Hmmmm I'm not sure why I wanted to write today. I just felt like I needed to get my feelings to the surface. I feel loss and then I feel acceptance and then I feel bargaining and then I feel want and lust and I get aroused. My anxiety keeps flaring up. I am tryingy earnest to live in the moment but it's so hard sometimes. I was inspired but the work I did. And I'm also learning to accept this quicker. Like maybe life is meant to be different and the little things that don't work make me interact with others. I really like that.mom asked me if I wanted help dancing and I said no. I really just want to take the time to go through my stuff I just wish that I could have the door opened when I do that but even still I need to accept that. Man I remember the days when I felt so ducking depressed. Just eating and sleeping. What a miserable time. And I would rage on my mom and she just took it and I feel bad and I'm trying to just change my behavior towards her.
A. I accept that I will have conflicted emotions to you. I accept that It feels like it ended too soon. And I accept that it was unhealthy for me and it was better off if I could just be a friend. I accept that I said some lousy nasty things which I wish I could take back and I said those things out of anger. I will always feel completely lousy about leaving you emotionally. I said you need a loving and supportive friend and I couldn't be that. That is something that haunts me now. Phil said I'll be living in slavery to be with you. You made me realize that I've got to deal with my inner wounds and heal and love myself as a child of the universe just as any other.
I so want the tears to come. I'm tired of trying sometimes just so much out there and I'm not sure what energy I'm putting out there. I feel like there can be some growth in this pain, I really do hope thats the case otherwise it's just so fucking pointless a life without romantic love. Tired of being a monk and stuck in my own head.
I'm waiting for doctor Bruno now she is supposed to help me with the induction test I truly hope that it's just over and done with . I know that she's not going to find anything so I just don't want False hope. My day is pretty gentle today I really need to just get out of myself and just be with my feelings. I feel.Like I'm doing too much.
I'm off to the Apple store to get my Mac fixed. Frustrated at stupid Apple. I upgraded the OS and the internet stopped working.. And then I tried to restore from the backup. And that failed. Stupid stupid Apple.
Doctor Bruno was awesome ...she took a complete history and when I spoke about my childhood abandonment.. She asked why social services weren't called. That shocked me...um yeah we were lucky they weren't. I hope nobody reads this except my trusted inner circle this is realfly to Mich for my family to handle. And I don't want to blame my parents because I'm truly grateful foe being born.
Anyway same shit..it's a pain that apparently my Brain is magnifying. And it's a combo of exercise, stretching, meds for sleep , CBT living environments, etc etc.
I met an awesome assistant Priya, she was so cool to talk to. The needles felt a bit like toture. And she turned it around.
Writing this is so cathartic and I'm enjoying blogging my feelings. It's putting it out there and I know that at least one person is reading it.
I went from intense sadness and dissapointment to feeling good. I'm talking through my feelings and letting it out through this medium. Thanks fuck!
A. I accept that I will have conflicted emotions to you. I accept that It feels like it ended too soon. And I accept that it was unhealthy for me and it was better off if I could just be a friend. I accept that I said some lousy nasty things which I wish I could take back and I said those things out of anger. I will always feel completely lousy about leaving you emotionally. I said you need a loving and supportive friend and I couldn't be that. That is something that haunts me now. Phil said I'll be living in slavery to be with you. You made me realize that I've got to deal with my inner wounds and heal and love myself as a child of the universe just as any other.
I so want the tears to come. I'm tired of trying sometimes just so much out there and I'm not sure what energy I'm putting out there. I feel like there can be some growth in this pain, I really do hope thats the case otherwise it's just so fucking pointless a life without romantic love. Tired of being a monk and stuck in my own head.
I'm waiting for doctor Bruno now she is supposed to help me with the induction test I truly hope that it's just over and done with . I know that she's not going to find anything so I just don't want False hope. My day is pretty gentle today I really need to just get out of myself and just be with my feelings. I feel.Like I'm doing too much.
I'm off to the Apple store to get my Mac fixed. Frustrated at stupid Apple. I upgraded the OS and the internet stopped working.. And then I tried to restore from the backup. And that failed. Stupid stupid Apple.
Doctor Bruno was awesome ...she took a complete history and when I spoke about my childhood abandonment.. She asked why social services weren't called. That shocked me...um yeah we were lucky they weren't. I hope nobody reads this except my trusted inner circle this is realfly to Mich for my family to handle. And I don't want to blame my parents because I'm truly grateful foe being born.
Anyway same shit..it's a pain that apparently my Brain is magnifying. And it's a combo of exercise, stretching, meds for sleep , CBT living environments, etc etc.
I met an awesome assistant Priya, she was so cool to talk to. The needles felt a bit like toture. And she turned it around.
Writing this is so cathartic and I'm enjoying blogging my feelings. It's putting it out there and I know that at least one person is reading it.
I went from intense sadness and dissapointment to feeling good. I'm talking through my feelings and letting it out through this medium. Thanks fuck!
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