name the hurts that I’m feeling. Like right now I’m upset at myself for trying to connect with the group when i’ve been silent on the group. and my silence speaks words. so i have to accept my side of the street and I have to maintain my boundary. it’s all been very confusing and Isai has maintained the contact with me when I’ve been slack. I forgive myself . I was weak on this boundary and I forgive myself. i am doing the absolute best i can . I am scared at the upcoming visit with Rodney and Isai and Mo and Nishal etc. I guess I will do my best. I’ve overcome a terrible depression and i put my best in the job that I had where i did manual work and i will continue to give my best and work hard, i’ts fucking hard sometimes and i slip and i’m compassionate with myself becuase this recovery work is not easy, it’s time consuming and noone in my family understand so I sometimes feel so alone and question why i’m doing what I’m doing. Some days I just want to hide under the covers and not deal with life. but most days I get up and keep going.

so for now, i’m most proud of my tatoo, the trip i made to pittsburgh and new york, how i’ve taken care of my body, how i overcame my fear of swimming and public speaking. How i’ve come to accept my leg as is and the fight i did to heal and get better. The boundaries i’ve set with my mom and the love and acceptance I show her as an aging person who is scared and also going through a difficult time. For the plans i make and the realization that I go for a theme, put in the effort and let the universe decide the outcome. That the acceptance there is no right or wrong decision, just a decision and i must adapt. That when I have a strong WHY, i can figure out the how. That I do my best to give back and stay in reality. That i’ve got realizations with myself of my emotional cup and what i’m able to give.

I’m most proud of the work i’ve done with Phil and my sponsors and that i’m able to progress with recovery and keep my commitments while working the 4th step in both programs. I’ts a shit ton of work and I’m also proud of the notes that I’ve made with my sessions with Phil, they’ve been immensely helpful to track my progress. I’m most proud that I can keep my commitments to others and that I’m getting better at not over-committing and being honest both with myself and others. I’m most proud of putting down the mask whenever I’m able to. and I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing to connect with and nuture my inner child and discover my loving inner parent.

I’m incredibly proud of the work i’m doing with david goggins and the relationship work.

Okay over and out.