Oh my god pulled over by the cops

I just had such a horrid experience, I’m still shaken up by it. Pulled over by the fucking cops. I got onto Decarie on the middle lane. And saw the cop in the background. Then i turned on the middle lane and was going fast. And came to the lights and then i heard the beeps and i got scared pulled over to the right and stopped the bike and I fell down and it was scary. They told me what the hell was I doing in the middle of the road and then they said I’m a pedestrian and they said i shouldn’t be driving in the middle of the road, I’m a pedestrian. They asked for my id, and I gave them my license and they spent about 5 mins searching it and then they said they are giving me a warning and i should be careful. I told them that I will stay in the right lane and that when I come to a right turning lane, i will get off the road and Walk through the intersection. It was so fucking scary. 

2 way prayer

Dear dear dear sweet God, thank you for your help today and last night. I am so grateful to have more work , this wonderful new place , the blinds, and to have food in the fridge. Thank you god thank you. This too shall pass, the pain I feel with the stomach I don’t take it lightly god, I know it won’t go away till I see a doctor and I’m scared.it’s so very hard to get a blood test god, so very hard, 4 months without paying, what the heck happened to the Canadian health care system. I was so spoiled and took so much for granted all those years I could get treatment the same day when I was working the fancy corporate job.

God, I’m so scared I can’t cry, I can’t grieve I have so much anger, so much anger so much rage. I know behind the anger is the sadness and grief, please help me tap into the tears. Please help me with the bingeing , the sex addiction, the debating, and all the other ways I abandon myself and am self destructive. Im so very tired god, please please please help me God, I don’t feel like even trying sometimes.

 

Dearsest sweet sweet little boy. Help yourself little one, breath my love take deep breaths and let it go. Close your eyes and breath. I’m here for you, the universe that’s me. The self compassion group that’s me little one. Just be good to yourself my love, just be good to yourself little one. I love you so very much. You are worthy of love and respect. For yourself and others. Keep praying little one for the people you meet, for the people you love and for the people you have a problem with or the people that hurt you. I love you so very much.

I’ve been having good dreams, like intense dreams, yesterday I was dreaming about the new project and the estimate that I had to put forward and it was a bit scary, but I got praised by someone and that was nice, it was all related. I binged ate the peanuts and that was hard. I woke up feeling really off and lethargic , I couldn’t move. I watched a bit of James Bond no time to die and that was nice. I tried to focus on things, which I know is not necessary. And is my debting and I know this, I got on the call and was very irritable, I couldn’t share but I did announce myself and I was grateful for that. Here I am . Doing the very best I can. I’m having good sleep and I’m so happy I went out and got out and did the show. It was so immersive and I felt so good. Replied to my mom which I also really appreciated.

Not liking the weight gain but no desire to stop eating or even go to the gym, it’s all been so very hard with this depressive episode.

no words

I’m feeling so off today. Hang on, I’m just going to take my medication. No words to describe how I’m feeling, just kinda blah. I got coffee and a wrap and I talked to the Starbucks barista. I dressed up well today and I showered, baby steps to kinda force myself into positive thinking, I was tempted to call my mom but I realize that I’m adding stress to myself I was tempted to show off my bike but when I went the Starbucks was super crowded. What the fuck do I do. I want outside validation so much, I want to connect. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so shitty at times. So lonely. So needy. I go for the wrong people and I don’t feel validated. How do I give that to myself. So unloved.

Energy levels are so so . I went down to get some stuff, and now I have to take care of the stuff in the lounge. The boxes and finding space for it, so fucking annoying. cest la vie. Ive been charging my bike guiltily I need to find a solution for charging but I just don’t know where or how to. I can’t bring it up here. It’s frustrating. Deep breaths Krisen, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time. I feel so disconnected, so fucking out of it. So scared. Like I just don’t know how to feel free of worry. This too shall pass little one, this too shall pass.

