notes from therapy session

Tapping "even though I binged last night and feel gross, I deeply love honour and accept myself as I am" Yesterday I tested attraction to Eva the furniture installer by asking her to help me translate something on screen, she came close to me and I got scared. I was mostly afraid of rejection if I tried to get her attention and then I felt awkward and wanted her to leave. Triggered when I go out socially, like wanting more from the other person than they're willing to give me Anette and anoop deeper hugs. ‎Commented on how destructive the binges are and wonder if it was worth it. Difference with a treatment center where most of the focus is on myself. Acknowledge the boundaries I set with Thomas with not getting the uhaul truck and for standing up for myself with Anoop when confronted. I projected about the guy with disfigured face at the passport office, make a judgment of his courage bravery and acceptance and then compare and shame myself against current me. I have a more negative unsafe bias about the world and my/its future. Thoughts about threat of violence from my mom, Denis the rager, admiring and loving them. So inconsistent, be on guard don't want to set them off. Unstable mom and dad, always waiting for carpet to be pulled underneath me and hypervigilent Approval is important to me and disapproval stings I feel more comfortable giving help than receiving it. I'm afraid of my sorrow, I don't know if it will scare away someone and don't know if it will have an end. My ex gf, came over one day when I told her I was depressed, she brought me a latte and came to clean my place. She knew depression. I was there for her when she found her mom dead and I was a shoulder for her to cry on, she sobbed. It felt nice and also awkward to receive the help. So sad and hurt yesterday when Jean luc didn't like the shelfs I created. Started to shame myself for being too impulsive and not researching it enough, maybe I needed to build steps to get to the top. I wrote about it in 2 way prayer and hp said it was an act of love, and how I'm going to know unless I try. I can be very hard on myself. I see that in my grandma, mom and sisters, very critical when not in best form calls themselves stupid. Anna said it's okay to anticipate others needs when I have the space and ability to do it, not the shirt of my back, part of me the magic part, as I give more I recieve, not necessarily true in capitalism. Don't need to reject it if it was born out of disfunction environment.