notes from today's therapy session

It’s okay to ask someone for questioning about my treatment center or how that made me feel hurt when they didn’t. To teach them, reminded me of nasreen who was used to sharing freely but didn’t know that I had to be prompted. Initial reaction was that makes me effeminate. Problem that men face today. and I’m conditioned like that. 

Not sure if meeting with Olena was good, the binge was hard and I also liked going out to meet her and dressing up and putting on aftershave. I felt confused with the signals from her, she wore makeup and looked good. She may not be able to express her own emotions as she told me . Some people may not know how to ask me and I limit what I share with her or what I’m looking for from her. 

I’m afraid of starting something because I’m so unstable, I’m looking forward to treatment center and somatic work. I’m afraid both of them especially somatic might be a waste of time. I want to let go and shed tears like matt Damon in good will hunting. I want to release the stuck grief from my body. 

Encounter with neighbour is all I can handle a brief conversation , I feel unsafe when It goes to more. So scared, so not ready. At same time im frustrated because I want sexual intimacy. 

In ways I am practicing setting boundaries, like limits with Tomas and my evangelical friend from buffalo. I want to keep practicing exposure with err on safety because bingeing can be so destructive. 

The grounding breathing is nice to re-regulate. I’ve also been really appreciating the 4am somatic practice with the europeans. 

Still having issues with compare and despair, when I parallel parked today I did it in one go and made me think about nasreen and how she found it sexy and then how she chose an army guy who was manly and I was not. Also related how my mom feels so low esteem when compared to her more “successful” friends. It bothered me that I couldn’t be happy for gurinder or for Vash’s success in business. 

I attuned to people, came out of enmeshment and safety reasons, its a good trait. I just need to find the right people to attune to. Keep people on outer circles, until I meet the right ones to bring into the inner circle.