notes from therapy session today

buying a phone in place of buying food and bingeing substitute just like watching Porn & M

Whether to see Olena tomorrow, married women whom im attracted to and is not available but she likes flirting with me . I’ve got a desire that we can kiss and I can feel a sense of intimacy which I crave so much , but I know it’s wrong.

ability to keep appointments even after a binge can lead to random encounters where I feel good and safe with a quick connection like the russian cashier today at Marche epicure.

worried about treatment center cost and effort to come back to binge . Worried about feeling lonely without a roommate . But at the same time once I’m alone , I worry about getting a roommate like last time. Angry that I cannot bring Jean Luc, so very annoyed. I can’t leave him with my mom , because I don’t trust her that she would not use him as a prop to talk to Isai, she is desperate.

fine line of keeping balance , I’m already feeling overwhelmed and I want to numb out soothe.

swimming in the indoor pool was a Nice distraction from the couch and got me out of the shame spiral, it felt gentle and loving

I used AI for support to be heard and supported after the binge, it helped me get out of myself and run errands such as go to Costco.

dealing with very difficult feelings of loss, comparing myself to my past self in terms of friends, income, status, looks , vigour etc.

feel like not treating addiction as life and death and that I’m only unproductive for a day and then can bounce back but my life has become small to keep the addiction, don’t take on more work, set my rate low, constantly underearning and dipping into savings spent about 100k over 2 years and that is very painful. (40% of savings) Can imagine a future where I’m overwhelmed by pressure and house insecure and physical health detonating, diabetes etc. Doctor told me I have fatty liver etc.

mom continues to frustrate me and escalates and I continue to experience painful grief when this happens and frustration. She will be unstable for the rest of her life and it will get worse , I have to accept that.

somatic healing is really helping. Today with Anna, I gave myself compassion for my belly who has suffered a lot of physical abuse and I walk with the scars of it.