how i feel today.

I was on a meeting today and i unmuted while peeing, whoops, i felt a bit of shame but i wasn’t shamed and I’m grateful that people have short memories, i’m so tired of this slow ass phone, but i’m grateful it has 2 lines. right now the fire alarm is going off. I’m listening to a woman on the call who loves to talk, and this asshole who keeps coming up and intimidating people with his long ass rants, I just leave the call after. These fuckers don’t like to time themselves. Ahhh bless and release. take what I need and leave the rest, i know i’ve got some moral superiority here but I just wish that people would play fair, everyone else times themselves. why can’t these fuckers. I’m so very grateful to be journaling on this mac on this computer. Today I spoke with Perry’s friend, Aly, he asked if i was coming out and I told him yes. I don’t know what that means, well maybe it’s i bought a bride pride mask and i’m proudly wearing it. in the beginning I felt scared and now well if i’m bullied or gay bashed it’s going to happen anyway, i might as well let that be for who i am. Man this fire alarm is still going on. So i slept on the floor last night, i was sooo very lonely and i was scared about slipping into an oblivion of isolation, today I will change that, i will go to the gym so that I can at least be in the presence of people, it’s so hard though. I have so much sadness in my eyes, I feel very lonely and alone.

The guy on the call said he’s incapable of asking for help and I so relate to that. i so so relate to feeling lonely and not being able to reach out and ask for help. I so relate to getting used to the chorus in my head of being alone and listening to my voice complain about loneliness and not having the answers. replaying all the times i’ve run, all the failed relationships, all the brutal crushes that caused me so much pain and anxiety. i look at myself with compassion, i’m trying to acknowlege the critic voice in me, try harder, do better, CHANGE….but i realize that I’m just trying to be and look after myself the best that i can.