a difficult time today

I ate my sandwhich today at 6pm, it was my dinner that i prepared and i’m grateful for preparing it rather than buying lunch which i cannot afford. I really don’t want to go into debt. I only have to take care of myself but I also have been having a hard time with the transition. This afternoon after lunch I went to do some more job hunting in the basement and then I stumbled accross a video that made me tear and very sad, It was the lady who’s famous naked child body was shown as she was burnt with the bomb in vietnam, it was horrific and i felt so sad. i also felt so sad when she said she wanted to commit suicide and she found jesus and I felt like I’m so far from getting the faith that she has, but she talked about the new testament, not the old. Sooo I just keep plugging away at spirituality the best way I can. I reached out to a couple people but no luck and i felt even loneliner, i kept asking God to kill me because I have intense sadness but can’t shed tears and I don’t know how to let it come. I got to an OA meeting online and shared and this helped me greatly with conneciton. Actually the nap that i took helped refreshed me and get me up. i also felt like a loser because my 87 year old roommate was out learning how to play cards and here i was depressed and napping because i was just overwhelmed by the sadness. My mom also texted me so that set me off too.

When I got to the starbucks, I connected with a guy i knew and i told him that I wanted to change my name to Neo..he got it, asked if I was the chosen one. I said better than Krist or Kristen. I did a lot of reading and what I read was enlightening, it was a new book that I got as a recommendation from Jerry Wise, it’s called “Backbone Power, The science of saying no” I like it a lot and soemthing struck me about how an addict is a master manipulator and leach onto to people pleasers to get their needs met. An addict needs tough love. It immediately got me thinking about how i really wanted to get on my own two feet and not live off swaraj. That really bothers me. I pray that I can be disciplined to put job hunting first no matter what.