My sleeping has really been off, waking up at 11pm and up till 3 and then sleeping for 90 mins and then up and then sleeping again at 10am. It's hard. Ive also up my caffeine intake and the bingeing hasn't been helping. Today is day 2 of clean eating. I'm trying not to count the days. The cravings are very difficult at night, the feelings and emotions bubble to the surface and the loneliness ..oh the loneliness. I may be moving with a roommate in April. I thought to myself today, good Christ thank you. I have a plant that I call Veronica from the Archie comics. She is thriving, and is the only form of life in my place other than me and some occasional roaches. Thank god they seem to be gone away with the cold!
Here is a journal entry from the car yesterday. "Fuck you Maple" I didn't have those thoughts towards you and you hurt me with that voice message. What the fuck! You took a beautiful innocent thing we had and you made me fucking feel so rejected , it triggered my feeling of abandonment, you stupid immature C$**
I hate my belly, it's groos and i how i feel like an elephant. I can't believe i let myself go like this. fuck you junk food, i fucking hate you. so awful, fuck you krisen, you are going to be a fat fuck. I had a terrible wake up call at the gym, i was in such awful shape, i think the worst i've been since I was 200+ lbs
I feel so trapped by this life and I'm really to tring to find a life that i'm comfortable in my own skin and find some joy now and then. I'm capable of it, i know.
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