Feeling lethargic today. I was abstinent from food binge yesterday, yay! Instead I turn to porn, fantasy and self pleasure. I don’t know the cravings for junk food is so fucking strong I need to numb out or distract in some way I feel. I am dealing with low body image. I hate the way my body looks and feels and that I have barley fitting pants, and I live mostly in sweat pants. Its okay Dear Krisen, it will and is getting better you dressed well today. I went to the gym yesterday, its a trainer that I admire and really like, there’s another cute guy who I like but he doesn’t give me the time of day, maybe he senses my gayness. My trainer said instead of being stuck why dont I express my bisexuailty by being femme gay one month and super hetero the next month. If only it was so easy and possible how, I dont know how to be anyone but not me and my fearfful self. Its really sad that I dont live in Uganda or republic of Georgia where they kill LGBTQ people I live in open montreal and lived near gay village Toronto but I put my own shackles, the society programming that says heterosexual is normal and homosexuality is sin and shameful , so so so shameful. I kissed a guy once and ùi was surprised that it was just like kissing a women, that really shocked me. Im spending a lot to deal with the loneliness. Im scared, I need to stop. I can handle it so far because of credit but I can’t fill the need for companionship and intimacy with gadgets, subscriptions and food. I bumped into a former colleague yesterday, it was so nice to have friends in this city. And friends who love me as I am.
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