day after chocolate binge

I was feeling very lonely last night. I turned to my comfort, House episodes and chocolates and I opened the garage door and snuck out and got the chocolates from my trunk and snuck back in. I was afraid that I’d wake up swaraj but she was fast asleep i think. Those chocolates were not mine, they were meant for the guy who cleared the snow. I thought I could keep it in the trunk so i wouldn’t get it, but I knew that it was my insurance policy. I had the first one, then the second, then the next and was so very dissapointed when it finished. This all while keeping the lights closed so that I wouldn’t be able to see what i was doing. i wanted it to be dark and unconcious that act that I did so often from the age of 13 when I numbed out with television watching and chips just to face the loneliness and painful feelings of despair and puberty and shyness and social anxiety. I dunno what that 13 year old was feeling but he was so lost. After the chocolates finished I snuck back up and got some peanut butter from the fridge, this was to replace the peanut butter that I’d already eaten and i was hoping swaraj would not see me and I snuck down the stairs and missed a step and my arm hit the door handle and i had the thought too myself, i’m doing this for my fucking fix. I woke up with sugar high/hangover and was immediately grateful that i hadn’t finished too much of the peanut butter, my stomach would have been gutted if I had, so it would have been a double wammy of upset head and tummy. I just listened to some meditation which was custom made for me by my hypnotherapist in south africa, it’s tied so much with my adult self talking to my child self and encouraging him for self love and turning the signals on in my brain for confidence and self esteem and today I put up truth and courage to face what i want.

I was very saddened still about A. i miss her so much and when I think of her so see her in videos I feel so sad. I go there once in a while , thank god it’s not daily like it used to be. A are you thinking about me when i think about you, have you forgotten me, was it easy for you when we stopped talking, are you upset with me because of my broken promises and the shitty things i said when I was desparate. I wish you well, i don’t wish harm for you. There are times i really wish you never came into my life. I always think about showing up at a meeting with you and then i think about how i’ll still be attracted and longing for you and I know that i’m scared to face that situation. I have to remind myself whey i didn’t respond to your last text and I have to remind myself that I really didn’t know you. that who you were in person and text was different from that person on email and i really fell in love with that person. Also i have to remind myself that you really turned me on. and I would have been a slave to you like i was to nasreen. I don’t like my life right now. I don’t like my age, my loneliness, my aches and pains and what i do with this addiction. I really fucking hate it.