Yesterday I wrote to my dad and I told him how much I wanted to be like him and wanted his love and approval and it was so nice.he told me to let that version of him Go, he let it go, he’s no longer like that he has different values now. I told him I wished I was better with women and made him proud and how I loved how we bonded when talking about Nareen and how aggressive she was in bed and then I talked about my failed attempt on my birthday in the hotel in nyc and she not sleeping with me. That is so very painful so very painful. Dad told me to let that go and he was sorry for making those comments. I feel so much of shame but he told me to please let it go. My sexual inventory is so messy. I feel so alone now desperate for sex, intimacy a relationship and my inner teen is just raging. I feel so stuck , my inner kids asked me to stop obsessing over money and live life and stop being guilty all the time and stuck about survival. I heard them and I told them it’s still so hard, I don’t believe a higher power will look out for me as it doesn’t look out for all the suffering, I just can’t get past that its just shit luck. But I love my inner kids and I love my cat and I don’t want to burden my family and I want them to know that I’m okay I want to do it for myself. I don’t want to be cajoled, I’ve struggled so much with loneliness and addiction and just being mentally stuck. I don’t know how to get out of that. I’ve done my best but I’ve also spent a lot of time in depression, sleeping, recovering from a binge etc. everything has felt so fucking hard, everything.
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