2 way prayer May 21st

 Dear God, Hi are you there. I am so happy I got up for this prayer meeting. What happened last night God, where were you? I had a second helping of food and I didn't think to call my friend from the food program, even then I comitted to call her. I feel shame today. The cravings are so intense god. I was so close to calling uber eats or going accross the street to the gas station. Why God, why god does it have to be so hard , such a struggle. I'm getting unwanted attention from Brian and Laura, please God, talk to their higher power, I don't want to hurt their feelings and it causes me angst. I'm aware and I won't flirt God. So much happening all the fucking time. Stop already...please?

God replies...

My dear dear Boy, you are heard, seen and loved. I am so so sorry that you are going through this, pick yourself up, dance, sing, smile..you have life today! If you need a release, shed a tear my boy, I know it's hard for you to cry but it's possible my boy, it's possible. One day, the flood gates will open, but till that time, a slow drip or two will do. The world is magnificent because you're in it! Don't foget to play today. it's Friday!!

2 way prayer past

Dear God thank you! Thank you for the willingness to do this meeting and for those who give wonder service. I feel sad that I got back in the food yesterday. Not a moment’s willingness to put it down or reach out for help. What the fuck? God I am so troubled and scared by my finances. This incompetent accountant is only making matters worse. Please take away my laziness re; work. I’m so isolated and I don’t want to get out there and look for consistent work. God please help me overcome this laziness and help me be willing to try different things for income.

God am I kidding myself with this IT freelancing. Why is it act I do so little billable work? Why am I so uninspired when it can pay me so well. Please help me with this God.

From God, HP Christ, Allah Buddha, love love love.

Dearest precious one, Breathe reengage your senses. You are doing great, what better way to reengage the senses that being at Nun’s island :). I’m so very proud that you are focusing on your health and that you cut your medication in half and that pleases me so very much. You want to feel again and you want to release through tears so very happy and heart warmed to hear that. You are so isolated and lonely my boy. I get it and you want to be around others. Relax my son, take a bubble bath. All this added fears and stress are old fears and not based on today’s reality. Get support for the compulsive spending, work with your FAA food sponsor and therapists and space out the therapy so that you can rely on your journaling and connection with God and your fellows. Your truly loved and adored my little one.

2 way prayer past

Dearest God, thank you for last night. It was nice to not eat junk, I ate a whole banana and a bit of yogurt which was fine. God thank you for that gift. I sometimes wish I connected to you more at night. Especially the the cravings are fast and furious. I am so happy that I have something to look forward to ie. jogging and playing basketball in the mornings. Its’ something I think about during the cravings and it helps me. P.S. I feel scared about getting back to the recruiter about the IT job. What am I getting myself into God?

Dearest precious son of mine… You’re welcome!! You are heard my little one and loved, so very loved. I get you, I feel you. It’s scary to get back into the work world, work can be an addiction for you, like Gaming. You are afraid little one so very afraid, remember you don’t have to do anything alone anymore! You are free to do things, you are free to fail at things, you’ve never gotten fired , and you’ve just quit before you would. And that is okay. We can handle rejection togtether. You didn’t fall apart when things didn’t go well after your first date. Guess what?! That was then and this is now. You are loved oh precious one, so very loved :)

Today's 2 way prayer

 Dearest god, thank you for last night, it was nice to not eat junk food. I ate a whole banana and a bit of yogurt which was fine. God thank you for that gift. I sometimes wish i connected to you more at night, especially when the cravings come fast and furious. I am so happy that I have something to look forward to, the jogging and plyaing basketball in the morning. It's something i think about during the cravings and it helps me. Anyway thank  you.  P.S. I fell scared about getting back to the recruiter about the IT job, what am i getting myself into God? 

Dearest precious  son of mine. You're welcome! You are heard my little one and loved, so very loved. I get you i feel you. It's scary to get back into the work world. work can be an addiction for you like Gaming ;) You are afraid. little one, so very afraid. remember you don't have to do anything alone anymore. you are free to try things and you are free to fail at things. you're never gotten fired,  you just quit before  you felt like you're getting fired . that is okay. We can handle rejection together. You didn't fall apart when things didn't go well on your 3rd date. guess what, that was then and this is now. You are loved , oh so very loved my little one. 

Dear god, I feel so very scared , scared to be me, to be gay, to go against the norms of society. I’m so tired of this fake life Please help me, I don’t want to live this way anymore.

My dearest son, joy and love of my life. I feel so sad to see you in pain. I “see you” I want you to “see” you and accept and love yourself and remove the shackles that you put on yourself. You are watched and guided my son. I will always guide you to the right path. That’s the little voice in your head, your intuition. So long have you worried about others and have forgotten to “live” . Like a 2 year old who throws caution to the wind and explores and plays without fear, I want that for you son. You looked into the eyes of Dave yesterday , the older man you met from Kijiji and you felt instant attraction and you were scared of it. This has been going on for over 12 years son, it’s been too long ever since you felt attraction for Perry on that toronto street.

It’s time my son, it’s time to trust me and follow your heart. The world is going to move on with or without you. No one person stops the world or life from moving on. I love you my dear boy, it’s time to love yourself.

feeling shame

It’s so very painful. I keep sending my family messages only for them to ignore me. I fucking hate it. I realize I do the same but it hurts so much. Why Krisen, you even uninstalled signal and you keep trying and you keep getting hurt and feel so much of shame. Isn’t it time little one, isn’t it time to not reach out to those that can’t give you what you need. I feel so sorry for my mom and what she must go through. I realized that I’m not my mom’s higher power and she has her own ways of dealing with her wounds and rejection. Hurt people hurt people, ain’t that the fucking truth. Thank you Claire for relating to me. It’s so so very hard to be in my skin. It’s such a lonely existence now. I’m trying so very hard to be kind and gentle with myself. I just want to let go and grieve. I hate being stuck. I hate it I hate it so fucking much. I hate being wounded and I hate feeling so powerless.

2 way prayer about Denis

Dear God please help me with the bully. Why god am I so afraid of him. Thank you so much for a night of abstinence. Thank you God. I’m so glad that I asked Gary to be my sponsor and he accepted. 

Dear precious one, oh love of mine. Im so sorry that you feel scared, sometimes terrified. You were questioning if this IT support work is for you after the email last night. I can’t tell you yes or no, all I know is that you are good at it. The CEO trusts you and respects you, even if the IT bully doesn’t. His name is Denis, let’s call him that. I’ve sent a note to his HP to send him more love so that he feels good. 

Hurt people hurt people , the only thing I ask of you my precious child is keep being the loving soul that you are. You have made so much strides with forgiveness of yourself and others. Keep your heart open my son, don’t let another close your heart.