topsy turvey

It’s been a while since I posted. Insane time. I moved out of my old apartment and moved into the new condo apartment. Its gorgeous and bright and spacious compared to my apartment. The loneliness is still there , I knew that wouldn’t change, but I’m not sleeping on the couch anymore, I have a bedroom now and I make an effort to sleep on the bed everyday. It’s been tough finding a tenant , I rented to an 18 year old server and I don’t know if she will pay the rent on time or at all or if she will cause trouble with boyfriends, I’m leaving it in HPs hands, it’s been really tough, I got through the first hurdle with the landlord accepting her. It took a personal conversation. I wish I wasn’t so scared of people and would communicated before hand, but I made some friends along the way, angels that have been helping me with he place. Madge and Irina, they were really helpful in keeping me sane and understanding the landlord and his wife. I felt really down and discouraged and lonely yesterday that everything was going to be permanent and life was just going to keep sucking. It was a sinking depressing feeling.

I also started a new medication and increased the dose. It’s an anti anxiety medication that surpasses hunger at night , so in theory with the binges but in reality I still have intense cravings, except now it’s less magnified with hunger. I’m eating off the regular FAA food plan and avoiding restricting which is good.

So that’s my update, love you all and especially love you Krisen, my inner child, my inner teen, my inner critical parent, and the loving parent to those inner family that I am and becoming.

a birthday retreat.

I just had a lovely picture with isai rod and me. It was so nice. My smile is off but it’s okay I like the way I looked, I can’t believe I’m so focused on fat when I looked fine. The body obsession and dysmorphia I guess. It’s okay I survived it, I wished I didn’t crash last night with the junk food because I do feel so gross today and I spent the most of the day basically just resting. I’m glad I called Laurie, I was so worried about the Facebook posting and the threat of retaliation. I’m always so concerned about that.

Toronto was shocking, the homelessness, the mental health , the buzz about it, I’m glad that I left quickly, I’m grateful to god for the parking, the money in my green p parking and the money in the subway card, I’m grateful that I made the trip to see isai and to spend time at the office that was really nice.

It was so nice to work in an office setting and it was nice to see the rooms in the basement and take the pictures and to chat with Donya and show her my tatoo. And it was nice to face my fears and speak to Tiffany and it was funny to see everyone bolt around 5pm.

I’m also very grateful to stop at the motel and sleep in a proper bed and to get up and go the next morning and to show my face for the conference call. I was so happy with the clothes that isai got me.

So all in all, I felt so loved, from all the calls and messages I got. It was so beautiful, I made the effort to visit with Joe and Anoop and Antonio, to see the beaches, Scarborough, downtown proper, Yonge and bloor and bloor west village that was so much of fun.

god, it's so hard

Dear Dear sweet sweet god. Here I am my love. Thank you for the peace around food last night. Thank you for the sharing and I’m very very grateful to let go and let you in. I’m so happy that Uma responded, thank you god for the guidance. I felt so scared, I didn’t think she would respond. It causes me so much grief god, I don’t want to destroy whatever little relationships I have. It’s not okay to cut off, I just don’t want to do that any more. Dear god, struggling with spending and wanting more more more all the time. Please help me show me what I should do. It’s so hard god, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I feel like I’m missing out on the life that I’ve been blessed to receive. Please help me my love. I’m grateful for the water my eyes and my limbs. I just want to keep on the path. I want to take it easier and relax and have easier days god.

Dear Dear Dear sweet boy, I know and it’s going to be alright my love. I’ve missed you my love, it’s been a while. What to say my boy, we love you and were here for you. It’s okay to do good in the world my boy, soon there will be more good and less people stuck in disfunction and fear, it’s okay little one, just breath and know that you are so very loved my little one. It’s okay.

I feel so much unworthiness, fear, unlovable turning to porn, feeling so shit from doing the same actions over and over again, I don’t know if I’m getting better god, I just know it hurts so much and I’m so afraid of being in that pain. Please god show me the best way, show me love, show me spirit, show me something.

We weep boy, we see what goes on and we weep, keep reading keep writing, keep listening, keep seeing, keep feeling, keep playing, keep laughing, keep smiling, it’s all going to be okay my love, it’s all going to get better, we promise you, we love you little one, we love you so very much.