I feel so tired today. Sugar fog from mini binge last night. Im glad I took care of myself by stopping off at motel instead of driving 3 more hours to montreal in night and sugar high. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I don’t like the weight gain, it was tough to see my sister and kids and reveal my weight gain, I felt so awkward, could feel them staring at me, what happened to the guy who had the six pack, wore a couple sizes lower and was obsessed with exercise. I’m still here, just giving in to my emotional pain and anxiety and the isolation was oh so hard. It was so nice to get hugs long hugs from my niece and nephews and even my sister and bro in law. They are so loving, they’ve seen me through the very worst and still love me no matter how I look. I know that its conditional love thought, like fish I start to wreak after a few days and then im taken for granted again and their abuse starts. Im only loved because they haven’t seen me for long and I have my own indpendence. I don’t need them like I did before for my survival and then my sister couldn’t wait to get rid of me and continue with her life. She justified it on God, she has faith in God, but really it was my mom who helped me, the closest to unconditional love that I Have, and im grateful for her, even if there is so much that I can’t tolerate. I feel so guilty that I went to Toronto, saw my sisters family and didn’t see my mom. My brother in law rubs it in and I hate him for that, all of a sudden his mom is a saint because she died and I remember conversations when all he did was yell at her. So stop your hypocrisy thinking that you had the perfect happy clappy christian family. I spent the week working in an office doing IT work, it was nice but intense and I wasn’t used to doing that type of focused work for hours, I did enjoy what I was doing though. There’s of course a nagging part that I don’t deserve the coporate office job, I don’t deserve the beautiful condo and I don’t deserve to be happy when so many people are suffering. I don’t know if that will ever leave me. It was hard seeing the homeless and addicts in Toronto. I just feel so much guilt, that’s why I identify with christian catholic flogging. my niece said she studied Adam and eve in her bible studies, here is a talented well educated future doctor and a feminist and she believes in that and being gay is a sin . Uggh I will never understand and I feel like I have to be my false self around them. So happy to have my own world in montreal, I absolutely loved the beauty of Lake Ontario and all my favourite spots and coffee shops and people who recognized me and genuinely happy to see me, miss that so much in montreal and im grateful to have a couple close friends who accept me as I am. My therapist said its okay to be happy to be back home and remember why I moved to montreal and it was a good move. And I don’t need to have black and white thinking about that. Im grateful for that. I spent so much of time trying to keep the condo clean because it was being shown to potential renters, I learned new appreciaion for having a clean place with everything put away and I hope I can declutter and ask for help in my Montreal place. It was so so nice to walk into a place that was so well organized with a beautiful view, I really did feel so luxurious. I try not to attach to things but it was a part of me that I had forgotten about and even tried to kill and suddenly for this past week it all came back to me. Maybe thats a gift from my higher power. I still have to process that.
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