It's been a cool couple of days. I don't relate much to my cousin anymore. I guess I never did, other than we have familiarity and respect. He's his dad and puts a lot of fucking pressure on himself. An undiagnosed exercise addict but that's his inventory. I appreciate his support and him letting me stay at his place. A. Comes into my mind all the fucking time..like waves. I keep berating myself for choosing someone so much younger but the idea of having a kid and insta family appealed to me with her. But so much like me fucking controlling and as Phil says I would be in bondage to her and live in fucking slavery. It's hard though I try to rationalise and justify how it was nothing, how it was unrequited love and the truth is she fucking rejected me so many times. But really she chose me, just like fucking Nasreen chose me and the German girl chose me and Ira chose me, I've not pursued people I've not cchosen and I want to choose. I don't want to be chosen. It's not that I was lazy it's that I was terrified of rejection and as Tony A says terror and fear follows me everywhere..its not my fault. It just is. And I like what fuck it says..we attach meaning to things and invite the suffering, rather than it just is. I don't fukcign know why I was so fucked over A, it just was. I don't fucking need to attach meaning to it..
I'm looking forward to the alone time and plotting the next move but first today I've got an OA meeting in pittsburg this morning. Really truly looking forward to this. Will write again shortly.
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.
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