feeling kinda sad

I don’t know why i feel so much heartache, plesae god let me get over this girl, i desire for her to want me. I feel rejected but i’m not going to remuniate over this. im so proud of you krisen for emailing her and then pushing it a bit forward. It’s too bad she didn’t respond but there could be so many reasons my darling Krisen that she could not be interested. maybe she has a boyfriend. maybe she doen’st want to start something maye it’s my age. maybe she has cancer and she only has a month to live, maybe she has a policy not to date guys from work, maybe she justs not into me maybe she wants someone jewish to start a family. maybe she is a lesbian. maybe she is single just broke up and is in heartache and is afraid of guys right now. :) :) There’s 10 reasons not related to me and not for me to take it personally. :) :) Please god help me read this when I ruminate and I’m in heartahce. I just shared this at an ACA meeting and I got vulnerable and I’m very proud of myself :)

This morning I remembered Broni Slava, the russian israeli woman from work that I had a fling with. I didn’t know she was married and when i found out i got scared and turned off. I wish i would have pursued more with her. I just wasn’t ready to share myself in a relationship. I really am greiving all the missed opportunities for relationships like my coworker said, i’m being wasted. I didn’t know that I was going to fall in love with perry. That was hard. I totally understand what the girl says who says she has same sex attraction and wants a family, i get that, i feel like i’m in a perpetual state of denial. like who i am and what i want. i want to be authentic and i want love. i’m so ready to give and receive love. i hate how i’ve hurt people that really sucked. i wish i could take all those hurts back. i know i can make some amends and move on. Before the guy died, he made a lot of amends with long lasting relationships. why wait before i die. Time is so short, i feel the loss of energy, the loss of looks, etc. Alan calls me a bali and I hate that but it’s reality i feel like i have very little time to waste. I want to be truthful with the yearning in my heart. i don’t give a fuck now i don’t know how long i have to live. i’m scared about moving in with a roommate Raul, he’s younger and i just don’t know. i’m scard about my snoring, i just wish i didn’t havve so many physical turnoffs. I just want to be loved. like really loved. i’m sorry Anna banana, i’m sorry for having sex with you and then dumping you. i’m so happy you found love.