Today is my dad's 73rd birthday. I feel sad about him. I've reconnected with my mom today, I feel good. I told her I'd be back next week. I'm listening to the Rage portion of abandonment recovery. it's after internalising which I felt a lot after the unrequited love with A. I feel like a piece of crap..and sometimes I feel so angry about the rejection. So much anger of being let go. I feel so much anger to her that she kept keeping me on as a friend for she was afraid of the abandonment..but toying with my fucking emotions. I don't care that I've done it in the past. Karma is just my way of rationalising it. I felt love for her and she left me. I was vulnerable with her and she left me anwayz. I really fucking hope that she sees how she enjoyed the rejection and how easy it was for her.
I also feel angry that she protected and guarded herself and I was the fucker that read too much into it.
I'm off to get groceries now and then pack and then off to manhattan.
The book says I should watch for irritability and rage because I'm easily triggered. My amigdala is looking for emotional threats that reminds of the old trauma.
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.
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