Been a while since i used this title. I feel so out of it today. I had a Binge last night. Agggh, feel like shit and i don’t like how my belly loooks like umm a belly. I’m relaxing by listening to calming music while drinking Starbucks coffee, okay there’s a contradiction. I had to send an email about an IT initiative and I’m so scared. The owner wants me to be more proactive and take it on but i just don’t have the server administration skills to do this. I’ve tried multiple times but its not my interest and i end up procrastinating things. I guess, its a good sign that if I’m procrastinating something, it’s a shoulda versus i wanna. Taken me so long to realize, right now the shoulda’s are. I should learn French. There’s a part of me that want’s to and i enjoy speaking it when i do, but i feel so insecure and low esteem that I always err on the let’s do English instead.
It’s been very humbling to have to deal with plumbing issues. And to face my grief so many feelings come up and the hardest thing is now what the hell do i want in this thing called life. What do i want in terms of love, making an income etc. I am clinging less to IT as my identity and recognizing strengths in other area, i won’t be defined by the things i can’t do but the things i can and that is my strength, I’m going to be honest about this because lying to myself really does suck.
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