Journal entry for OA writing meeting

People pleasing yuck and I so relate to that.

I face this constant inner turmoil so relentless.

Dealing with life on life terms

Taking risks

Being a dreamer a romantic and losing track of the details of living well

In the food again and again. Nights so lonely, keep me company I can't imagine a night by myself without using food. 

So much loneliness despair. Anger, frustration. Want others to soothe me cause I can't soothe myself.

Lost friends. Can't let anyone in. So scared of what they may find.

Can't even accept me and sometimes I feel hard to love

So being a man means being an asshole

Fuck that

Stop food, u suck. You're a phony lover. U don't soothe, u deceive and leave destruction. I hate u.

2 way prayer today on possibility of a romantic relationship

 God: My dear boy, you’ve been so hard on yourself. So very hard and scared. I understand. I cry for your past trauma and I see how much you have had to endure physically and mentally and emotionally, where was there room for spiritual. What does that mean you ask? It means trusting in a different plane, a different power. A power that won’t let you down , will always tell you the truth and Always for your best interest; no hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, just the truth out of love. You may have to go alone my dear boy, it’s where you grow the most. [ or try out a relationship to learn more about yourself] 

I see you Krisen. I see you my dear Boy, do not be afraid. trust me and lean on me to speak your truth. Your courage abounds. There’s abundance out there and you have a beautiful lively spirit. I know you feel old but your spirit lives eternal my son. There is plenty of time. You have all eternity to try. Love God. 

2 way prayer today

Dear God, thank you for all your help last night. Why does it have to be so hard to be by myself with my own thoughts, it’s so scary, so much pain, uncertainty, fear, paralysis. I’m so scared, nothings seems to be working :(

My dear child, son of mine, I love you so much. I can make the world stop for you. Your dad loved you the way I do. He just couldn’t show it. He gave you the gift of freedom; to survive [thrive] anywhere not tied down with his wealth. It hurt, I know my son. I see your pain and you always struggle and you feel so alone. 

But maybe take this as a way for you to connect and seek me to stop worshipping [putting on a pedestal] your parents and other people. You are doing great! I’ve got you, I carry you, I laugh with you and soon I’ll cry with you my son.

inner child reparenting workshop

I started an inner child reparenting workshop it was really good but I didn’t get a chance to share my questions. I’m putting it up now in my Blog.

 

How does my inner child sabotage me?

 

A: They don’t want to do shower, dress up, do laundry/ wash dishes and clean up .  They cancel plans with friends and instead want to watch TV, play video games and indulge in the binge foods like peanuts and chips. Want to always play instead of work and keep distracting me when I’m trying to focus on a task. They think I’m NOT fun, I’m always trying to be serious and don’t laugh much. My inner 10 year old and teens are extremely sad and often feelings of sadness and depression come up. It’s hard to do anything when those feelings come up. My inner teen has a fuck the world attitude and wants to indulge in anger and rage. Often road rage and wants to fight back at the slightest threat, perceived or real. He gets irritated when people follow the herd, Doesn’t want to be a sheep eg: everybody quotes language from big book like restless irritable and discontent. He says can’t  you be more Original in your words? Bill Wilson wants you to be original! He swears a lot. Fucking this and that. My overtrusting children are not discerning, they latch on to people with narcissistic tendencies and other sick people.

 

What are your examples of wanting to do different things at the same time or not knowing what is the right thing to do?

 

A: I face this indecision and excitement every morning , work tasks, research tasks for work, cleaning up , tidying up , organizing and hobbies. Sometimes I crash and do nothing and just go and lie down.

 

Share one Need or want of your inner child

 

A: They want to be heard, hugged and cuddled and valued

 

When you were a little child, share one thing you were intensely curious about, one time you were really excited about something , or one time you had outrageous fun.

 

A: Playing cricket in the house with dad, going to cricket games. Playing soccer with childhood friends in the park instead of having to work at the butcher shop on weekends.

 

What do you do today that you are intensely curious about, excited about or is great fun?

 

A: I love to listen to music and dance, it’s a recent thing. Excited about indoor soccer coming up and I love to play racing games with my friend in OA.

notes from Trauma therapy

 I had a trauma therapy session that was deeply insightful and I have some notes: 

 - my inner child was very muzzled and couldn't ask for what he needs eg: wanted chess board from Allen to play with but coulnd't ask my mom and I was so dissapointed when she didn't bring it.  I missed my cousins so terribly and when we were out of contact with him, that was so very hard. I really appreciated when Allen took me to go see the muppets. I didn't have enough of that in my life. 

- Child had to grow up fast, play peace maker, and clown, tried so hard to avoid the conflict and keep the peace. 

- i didnt ask for coke, even though i was thirsty on plane . mom was scared about money and supporting us and she was open with us about her fears. used to tell me that we can live even if on shrimps so cheap to make etc. why I was fucking 11..I don't need those fucking fears.

- I learned how to live in fear and afraid of being poor always, check bank accoutn all the time. steal tim hortons donuts by using a fake flier. wanted toys and things but always afraid, restricted on lunch etc. real deprivation, and then we would splurge on things like mcdonalads sundays etc.

