Todays ACA journaling

Its a better morning. I binged on peanuts and fried chicken last night. Thankfully, I bought smaller quantities and did not go down to the convenience store In my building last night. i feel so sad that I missed my sisters call, she’s older by me 2 years and she was my substitute mother for a few years when no parents around. Its not spiritual food I ate last night. I against cruel treatment of animals and factory farming. cest la vie. Do the best I can. The food program is hard. Need to prepare in advance but food for nutrition and not for comfort I’m having a hard time getting used to. I’m often in emotional pain. Offered yesterday to lend another addict some money. Money I don’t have. Im trying to solve his problem rather than taking care of myself. In reality I wanted a different version of him. I hate his neediness, reminds me of my own. And he doesn’t want to the do the ACA work, keeps making excuses. I’m so angry that he readily accepted help. 3rd person I’ve offered large for me (sums of money too) why do I write cheques I cant cash. I gave the absued LGBTQ lady from Costa Rica money I cannot even remember her name. I gave my cousin the addict the money, he didn’t even say thank you. I feel so used by all these people. The lady checks on me all the time, I met her in the depression support group at the church. My cousin has his father and mother who can bail him out. Why do I do this I am getting into debt for these people. I can’t buy love. I want to give emotional support and money to parasites so they won’t leave me. Please please stay. I hated myself yesterday I hated my weakness. Today I told the guy that I need to take care of myself the next few days. It seems like its a long road to travel every I feel guilt about my mom and that she may never change and my sisters that they dont change and it breaks my heart. I feel like an orphan from family of origin. I am such a different person. I asked HP God for help today, help me know you in whatever forms is right for me. Im struggling with religion, yesterday the guy outside walmart saying Jesus loves me and I read the pampleth and he said we are sinners. Does that mean defects. I’m so confused. I cannot do this alone.