A difficult morning

I feel so fucking weak today, feeling self hatred . i feel fear, I asked for the $20 i filled gas in a whatsapp, and Im afraid that he thinks im cheating him because I didn’t mention when he asked how much it costs. why do i take responsibility for these motherfuckers feelings, so much caretaking, i’m soooo fucking tired of it. I binged last night on sugar and peanuts. i waste so much money on food, i hate this part of me. money I do not have. i feel so much shame about my wasting money of food. I when i binge shop i don’t even look at the prices and i tend to buy the big sized stuff. Aggh. deep breath teen K, i know you are angry as fuck, today we will hit the weights and let off some of that steam. It’s OOOOKKKKK. i need to stop watching the news, it’s fueling my anxiety and anger. Fear so much fear. My friend just acknowledged that he will pay me for the gas. Thank you Krees, im so proud of you and I’m so glad i listened to you. I went to get starbucks coffee, shared at the FAA meeting and i reached out to my FAA sponsor. I see how i go to shame hits and relive painful thoughts, i notice that I want to access them. maybe because its familiar. today i felt shame at an FAA share and i called it out and reached out to my sponsor and he was very kind and loving and i let it go. This is a new skill i’m noticing, and that mantra, i made a mistake, i’m not a mistake. i know why i don’t want to make mistakes, theres been so much shame in me acknowledging my weakness and making mistakes. i see my false self, wanting to portray the stoich, no tears, no fear, wear that mask everyting is fine outside and inside i’m falling apart. Theres even a just for today in OA, my feelings will be hurt but i will not show it…what the fuck?!