- Very irritated and angry that mom asked for sole custody when she could not handle us. no support whatsoever, no other family. everyone was a threath. I understand it may have worked out for the best because dad was so sick addict and unstable. he would have dumped us on others. But i hated the narrative that she was a superwoman and i put her up on a pedestal. makes me so angry and sad for my inner kids who were lied to all the time and brainwashed. 

-addictions truama is a neural process. all in the brain/amygdala etc. break the habbits as best i can. not perfectionism, better is enough, rewire the neural pathways. move the body change an action, change the brain. 

- as a kid, teen, young adult, i made lots of mistakes. i felt guilt and shame a lot. shame takes over my whole body. i am a mistake, i am defective. mistakes that i made.:told dad to get out of my life. deeply hurt him and made him cry. stole from mom's wallet, take money from the till of my mom's business peer pressue., co-erced kids for candy and embarrased my mom then paid the price with public embarrasment at grandmother's house. cashed in my mom's krugerands, didn't work and in depression in my early 20's . talked behind mother's back, ratted out my sisters.  I forgive you little K and teen K and young adult K, you are loved, all kids make mistakes and are worthy of forgiveness. 

- I wet my bad a lot, i felt such deep shame espeically when visiting so much terror and shame. 

- I felt so much terror that dad would knock on door and mom and dad with fight and then i felt so much rejection because dad didn't come fight for us. he just expected us to come visit him. felt so let down and wanted to go see him, he was there with his wife and daughter. so much sadness, i had to choose between mom and dad. felt so angry at him also. and I felt like not tlaking to him was a prize. the longer i didn't talk to him the more worthy of pity and attention i would get. it was sick. it ended up being 7 fucking years. so very sad. I was angry when he rejected paying my tution, i guess he had money but they were only for his wife and kid, that is so deeply hurtful. 

depression today

 My sleeping has really been off, waking up at 11pm and up till 3 and then sleeping for 90 mins and then up and then sleeping again at 10am. It's hard. Ive also up my caffeine intake and the bingeing hasn't been helping. Today is day 2 of clean eating. I'm trying not to count the days. The cravings are very difficult at night, the feelings and emotions bubble to the surface and the loneliness ..oh the loneliness. I may be moving with a roommate in April. I thought to myself today, good Christ thank you. I have a plant that I call Veronica from the Archie comics. She is thriving, and is the only form of life in my place other than me and some occasional roaches. Thank god they seem to be gone away with the cold!

Here is a journal entry from the car yesterday. "Fuck you Maple" I didn't have those thoughts towards you and you hurt me with that voice message. What the fuck! You took a beautiful innocent thing we had and you made me fucking feel so rejected , it triggered my feeling of abandonment, you stupid immature C$**

I hate my belly, it's groos and i how i feel like an elephant. I can't believe i let myself go like this. fuck you junk food, i fucking hate you. so awful, fuck you krisen, you are going to be a fat fuck. I had a terrible wake up call at the gym, i was in such awful shape, i think the worst i've been since I was 200+ lbs

I feel so trapped by this life and I'm really to tring to find a life that i'm comfortable in my own skin and find some joy now and then. I'm capable of it, i know. 

feeling kinda sad

I don’t know why i feel so much heartache, plesae god let me get over this girl, i desire for her to want me. I feel rejected but i’m not going to remuniate over this. im so proud of you krisen for emailing her and then pushing it a bit forward. It’s too bad she didn’t respond but there could be so many reasons my darling Krisen that she could not be interested. maybe she has a boyfriend. maybe she doen’st want to start something maye it’s my age. maybe she has cancer and she only has a month to live, maybe she has a policy not to date guys from work, maybe she justs not into me maybe she wants someone jewish to start a family. maybe she is a lesbian. maybe she is single just broke up and is in heartache and is afraid of guys right now. :) :) There’s 10 reasons not related to me and not for me to take it personally. :) :) Please god help me read this when I ruminate and I’m in heartahce. I just shared this at an ACA meeting and I got vulnerable and I’m very proud of myself :)

This morning I remembered Broni Slava, the russian israeli woman from work that I had a fling with. I didn’t know she was married and when i found out i got scared and turned off. I wish i would have pursued more with her. I just wasn’t ready to share myself in a relationship. I really am greiving all the missed opportunities for relationships like my coworker said, i’m being wasted. I didn’t know that I was going to fall in love with perry. That was hard. I totally understand what the girl says who says she has same sex attraction and wants a family, i get that, i feel like i’m in a perpetual state of denial. like who i am and what i want. i want to be authentic and i want love. i’m so ready to give and receive love. i hate how i’ve hurt people that really sucked. i wish i could take all those hurts back. i know i can make some amends and move on. Before the guy died, he made a lot of amends with long lasting relationships. why wait before i die. Time is so short, i feel the loss of energy, the loss of looks, etc. Alan calls me a bali and I hate that but it’s reality i feel like i have very little time to waste. I want to be truthful with the yearning in my heart. i don’t give a fuck now i don’t know how long i have to live. i’m scared about moving in with a roommate Raul, he’s younger and i just don’t know. i’m scard about my snoring, i just wish i didn’t havve so many physical turnoffs. I just want to be loved. like really loved. i’m sorry Anna banana, i’m sorry for having sex with you and then dumping you. i’m so happy you found love.